Broken Glass
by Aingealis
Summary: Do you hurt like me? Like pieces of glass in your heart?
1. Chapter 1  Shards

Set in a semi-alternate universe

I do not own VK

* * *

He was shivering, his breathing labored. He grit his teeth, suppressing the lump in his throat. He clutched his chest, holding the pain, holding everything down.

Ever so gently, she coaxed his mouth open. Warm porridge slid down his throat. He kicked up a fuss with every spoonful. But all she had to do was to hold his trembling shoulders and he seemed to calm down for a moment. His eyes seemed to flicker open at times, drifting in and out of consciousness. He was drenched in cold sweat, terrified, mumbling incoherently. He was smashing his fists on the bed, face contorted in pain. He began to scream. Just like last night.

And just like last night, she held him. He fought back, pushing her away. "Don't touch! Don't touch me!" The tone in his voice almost destroyed her. It wasn't fierce. It wasn't hatred. It wasn't fury. It was desperation.

She could feel his erratic pulse; his finger nails digging into her wrists.

He was torn. All of him wanted to pull her into him, to devour her there and then, to show her what she wanted to know. The sane part of him said no; no he couldn't drag her into the depths of hell with him.

"But…. I'm so thirsty…..so very, very thirsty…"

* * *

Zero had those beautiful eyes. Call them amethyst, lilac or just plain purple. To me, they were just plain beautiful.

But now, they were none of these. His beautiful eyes were tinged crimson, warning me to back off and take cover. He released his iron grip slightly then pushed me aside.

"Leave. Now."

Zero dragged himself to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and I heard violent thrashings. I heard the mirror break as his fist came into contact with it. I heard his body hit the ground. I heard his labored, pained breathing. I heard the scratching of glass on the floor as he dragged himself through the shards. All this, as I banged the door, begging him to let me in.

* * *

She was outside, screaming at me to unlock the door. I dragged myself away; away from her intoxicating scent; away from her pleading, inviting aura. I couldn't harm her. Pulling her into my world would mean the end of her lovely innocence. She was sunshine and everything warm. My world was a long, cold, dark abyss. I couldn't condemn her to that. No. I wouldn't. Even as the hunger burns me inside, I will not take her.

I picked up a shard of glass, the largest I could find, and sliced my hand open. Bringing it to my lips, I was revolted. My blood smelled awful. It smelled of defeat, of pain, of every negative thing about me. But I took it in anyway. Anything, anything at all, to save her from me.

But it wasn't working. Why isn't it working? I'm a monster. I just need blood. Does it matter how sweet it tastes like or where it comes from? God! Why wouldn't it work dammit! I gripped the glass harder in my hand, deepening the cut.

I couldn't hear her anymore. Good, she's left. But even though I was supposed to think like that, I couldn't. I felt myself crumple to the floor, shivering uncontrollably. Her scent drove me insane with need, but the lack of it pushed me over the edge. I watched the blood flow from my starting-to-heal hand. My chest hurt so badly. The thirst and hunger were nothing compared to that intolerable pain.

I heard keys jingling. She hadn't left! She had been looking for the keys. I tried to pick myself up from the floor. Shit, there were bloodstains. There was blood on my lips, blood on my white T-shirt, blood everywhere. My hand may have healed, but I couldn't hide all those splotches from her. I gave up, slumping on the floor, praying that I could get myself out of this corner I had cornered myself into.

* * *

He was bleeding. He was hurting. All I wanted to do was kiss him, take his pain away. But those merciless eyes of his forbade me from coming closer, forbade me from saying a word. He looked away from me as I continued towards him. I didn't care if my feet bled from the glass; I just wanted to be near him.

He was shivering so badly. I held out my hand. He bit his lips, turning away again. I wiped the blood from his stained lips. The slightest brush of my fingers sent him into frenzy.

He clutched his throat, clawing at the smooth skin there. He let out a pained growl. He was clawing so badly that those deep scratches began to bleed. I caught hold of his head, holding him to me. I swore I heard him murmur an apology before biting my neck.

Why did you have to touch me now, when I was at my weakest? Why wouldn't you leave? Just walk away and never come back. The moment she brought herself close to me, I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist; too weak to stop myself.

But – Dear God! – You taste so good. Every sip was a drug, addictive. The moment I punctured your skin, the moment the first sweet drop graced my tongue, the moment it flowed down my throat; I knew I was doomed.

Push me away. Scream, yell at me. Don't just let me hold you. Don't just let me suck you into this. Fight back, for your own sake. Be kind to yourself for once. For once, be cruel to me.

* * *

I woke up, drenched in cold sweat. It was storming outside, just like how it did back them. It's been a year now, but if I try really hard, I could still smell her scent lingering in this very room. I inhaled deeply, savoring what little essence of her was left here. The thirst is still here. The hunger never left. But at least, I was still sane.

I closed my eyes. If I kept really quiet, I could hear her laugh, hear her washing up in the bathroom, hear her silently breathing next to me as she cuddles close.

My chest constricted tightly. Shove that memory away. Shove everything away. I locked them all away as I locked the apartment door behind me.

* * *

A/N  
My first fic so please go easy on me. The part after the double lines signify the end of a flashback/dream. It's a little confusing right now but it'll clear up soon don't worry.  
I accept constructive criticism =)


	2. Chapter 2 Snow

Thank you all so much for the reviews (petiteshima, Krizteena, Vampira Empress), subscriptions and general support. I hope this doesn't let you down and answers some of your questions (abiecula, she's kicking and alive).

* * *

I looked at myself in the mirror and practiced the one expression I would be using this evening, indifference. I had planned everything around this theme, from my wardrobe to my handshake to my eyes. I would betray nothing. I couldn't pull a runner from this event, like I had in others. I wouldn't. I didn't want to appear like a scared kid, even though I was indeed terrified. That was how the Chairman had coaxed me to go, in order to "show them how strong I am and how unaffected I was" as he had said. That was just his ploy, I knew. But it worked, nonetheless.

I straightened up. I had my pride to keep intact. At least, I need to show them, show him and her especially, that I was good. I have to give the illusion that everything was, is, and always will be nothing to me. I have to pretend that I've been better ever since, better off without the lies and pretense. I cannot and will not lose, not in front of them.

A knock on the door signified that it was time and that Kaito was getting impatient.

I stood there stoically during the meeting. She was thinner than I remembered, but still as beautiful. Her eyes like stars; her smile so radiant; her small hands ... clutching his arm. I didn't allow myself to linger on the last part, or any other for that matter. She would notice if I did. I hope she didn't hear the terribly loud pounding of my heart, didn't see any sign of pain in my eyes, didn't see how much I yearned to be both nearer to her and further away from her at the same time.

So I stared blankly at the wall, something I've always been good at. I could still smell her though. She still smells good, still smells of warmth and sunshine; the smell that I used to wake up to every morning. The memories were threatening to overflow from the dam I had stored them in. But I had reinforced the dam with concrete and steel. I couldn't afford to have it break down on me today, not now, not in front of them.

When the Chairman and Kuran shook hands for the last time, I was the first one out the door. Trying to run away without appearing to be running, trying to escape her without appearing to be terrified of her. That was me, Zero Kiryuu, fearless vampire hunter brought to his knees by the Kuran princess.

Chairman caught up with me. "It's the Christmas ball, you can't escape this one."  
"No. Mission."  
"I've checked. You're not scheduled for duty tonight. It's just for awhile, Zero."  
"No."  
"You need to get used to all of this."  
"It's Christmas Eve. Humans are out there partying, getting wasted. They're easy prey. Vampires would be partying too, then. We need as many hunters out there tonight."  
And before he could protest, I hurried out and slammed the door behind me.

Once upon a time, she would have admonished me for being such a spoilsport. But she wasn't going to do that anymore, not tonight, not ever. And that fact stung like hell.

I know. I was terribly rude, especially to a man who's been like a father to me. But he should know better than to force me to mingle with them, with her, as if nothing had happened. I closed my eyes, savouring the light snow on my face. Snow, Yuki. Bloody hell, what did I have to do to get away from her..

I inhaled deeply, trying to remove her scent lingering around me. I bit my lips, trying to fight the familiar thirst, the consuming hunger that lusted for her. And I ran, trying to run away from all my memories of her. So, like every night, I hunted deliriously. Because I was terrified of what I may do if I didn't.

* * *

I watched them watch the group of party-goers. I recognized the look in their eyes, of hunger, of thirst, of lust. The girls had very little on, increasing the pack of mongrel's interest, both because they were hot-blooded males and because the scent of their blood wafted through the air even more profoundly. I watched as they approached them, mingling with them, buying them drinks and flirting with them.

And the girls were excited for it. They felt they had landed a catch, gaining the attention of the most charming guys in the club. Technically, I was in no position to interfere because those monsters hadn't showed their fangs yet. Even as they slipped rophynol into their drinks, I was technically prohibited from pulling the Bloody Rose on them because they hadn't showed their fangs yet. Thanks to technicalities, it was going to be a long night.

So when one of them kissed a girl's neck, I had my gun ready. And when those fangs extended, the barrel was pointed at his head already. At the sight of a gun, the girls, bless their impaired senses, had sufficient sense to run. They could have done without the screaming and flailing arms which then made the other patrons scream and run bringing about the chain panic reaction which would earn me an earful from the Chairman later.

But I was happy to have the chance to exterminate him and the rest of his vampire friends. It was a chance I relished. It was a chance that barely lasted 10 minutes as the last one fell in front of me and disappeared into a cloud of ash. I waited 2 hours for a 10 minute fight. That's awesome.

"Will you be cleaning that up or me?" I gave Carl a glare. He smirked at me and mixed up a gin and tonic.  
"Here, Kiryuu, on the house. It's Christmas, man. Take a break." He pushed the glass over to me.  
"You know I don't. How long have they been here?"  
"Many times. Usually they bring the girls out, never been sloppy enough to drink here. Maybe it was Christmas and they wanted a break too."  
"And as a bartender, you didn't see it your right to prevent spiking of drinks?" I put the second glass down and gestured towards the vodka. He mixed up a vodka tonic for me.  
"Would you be surprised that more humans do that than vampires."  
"I wouldn't." I gestured to have tequila next.  
"I know."  
"Fuck you, you retired hunter, rape-and-vampire-abetting bartender. Fuck you all." I slammed the glass down and he poured me another.  
"Feeling the love from you there, Kiryuu."

* * *

This morning, I had woken up, practiced a few rounds at the shooting range, hunted for awhile and returned, gotten ready for the stupid meeting where I would be meeting that girl for the first time in a year and then escaped from the stupid ball where I was expected to smile at her. Fuck her too. Fuck her and her smile, her laugh, her scent, her presence, her Kaname. Fuck him, especially. My alcohol-clouded brain was rambling again.

Thank God the streets were empty as I made my way back home, no, to the apartment. I don't know what I would have done if there were people around, probably attacked them I guess. It would have been a choice between my gun, or my fangs, or both if they pissed me off enough.

Struggling, I unlocked the door to our, no, my apartment. It hasn't been ours since a year ago. It hasn't been home since a year ago either. I pulled myself in, dragging myself back to hell. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too.

* * *

A/N  
* Snow is yuki in Japanese. He curses because he can't escape her, no matter how hard he tries.  
* Carl as an ode to How I Met Your Mother's bartender and awesome, which is an OOC Zero word, as an ode to Barney Stinson.  
* He corrects himself from saying 'home' and 'our' because it hurts him to think back to when it was really 'home' and 'our'.

Hope you liked it and Merry Christmas.

With love, Aingealis


	3. Chapter 3 Seeing You

This chapter provides the background. Just to clarify, Zero never had Yuki after Shizuka bit him.

* * *

I was sitting in the room, surrounded by hunters. Kaname had told me not to show any expression, that my role there was solely as his partner, nothing else. So I had dressed that part, the high heels he had picked from me, the pearl necklace he had chosen and polished my nails just as he liked. But he had let me choose the dress I wanted. So I chose the one dress I knew Zero would have loved. A white dress. I remember Zero telling me how lovely I looked in white, how innocent and sweet. Dear Zero, am I sweet and innocent to you now? Do I still look lovely in your eyes?

I watched as he entered the room, his walk elegantly powerful, and his eyes stone cold, blank, dead. I gripped Kaname's arms, afraid that if I didn't, I might run into Zero's arms, trying to revive him. I sat down diagonally from Zero but the mirrors around the room helped me observe him. I couldn't look into his eyes anymore; they were staring straight at the stone wall. His body was stiff, tense; just like the atmosphere in the room, his knuckles white. There was nothing about him that showed that I was anything to him. And that fact both hurt me and made me feel better.

Kaname shook Chairman's hand for the last time and Zero was the first one out. Perhaps because he was closest to the door. I placed my hand on Kaname's again, because I was afraid that I might run after Zero if I didn't. I saw the Chairman trying to get him to stay for the Christmas ball and him banging the door. I take it as he didn't take too kindly to socializing with us 'monsters in human form'.

I turned to Kaname.  
"What is it, Yuki?"  
"We'll be going home tomorrow right?"  
"Yes, first thing tomorrow morning. I have more work elsewhere the day after."  
"I'm not needed here anymore am I?"  
Kaname paused a while before saying, "No. If you want to go to town, I can get Aidou to escort you."  
"I've stayed here by myself last time. It's okay. I just want to go visit Yori."  
There was a flicker of mistrust in Kaname's eyes, but he said the words I wanted to hear. "Okay, but don't be gone too long."  
I smiled at him, the man who loved me who knew I loved someone else. "Thank you, Kaname-sama."

* * *

I boarded the bus. It was Christmas Eve and the town was beautifully decorated. It looked like a village just out of those Christmas cards. I looked to the seat next to mine. A girl was leaning on her male companion's shoulder. Once upon a time, that was Zero and I. I looked to the seats in front of me. A boy removed his jacket and put it around his shivering girlfriend. Once upon a time, that was Zero and I. Another girl gave her boyfriend a peck on the cheek and he responded by pulling her closer to him. Once upon a time, that was Zero and I. I squeezed back the tears that were threatening to fall and got off the bus. I walked the streets, past a pub, remembering the first time I met Zero.

* * *

I had been a bartender and he had been a hunter searching for prey there. A fight had erupted, tables and chairs flew in all directions and I had taken cover under the bar. The other bartender on duty, this fat man, was treating the fight as if it didn't exist. Carl was still calmly wiping the glasses clean and when I gestured at him to take cover; he shrugged and said, "We need to clean up the aftermath. Might as well do whatever work we can now."

When the fight ended, Carl mixed up a gin and tonic and pushed it across to the silver-haired man who had taken on 5 others.  
"A little sloppy today aren't we Kiryuu?"  
"I didn't want to waste any bullets on them."  
Bullets? Sloppy? Was this something of a usual occurrence here?  
"Get down from there, Yuki. Just arrange whatever you can."  
I peeked up from under the bar and surveyed the place. This tattooed young man had destroyed almost half the tables and a third of the chairs in the place. "Arrange what?" I stood up.

"See, Kiryuu. Arrange what? That's a very good question. You see Kiryuu, because you didn't want to 'waste bullets', you've destroyed practically everything and now Yuki here has nothing to arrange."  
"I saved her a lot of work."  
How arrogant, he was talking about me as if I wasn't around.  
"Tables aren't meant to be shields and chairs aren't meant to be projectile missiles to be hurled around. You can leave now Yuki, since Kiryuu here has solved your overwork problem."  
Kiryuu finished his drink and walked out.  
"What about the damage?" Carl called after him.  
"Put it on the tab."  
"Great. The tab…" Carl muttered. "Don't worry too much about this, Yuki. He's a good guy."  
I found it hard to believe but I nodded anyway and waved goodbye.

Up ahead of me, I could see the faint outline of his body. I followed the same route he was taking, even up to the building he was entering, even up the stairs to the same floor. He turned around and glared at me when both of us were on the top floor that only had two other doors.  
"Why are you following me?" he had demanded.  
I took out my keys and jingled them in front of him. "Don't be so sensitive," I had retorted as I unlocked my door and entered.  
Moments later, I heard his door close with a crash.

* * *

I found myself following the same route again, the same route that had let me to his apartment more than a year ago. I was outside his door. I leaned against the door and inhaled. He wasn't in. But his deliciously musky scent was thick in the air. I gathered that he still lived here. Either that or he came frequently. I wondered if the spare key was still in the same place it used to be. It was. And I opened the door.

For some reason, the place looked odd. It didn't feel like coming home. I closed the door behind me. I looked around and realized why. The pictures of us were gone. The vase of flowers I used to replace every three days was gone. It was cold and drab, but that doesn't mean that I didn't like it here.

Compared to Kaname's palace, this place was better. I had fond memories with Zero here, whereas there, I spend more lonely days than I ever did when I was with Zero. I walked to the kitchen area, remembering how he would be pouring himself a drink and I would sneak up from behind and hold him and he would turn his head, smile softly and kiss my forehead. I walked into the bathroom, remembering how we would argue over who uses it first despite knowing that he would relent and let me go first then I would feel bad and tell him we can brush our teeth together.

I remember the first time he took blood from me. I remember entering the bathroom, seeing him on the floor with blood everywhere, knowing that he was hurting himself, knowing that he was trying to keep me away from his dark secret, knowing that I had to force myself into his world, no matter what. I remembered the look on his face, contorted in pain, his eyes a whirlpool of emotions that consisted of only pain. And his pain became my pain, because it pained me to see him that way. I barged into his world, because I couldn't stand seeing him withstand so much pain alone, couldn't bear to watch him sink deeper and deeper into the depths of his personal hell I had yet to understand.

I closed my eyes and let myself sink down to the floor, letting his warmth envelop me in his sweet embrace.

Then I heard the door open.

* * *

Guess who's home?


	4. Chapter 4 Sweet Dreams

A/N:  
I'm not too good at describing Yuki's feelings. I'm a little confused as to whether it's Yuki or Yuuki now but since I started off with Yuki, it seems odd to change halfway through. Thanks for the reviews and keep them coming =)

* * *

I tumbled into my apartment literally with a bang. Dragging myself across the floor, I reached my bed, pulled myself up and collapsed onto it. God, I hate my life. I turned to my cabinet, took out the handcuffs and cuffed myself to the bedpost, like I've been doing for almost a year.

I still had her scent lingering on me; the scent that was driving me insane with pain, anger…and hunger. I breathed deeply, trying to clear my mind of all thoughts of her, trying to get her scent off my body. Maybe it was because I just saw her that it was going to be an especially rough night. Maybe it was because I just saw her that my dam got cracked, collapsed and now all the memories are gushing out. Maybe it was because I just saw her that I can feel her now more than ever, her scent here stronger than before.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to make her go away, for all our memories to disappear. But they didn't, they wouldn't. They say love hurts. That our hearts get broken. If it was just our heart, why does my chest hurt, why does my body ache and tremble, why does my head spin? Since when did emotional pain translate into physical pain? How did the heart gain control of the mind, forcing it to reconsider every possible scenario, forcing it to relive those memories every day and every night, force me to associate all parts of my life with her, force me to think of what could have been when it clearly would never be.

* * *

He had crashed into the apartment with an almighty bang, dragged himself to his bed and collapsed onto it. I watched in horror as he cuffed himself to the bedpost. You've never done that before, not even as you struggled with yourself, not even as you were deteriorating further and further. What are you afraid of, baby?

Through the crack in the door, I watched him grip the sides of the bed, jaw clenched, as he breathed heavily, as if he had just been running a marathon, as if he was carrying an incredible burden. I knew him enough to know that he was suffering, hurting, dying from within. So I did something I shouldn't have, I ran to him, held him in my arms and cried softly for the man I have caused to grieve for me.

* * *

I was so drunk I could see her, touch her and feel her breath on my skin. But this wouldn't be the first time I've hallucinated of her. She visits me in my dreams, on nights that I'm sober, on nights that I'm raving for blood and on every other night. But every other time, I've only been able to see her. If I tried to go nearer, she seemed to drift away. If I tried to touch her, she vanished completely. If I knew getting drunk would allow me to be held by her, I would have gotten wasted more often.

Her tears were on my face. "Don't cry…" I managed to murmur. She remained silent, just holding my head and stroking my hair, just like she used to. "Why are you crying… Please don't cry…" Tentatively, I reached out for her hands. "Don't go, alright?" I had to make sure that she wouldn't disappear once I touched her back. "Promise, not to disappear like the rest…" She never uttered a word, which confirmed that I was fantasizing, probably from the stress of meeting her for the first time today. I held her hand lightly, afraid if I held too tightly, she would be gone. "You've left me for real; don't leave me in my dreams too, alright? Promise?"

I shouldn't have said that, because she whimpered, kissed my forehead lightly and proceeded to leave.

"No... Please don't… Don't leave..." She was too far off for me to hold on to, too far away for me to hold.

Don't leave me alone, don't leave me again, don't leave me to rot here in this hell alone. I love you. Please don't go.

* * *

His every word sent electric jolts through my system. He had been dreaming of me. He hadn't wanted me to disappear like the rest of his dreams of me. He had been lonely, so terribly lonely. In the meeting, I thought him being nonchalant meant he was fine and that eased my guilt just a little. But now, I knew better, he was suffering in silence, suffering through cold lonely nights, suffering through his hunger alone. And it was my entire fault for that. If only I hadn't entered his life, we both would have continued living like we had before, neither grieving for the other, neither shedding tears for what could have been for we would never have known this possibility to exist.

Again, against my better judgment, I kissed his forehead, savoring his warm cinnamon taste on my lips for the last time. I placed his head on the pillow and tucked him in. His hand held my arm, pleading with me not to go. But I have to, Zero. Don't let me hurt you further. Don't let me give you false hope by staying. Because come morning, I would need to leave you and we'll hurt even more because there'll be another minute to relive over and over again. Let tonight remain a figment of your imagination. Don't let me exist in your real life anymore.

I stared at Zero one last time before I opened the door. His handsome features were marred by that expression again. Turn away now, Yuki. Turn away or you'll run back to him again, turn away now or there'll be no turning back. My better judgment reigned this time. I'll leave and never come back. Because I love you and you'll be better off without me.

* * *

I closed the door behind me and I heard a stifled cry, full of sorrow, hurt, and every other indescribable emotion associated to lost love, anger, betrayal and fate that just wouldn't permit us to be together. I leaned against the door, tasting his presence in the air one last time.

"I thought you would come but I didn't expect Kaname to let you."  
"He didn't. I told him I was going to visit Yori."  
"If you want to talk, we can go for coffee."

I pondered, knowing that the topic would be Zero, whether I would be better off not knowing. But there was so much I wanted to know. All those nights I've spent wondering if he's fed, wondering if he's doing his own laundry now, wondering if his apartment is clean or had he let the furniture be covered in 10 inches of dust, wondering if he's overworking, wondering if he was healthy, wondering if he was wondering about me too. How could I go without knowing?

I nodded and let Chairman lead the way, throwing one last longing glance at Zero's door.

* * *

A/N  
Tell me what you think, please?


	5. Chapter 5 Everything

A/N  
I don't know why but the chapters I'm uploading doesn't show up when I check yet I receive e-mails on your reviews of them. But I love them reviews and all my reviewers so keep them coming. =)  
Anyway, I'm trying to get this story moving along because I've got classes in 2 weeks and then I wouldn't be able to update as frequently.  
They'll probably be even more angsty than this because of all the stress. I hate classes.

* * *

"Here." Chairman put a cup of coffee in front of me and sat across me. I looked up and smiled faintly. He smiled back, of course I didn't expect him to be smiling at me with the same wide, slightly mad grin as Zero would say, like he used to. But he had this sincere smile, as if he had forgiven me for everything I've done, everything I've put Zero through. I mustered the courage to ask him the one question I wasn't sure I was prepared to know the answer to.

"How has he been?"

Chairman continued to look at me. "Do you want the essential information, or every little bit?" That was a good question. I remember Zero asking me a question similar to that but with less refined words. I had asked him how his day was as he brushed vampire dust off him. _"Do you want to know the bullshit or the short story?" _I would opt for the bullshit because I wanted to know every detail of him life, no matter how mundane or ridiculous. That part of me hadn't changed. "Everything." Every single excruciating bit, no matter how terrible.

* * *

The first month, I remember staring at the white ceiling for hours on end. My entire body numb, either from the painkillers or from the pain itself. I don't remember thinking of anything, I don't remember feeling anything, I don't remember a thing. All I knew was that, my body had suffered immensely from the torture Rido had inflicted on me but that wasn't the problem. The problem was the torture Yuki had inflicted on me. The torture that had left me broken into a million pieces, shattered worse than a glass mirror flung from the 50th floor. And because my heart had been smashed, I couldn't feel. And that was a relief that only lasted at first.

The second month, I remember going through physical therapy. I remembered being okay enough to throw another hunter against the wall and put him in the hospital ward for a week, demonstrating exactly why I was more than competent to go hunting vampires that very day. That very night, I had exhausted my entire list and forced Association President to give me a new one. My heart had begin to piece together again, just several pieces out of the countless pieces, but enough to cause me a pain I had never known before. So I did the only thing that could distract me, I killed.

The third month, I remember being nicknamed Genrouin. What that means exactly escapes me but it basically means that I would do anything to kill a vampire. When my list was done and Association President refused to give me another, I would wait in his office, because trouble eventually comes. I became the association's number one hunter. I became somewhat a demon to vampires. I wish I could be one, because demons don't have hearts to be smashed, do they? They can't love, so they can't hurt.

The fourth month, I remember being forced to go on holiday. If Yuki were here, I would have relished it because I would have more time to spend with her as she always complains that I work too hard. But she wasn't here, so I dreaded every single day because I had more time to dwell on her, to dwell on the past that seemed so unreal. What was and still is very real is the pain it caused and its chain effect. My chest would ache, giving me a migraine, causing me to lie down and have even more time to think. Stupid heart of mine.

The fifth month, I remembered chasing a vampire group of 20. I was supposed to wait for backup, but some reckless part of my mind said, "Go. Go or your time spent waiting would be spent thinking of her. Go, take down as many as you can so that there wouldn't be so many losses on our side. Our guys have families, girlfriends, parents, children. You don't have any of that. The world can afford to lose you. Yuki wouldn't shed a tear for you. Go." And I ran in, because I'd rather death than let my mind join forces with my heart to torture me some more.

Half of the sixth month I spent in the hospital thanks to the reckless move I made in the last month which further solidified my status as Genrouin. The other half I was made to go on leave again pending the association's investigation on my 'inconsiderate behaviour that could have jeopardized everyone else'. Yeah right. They would be glad to see their families again and I would have a hero's burial for it. A funeral that Yuki wouldn't come to.

I was on leave on the seventh month too. So what Chairman and Yagari did to prevent me from further bar brawls and alley fights was to buy me a sports car and Kaito played the part of bringing me out to pick up girls. I ended up challenging a guy who had similar hair to Kaname to a race with my red, shiny sports car but Kaito stepped in and stopped us. Who the hell has that kind of hairstyle anyway?

The eighth month was the worst. It would have been the 2nd anniversary of our first meeting, the meeting where I had stormed into the place she was working and gave her the first impression that I was the biggest asshole ever. But then again, she had probably known about me long before then. I was working harder than ever, trying to keep it all at bay. Especially that day, April 30th. I had woken up and taken pills to stay awake, painkillers the entire day and sleeping pills when I returned; I've started popping pills like sweets for several months now, trying to numb the pain. Yet, at the end of the day when I returned home, I was wide awake. I found myself wanting to die. By that time, the realization had sunk in fully, the full force of the pain pounding me to death, suffocating me as I barely kept afloat in the sea of memories that threatened to drown me. I found myself aiming the Bloody Rose to my head, wondering if she would cry if I died, whether she would even know, whether she would just continue playing house with Kaname. What was I compared to Kaname? He could give her a palace, all I could give her was this shoddy apartment.

Yet as I was ready to pull the trigger, I sort of felt as if she was holding me from behind, screaming at me not to be a coward, not letting me die, just like she had back then. How could you be so cruel to me to let me live this way? But I had always succumbed to her, from arguments over whether to watch a thriller or some mindless chick-flick to arguments over whose cooking was better, I had always let her have her way. But to what level was I sinking to, to succumb to the mere memory of her?

The other months seemed like such a blur, a painfully long one at that. I lived my life as if everything was fine. But every night I came home and cuffed myself to the bedpost partially because I was scared that the thirst would get strong enough for me to lose control and run down to the streets and feed on the first available person. But mostly because I was scared I would reach out to touch her in my dreams and she would drift away. She's left me already. At least let her remain in my dreams. Even if it's not real, let me have that one moment of bliss.

* * *

Chairman recounted everything to me and I tried holding back the tears until I couldn't anymore. Once he was done, he remained silent for a while, letting me collect my thoughts and wipe my tears. His cry I heard when I had closed his door earlier echoed in my mind with astonishing clarity, getting louder and louder in my head. Chairman came over to my side, putting his arms around me.

"Thank you."  
"Why? Wouldn't it be better if I told you he was fine and moving on?"  
"No, I want to know everything."  
He paused for a moment. "Do you really want to know everything?"

What? There was more? Did Zero continue his death wish by flinging himself off a cliff but survived? Or did he overdose on pills so that he could die almost painlessly? Could I handle it if I knew? I didn't know. So I shook my head.

"Maybe another day then."  
I nodded, got up, thanked him and left, my entire body as heavy as lead. My eyes out of focus because of the tears in them. My head aching from Chairman's recount of Zero's past months. I felt my body hit the floor and I knew I was fainting. In a way, I was relieved, because now I didn't have to think or feel anymore.

* * *

Tell me if it's okay, alright?


	6. Chapter 6 End It, Please

Sorry for the long hiatus, not a great comeback though. Many apologies.

* * *

The moment I entered, I knew why Chairman had been so adamant that I accompany him. Her scent attacked me from the entrance itself. Oh God! Exactly like last night, the smell perforated through the air, as if they were all coming only towards me, disobeying the laws of physics. I chewed my lip, biting down the hunger threatening to resurface. I hadn't fed in months, the last time out of desperation I stole from the hospital's blood bank. And now, my favorite nectar was in the same building as me, and I was drawn like bees to honey.

Chairman and Yagari walked in front while Kaito walked next to me. My steps grew more and more eager heading towards her, my heart sank deeper and deeper, my mind became more and more out of focus. Wanting to run away and run to her, wanting to drink from her, wanting her fingers on my face and over my back, wanting her to want me as badly as I desired her. My thoughts grew darker and I stopped walking. I couldn't covet her. I mustn't. But I wanted her so badly; it was gnawing at my stomach, squeezing my chest so tightly I couldn't breathe.

Kaito turned to look at me. "You okay?"  
"Yeah."  
"Not looking too good."  
"I'm fine." So I had to continue walking, because my part in this play was not over yet.

* * *

I smelled him approaching. I was more acute to his scent than I was to Kaname's, even though Kaname was standing beside me. I felt Kaname's eyes staring at me. I knew he could smell Zero, and I knew that was why his hand gripped me tighter than ever. I gave him a wane smile, the best I could muster. Why would Chairman bring him? Would Zero even enter my room? Would he worry about me? Would he take care of me like he used to?

I remember when he had injured himself. He was unable to move, confined to his bed. So I took it upon myself to nurse him back to health. This was when we were just neighbors. He had given me a glare that could burn this entire hospital down, but Chairman was so adamant, even giving me a set of house keys, that he had no choice. Unless he wanted to change the locks of his apartment, which I knew he wouldn't. So he laid down on the bed, trying hard to sleep while I made a mess of his kitchenette. Eventually, the clanging pots and pans got to him and he got up, leaning against the door. "Are you trying to nurse me or deafen me?"

He dragged himself around the kitchen area, making his own porridge. I spotted him clench occasionally, hand reaching for his chest where he had been injured. It was already painful and I only made things worse for him. When he left the pot there to bubble by itself, he seemed to lean against the counter for a while, steadying his own blurry head. I tried to touch him but he pushed me away and for a brief moment, his hand grazed mine. His hand was hot, burning hot. I told him so and he told me, "It's the pot you idiot." But he had been lying. He dragged himself back to his bed, every step more difficult than the last before crashing onto it. He pulled the covers over himself and turned his head to tell me. "Make sure it doesn't dry up."

I wet a cloth and attempted to sponge him with it. He flinched and yelled at me, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Nothing! Nothing. You're burning up. I'm just… trying to cool you down..." He took the cloth from me, folded it and placed it on his forehead. "There, happy? Now go watch the fire."

And just like back then, right now I couldn't do a thing to help alleviate his pain. In fact, I made it worse. All I did was just drag him further along that dark tunnel to hell. God, if you're listening, let me suffer instead of him. Give him the happiness he deserves. Punish me instead. Inflict the pain on me instead. He doesn't deserve to hurt this way.

* * *

I saw him grip her hand tightly, wishing that hand was mine instead. The ache grew worse, and I had to do all I can to hold it in. I wished that the hand that holds hers was mine, the body she holds on to at night is mine, that the lips she kisses are mine. Instead, they are all Kaname's, they always have been. And it took every ounce of my strength to continue putting up with this charade.

"I have business elsewhere and due to her condition, the doctors have advised her to remain in the hospital for observation. So I would like to ask a favor from the association to take care of her while she is in your hospital." Kaname bowed his head graciously towards Chairman.

Kaname had business somewhere else so Yuki would remain in the hospital, under the care of Aidou and as the hospital was semi-owned by the Hunter-Assocation, he wanted to inform them blablabla. That was all good but I lost the point of me being here. "As a Pureblood, there are always threats on our life, even by our own kind, so placing Yuki under your care will prevent them from being executed. Your protection is greatly appreciated."

I stole a glance at her before quickly looking away. She was pale. I think she was this pale last night too, why hadn't I noticed? I mentally checked her for broken arms or bones to warrant her extended stay, but nothing. She always had the knack for bruising herself. Clumsy girl, I almost smiled to myself as I thought back to those times she would trip over and land on her bum, stand up and knock her head on a cabinet overhead, or something like that. She would smile and laugh it off, as if things like that were a daily occurrence (they were). And I would be her knight in shining armor, being there to catch her and shield her head or cushion her fall. I mentally yelled at Kaname for not being there.

I thought she would be safe with you and it turns out that your own kind is trying to kill her because of that? She would be better off with me then wouldn't she? Yeah, as if she would be safer with a Level D-fast-approaching-Level E-who-could-turn-on-her-any-minute-and-devour-her. Yeah, Kaname was the logical choice.

"I'll be back soon," he whispered gently to Yuki. He was gentle too. I was never this gentle to her. I never treated her like some breakable porcelain doll like he treats her. I never treated her like a princess like he treats her. But that was what she deserved, and that's probably why she would rather him than me.

Then he kissed her lips; a long, passionate kiss. The kind we used to have. I felt something in me snap, something else shatter and everything else breaks. For a moment, my mind switched off, probably my own internal defense preventing further damage to myself. For a moment, my whole world went dark, I couldn't see a thing, couldn't feel a thing. Mind-numbing pain spread throughout me. But all I could do was stand there stoically.

* * *

Kaname's kiss surprised everyone, including me. His lips claimed mine, I just allowed him to. I glanced at Zero and thought I saw a flicker of something in his eyes. But after that, he remained . I looked away, because I knew if I continued looking at him, I would push Kaname away and pull Zero to me. I'm so sorry to put you through this.

* * *

My mind was just starting to reboot. "Goodbye, Yuki. Be good, alright," Kaname kissed her forehead. Yuki just smiled at him and nodded. Kaname left. Chairman said something to Yuki. I'm not sure what. I don't even want to know right now. Leave, Zero. Leave now. Leave before you sink deeper.

So I mumbled some bullshit and excused myself. I wandered the corridors, my hand running along the walls. I don't know where I'm going; I don't know where I am. I just want to get away, because I knew I was about to break but I didn't want to break there. I stumbled into a room and sunk to the floor. My paralyzed chest started to unknot itself. I was starting to unravel. I remembered how it was supposed to have been, an entire new life. But now, I only wanted to get through this pain that was killing me here and now.

I reached over for a sachet, punctured it with my fangs and drank a stranger's blood.


	7. Chapter 7 Save Me

Do you remember how I first glimpsed into your life? I don't think you would since you were barely conscious that time. It wasn't such an innocent coincidence. I bet you know that now, don't you. I bet you hate me for that now, don't you. How could I have known that I would love you.

* * *

I waited by the door, expecting to hear your footsteps anytime now. I had been told the time, the part I was meant to play. I didn't expect you to march right past my door to your own. But I didn't expect you to turn up the way you did either.

I heard your breathing first; strangely laboured. Then I heard thuds and dragged feet, instead of your usually so sure footsteps. I heard you struggling with your keys. And that was my cue. I prepared myself to face you. I thought all I had to do was help you, flash a charming smile at you and worm my way into your heart. I wish that was all I had to do because if that was it, we wouldn't have our worlds overlapped this way.

I opened my door. You were slumped on the ground in a pool of blood, clutching your chest. Your eyes were barely open, your face so pale, lips almost blue, knuckles bone white. The keys were still in your firm grasp that I had to pry your cold, almost-dead fingers from them. Even when you're half dead you could be so stubborn, so adamant that nobody enter your circle. If only you were more adamant, insisting that I scuttle back to my apartment and leave you to fend for yourself, maybe our worlds wouldn't have overlapped this way.

You protested at first when I tried to touch you. But then you were too weak to do a thing so I dragged you to your bed. "Get out," you rasped at me, voice barely audible. Your sheets were turning red, soaked in your blood. I admit I was terrified. This was more than what I had bargained for. I didn't expect you to turn up in such a bloody fashion. I didn't know then that I was in over my head.

I took hold of your body, peeling the torn white-stained-red shirt stuck to your body. You protested, put up such a fight, threatened even to kill me. I didn't know that you weren't talking to me, that you were talking to your nightmare. Am I your current nightmare?

"Don't touch me… Let go… Let go now… I'll kill you… I swear I will…. Don't you dare touch me. Fuck off bitch…" But your protests came in murmurs. You were so weak, your body feverish even from the cold rain that had drenched you. And by the time I was done drying your body, you were more than unconscious. You were hallucinating; your handsome face contorted in such pain, mumbling things I couldn't make out, the tone in your voice ever so heartbreakingly desperate, your knuckles white from gripping the sides of the bed so tightly, your breaths coming out in short laboured rasps.

I shushed you, trying to hold you down as you thrashed against your nightmare, fighting off the predator in your dreams. You were trembling violently, your jaw clenched so tightly. I held you down, having to lie down on you just to keep you from falling off the bed. I felt you shivering beneath me, but you had stopped struggling. I laid there for what felt like hours, making sure that you were sound asleep before I moved off you.

But the moment I did, you jolted. Your hand flew to your throat, clawing your own skin, as your other trembling hand held my wrist in your firm grip. "You're hurting me. Let go." Your eyes suddenly opened, but they were different. There was this confused look in your eyes, as if not knowing what to do with me. Knowing what I do now, you were probably contemplating whether to drink or push. There was this other strange expression, looking a lot like self-restraint and agony mixed in one.

* * *

Your scent… Oh God please stop this. I have never had human blood, never allowed myself to come near enough to be captivated because I knew my own handicap, never had something so sweet so temptingly close. And I was so cold, numb from the inside. And you were so warm, so tempting. At first, when you were lying with me, I thought just tasting the air around you would be the furthest I would allow myself to go. I had misjudged my own ability. That was a sin in itself, something so wrong. Then you moved away and this shocking pain jolted through my system.

You were my drug, and I was hooked even though I was on it for such a short while. Taking it away from me ignited this instant withdrawal symptom, this hunger, this need that had lain dormant for so long. I wanted you. No, I needed you. Damn me to the bottommost pits of hell for this but I've never wanted something I couldn't have so badly before.

Your scared eyes bore into mine. You wanted me to let go. I wanted me to let go. Yet I couldn't. The monster in me refused. The human in me was fighting a losing battle. I wanted you to be able to break free from my grip and run from me. But I also wanted your blood.

* * *

"Tell me what you need. Please, I'll go get it for you. I'll go get a doctor." You closed your eyes, squeezing them tightly. "My pills. There." You gestured weakly towards your side table. You still wouldn't let me go. I reached for your metal box. "How many?" "Doesn't matter." Your voice sounded as if you were expanding all your energy for these few words. I know now, that you were. You swallowed two down straight. You still refused to let go of me. "More." You swallowed down another three. Only then did your grip loosened up slightly, just enough for me to break free. Your breathing seemed to stabilize for just a moment.

Then your half open eyes flew wide open. You pulled yourself off the bed, pushing me aside as I tried to help you, half dragging yourself to the bathroom where you tried to close the door but I pushed it open. And you didn't have any choice because the next moment you were retching. I stood over you, holding you, stroking your back as you vomited blood all over the toilet, your body shivering worse than before.

And when you were done, you were so weak, barely able to hold yourself up yet your eyes stared at me with this look I now recognise as the look that's telling me to leave and not hurt myself. I wiped the blood off your lips with the back of my hand. You closed your eyes; the expression on your face reminded me of someone savouring something forbidden. Then as suddenly as it had appeared, that expression disappeared and you staggered up.

I stood up with you, trying to support you but you leaned on the wall instead. You held my arm and led me to your apartment door with one side of your body dragging against the walls. "Thank you. You may leave now." Your voice was still weak but you were extremely sure when you opened the door and nudged me out gently.

And I was left confused at your bizarre appearance and strange behaviour. But something in me came alive that day. From that day onwards, I wanted to be near you, to know everything about you; not because I had to as I had been deluding myself into believing, but because I genuinely wanted to know.

I wanted to know how you became this way. A million possibilities passed through my mind because I truly didn't know what you were. I thought you were sick with some incurable disease so you were pushing everyone from you, afraid of hurting them when you leave. I thought you were abused as a child, leaving you bitter with resentment towards people and some internal organ damage. I thought maybe you fell in love with a girl you who were your boss's woman and he had sent someone to kill you and you escaped narrowly. I thought that you were in love with the daughter of a mob boss who disapproved of your status and wanted you to disappear. All those seem trivial compared to what you were really going through.

I wanted to know your pain. I wanted to understand why. I wanted to heal you. Little did I know that I would be the one to hurt you more than that.

* * *

After 2 months, I have practically the entire story structured in my mind but no time to write it.

My thoughts go out to the nation that produced the beloved Vampire Knight. Hope you keep your spirit alive and not give up hope. God bless.


	8. Chapter 8 Why Me

Sorry if there was some confusion regarding the last chapter. Essentially, it is a flashback to the time they first met, written in Yuki's point of view. All of it was Yuki's thoughts except for one paragraph which is Zero's. You'll know who is who when you're reading it. This chapter is a flashback written in Zero's point of view, sort of a continuation of the previous chapter. Thank you for your patience and enjoy =)

* * *

I slumped against the door, clutching my chest long after you had left. You were standing on the other side of my door for so long, probably with this 'what the hell just happened' look on your face. I didn't know then, that the following times you give me that same look; I would find it in me to patiently explain to you what exactly just happened. Little did I know that I would later find that look to be so endearing. I sat there on the floor, praying that you would leave while hoping that you would stay. I didn't trust myself enough to stand up. I knew I would kick the door down and devour you. I made the mistake of trusting myself to breathe the air around you. I wouldn't repeat it again. I couldn't afford that kind of mistake anymore. The price was too costly; my entire humanity would be mortgaged. Little did I know that it wouldn't be my humanity that would be lost, it would be my sanity, my will to live.

The moment I couldn't smell you anymore, I still couldn't trust myself to get up. I could escape a gang of vampires who obviously were directed to target me, wielding weapons that I never expected them to have. I could somehow get away with this god-awful wound, somehow control my thirst enough for me not to drink from you while you were lying right on me, somehow find it in me to throw you out of my room, what was two doors to me? They said that if you think of doing something you shouldn't, this urge to do it would dissipate a little. So I tried to think of me bursting through your door and drinking your sweet blood. The mere thought of it made me tremble, both from the pleasure I knew it would give me, but also from disgust at myself.

I sat on the floor for hours until I was absolutely sure I wouldn't go running breaking doors. But just to make sure, I dumped my head under the cold shower for a good ten minutes. When I got out, I was shivering, but not from the cold. I was starved. I've been starving for so long, almost 5 years. I wished that I had died by now, I wished I had died the night Shizuka bit me. I thought I could withstand it, withstand the scent of blood. All I had to do was to resist…resist until the day I meet that bitch and kill her. But then, I had to meet you.

Your scent was different, so much sweeter. You may not have noticed it, but you were bleeding when I first met you. In your haste to hide under the counter while I was giving the bar a facelift, you had inadvertently cut your hand on something. It was small; probably nothing more than a bad paper cut, but the moment your skin sliced open, I could smell it clearly. I shouldn't have gone so near, but I was curious as to what it was. Secretly, I hoped that Carl had created a brew that smelled like blood, hoping it could act as my placebo. Instead, I found you, cowering under a bar. That was why when I walked home that night, I had prayed that the person following me from behind wasn't you. I would rather be ambushed by a pack of hungry vampires than for it to be you. When you entered the same building as me, I had hoped that you were crashing at a friend's place. When you climbed up the stairs behind me, I had hoped that your friend's place was on a different level from mine. But in a building with only four storeys, each storey having only 2 apartments; the chances of that happening were pretty slim. When you landed on the same floor as me, which was the third and topmost floor, I had become so agitated, so angry, so pissed, that I snapped at you. You should have expected that.

Why now? Why now when I am so close to falling to Level E? Why now when the hunger attacks are becoming increasingly frequent? I tried to shake of all thoughts of her as I lay on my bed. At least, during her brief time in my apartment, there were still miniscule traces of her left after her departure. Although her warm body wasn't temptingly close anymore, at least I could smell the tiny remnants of her. This would be my placebo for now.

I slept fitfully again, only to be awaken all too soon by this annoyingly persistent banging on my door.

You stupid girl. You just wouldn't stop trying. I kept quiet, trying to make you think I wasn't in. But you were so annoyingly stubborn. You banged on my door continuously, trying to get me to open, bribing me, threatening me... Silly girl. Why wouldn't you just give up? Why wouldn't you just leave me alone? You tried bribing me with breakfast. Yeah, I'll make a breakfast out of you alright. You tried threatening to break my door down. That was almost laughable, but I remained silent. So imagine my surprise when the door actually crashed open.

Oh shit.

Not only were you in my room, but I was faced with the two other people I didn't really want to deal with at the moment. "Poor Zero, are you okay? Why didn't you come straight to the hospital? What happened? Do you need any more pills?" Chairman sat on my bed, pelting me one annoying question after another while trying to take my blanket away to check on my injuries. Do you want your gun to shoot with? Yes, of course. First I'll shoot you, and then I'll shoot myself. Thank you very much.

Yagari cleared his throat. "What happened?" I sat up, the Chairman still fussing over my wounds. I looked at Yagari then pointedly looked at Yuki. "Sorry, but you need to leave now. You'll talk to him once we're done." He ushered Yuki out. "Why isn't your body healing normally?" Chairman asked a reasonable question.

"They're using hunter weapons now. And they're not Purebloods."

"Someone's setting us up."

"So you were injured by a hunter weapon?"

"Yes."

"How many were there?"

"About 8 vamps and 5 weapons."

"The Vampire Council believes we are the ones supplying those weapons."

"I know and it's understandable considering the circumstances."

"They're already retaliating."

"Do I look like I'm stupid?" I was starting to lose my temper.

Chairman chose this moment to speak. "We're having diplomatic talks with the Vampire Council but they seem unwilling to believe that the mastermind may be one of their kind."

"The mastermind may be one of our kind too." Yagari, ever the optimist.

"All we can do now is damage control. Get to the bottom of it while you're at it if you can."

"I'll go tonight."

Chairman protested. "No! You can't. You're still injured and you're healing terribly slowly. Humanly slow if I may say. Let that nice girl next door take care of you," he grinned widely, that slightly mad-hatter look in his eyes.

"I don't need..."

Yagari cut in. "You can't go out tonight. That's final. Look at yourself. You'll jeopardize yourself and others. Stay in."

"The girl was holding a tray of breakfast. Eat some." Chairman insisted.

Yagari turned to leave, "Don't do anything reckless, Kiryuu." He opened the door and Yuki rushed in.

Chairman, clearly unhappy with being ignored by me made a last ditch attempt through Yuki.

"Dear girl, our Kiryuu's not doing very well. Do you mind taking care of him until he gets better? I know, it may be a hassle but we're willing to compensate you for your time and effort. What do you say?"

Yuki, clearly bewildered by the Chairman's proposition, nodded hesitantly. Chairman almost danced with glee, thrusting the keys into her hands and calling out, "Have fun!" while being dragged by the collar by Yagari. And Yuki was left to tend to me.

Dear God, you didn't let me die when Shizuka attacked us. The least you could have done was to let me die the moment I started loving her. Why me? Hadn't I suffered enough already? Apparently not.

* * *

Next few chapters would shed more light over their relationship back then. Stay tuned =D


	9. Chapter 9 Kill Me

A/N:

My trial examinations are over, finally! This is a continuation of the flashback since chapter 7. This is written in Zero's POV for the first part, followed by Yuki's, then a short paragraph at then end of Zero's. Enjoy =)

* * *

Do not come in. I glared at her, hoping to scare her off but to no avail. She stood there dumbly, holding the keys Cross had thrown at her. "I don't need you," I had told you then. I didn't know it then, but I was lying, even before I started loving you, I had already begun to need you. You gave me a smile and set breakfast on my side table. That was the first time you smiled at me, your sincere smile. At least back then I thought it was sincere. Now, I don't know what to make of it.

"You need to eat to get better." I know that. But our sources of nutrition are different, you see. You'd be my breakfast. "I can take care of myself." You scooped a spoonful of oatmeal, holding it out to me. "Eat it. It's been out so long so if it's too cold let me know. I'll heat it up for you." "I don't like oatmeal." You tried convincing me, as if you were pacifying a little boy. "It's good, healthy food for you, especially since you're injured. It'll help you heal faster. Eat it alright." Why would you care? Why should you? Why should anyone?

But her eyes, stared at me unwaveringly, so clear, so honest, so sincere. I didn't realize it then, but I found myself wanting to believe her; I found myself wanting her to care. I took the spoon from her and swallowed the oatmeal. "It's cold." But I've never felt warmer. She made an apologetic face and hurriedly took the bowl to the microwave. "Here. And I'll make you some porridge alright?" "You don't have to." She smiled, "But I want to."

I couldn't comprehend why she would want to do anything for me after how I had rudely shoved her out of my apartment last night. "Finish it up, alright. Then get some sleep. And when you wake up, there'll be nice, hot porridge for you." She smiled at me again with the same sincerity I wanted to believe. I ate several mouthfuls. She watched me till she was satisfied then went to the kitchenette. I lie down, trying to sleep. But I can't. You're too much of a distraction.

I'm not used to it. Not used to having someone care, not used to having someone to rely on. Not used to appearing weak. She unhinged me. And that thought scared me. I watched as you fumbled your way through my kitchen cabinet noisily. Then, as if in slow motion, I smelled it.

That divine scent. I don't know how but you managed to cut your finger with a scissors. The hunger – oh God! – it hurts. I couldn't resist. I'm starving. Just a lick, just a tiny drop… Anything. I clutched my chest, limping towards the kitchen. She was running her finger under the tap. "Are you trying to nurse me or deafen me?" I took her finger and pressed down on the cut. "I tried that. It doesn't work." I could hear my heart thumping faster and harder. I wanted her. I wanted her blood, there and then. I wanted to take her blood, even if it's just placing her bleeding finger to my lips. I want it, any miniscule drop I can get. That's how desperate I was. That's how pathetic a lowlife like me is.

"Get out." I growled at her. She shuffled to the side, nursing her own bleeding finger. I dragged myself around, making my own porridge. I couldn't risk her anymore. She's so accident prone that if she cuts herself anymore, I'll devour her. I can't risk that. But the hunger, once incensed, couldn't be extinguished so easily. It took almost all of my self-control not to drink from her. And the pain was unbearable. It hurt everywhere. My chest especially, because my inhuman wounds were healing humanly slow and because I was one severely malnourished vampire who couldn't heal properly.

I left the pot to bubble itself while I leaned against the counter to steady myself, to calm myself down. She reached her hand out to touch me. I brusquely pushed it away. "Your hand is hot." "It's the pot you idiot." But I was lying. I dragged myself back to bed, each step more difficult than the last then crashed onto it. I could feel her watching me, trying to gauge me, trying to come closer. Please don't.

I pulled the covers over myself and just to keep her in the kitchenette, told her to make sure the porridge didn't dry up. Hopefully, she doesn't know enough about cooking to know that the porridge wouldn't start drying up for another hour or so. Hopefully, she would just stay put and not come any closer. Hopefully, by the time she gets smarter, this hunger pang will pass. Unfortunately, she got smart way too soon and tried to sponge me with a damp cloth. I had snapped and yelled at her and stupidly hoped that that would be enough to deter her from coming near me. I was wrong.

And I was hungry, absolutely starving. Usually, I tried sleeping through these phases. Usually, there wasn't a distracting presence a mere 5 metres from me. So, when she finally set that bowl of porridge in front of me and told me she had to go to work, I was relieved. Yes, get out. Don't stay near me for too long. Go away. Go as far away as possible. Don't come back. And when the door shut, I inhaled her scent deeply. Hers was a scent that could satisfy my stomach more than that miserable bowl of porridge could.

And after several, long breaths, I couldn't smell her anymore. And I closed my eyes, feeling worse than ever. I tried telling myself that at least I hadn't bitten her. Hell, I didn't even suck her bleeding finger. I didn't do anything wrong. I had done everything in my power to stay away. It wasn't my fault she refused to leave. It wasn't my fault that she was so bloody stubborn. My mutterings, convincing myself that I was innocent, lulled me to a fitful sleep.

* * *

The first part of the act was a complete disaster. I played the part of a girl trying to nurse the injured boy back to health. Unfortunately, my lead actor was a complete let-down, refusing my help, pushing me away, scolding me, yelling at me. But I told myself to go with the flow, to endure. Because things were just getting started. I didn't know it then, but deep down I wasn't acting. I was starting to truly care.

So when I came back from work, I was prepared to continue acting the part of the girl sponging the feverish boy throughout the night. But that wasn't what I came back to. I opened the door and the first thing I saw was him, gripping the sides of his bed so tightly that his knuckles were white. There was something very wrong with this. I was just too blind to see it then.

I sat beside him and watched. He was mumbling under his breath. He squeezed his eyes, clenching and unclenching his fists, gritting his teeth. I thought I heard a choked, strangled cry. At that time, I didn't know what to make of it, didn't know what it was he was going through, didn't know the demons he was facing. I held his hand.

He went berserk. He started shivering slightly. His lips mouthed silent screams. His grip on my hand tightened to the point I thought he was going to wrench it off. I used my other hand to stroke his face, trying to calm him down. That's when he started to tremble terribly.

He started to convulse, blood trickled down the corners of his lips. Then as suddenly as it had started, his eyes flew open and he slammed me against the wall and pinned my arms. His eyes flashed murderously, as if he wanted to kill me; his breath was heavy. It was as if he was in combat mode, ready to kill. We stared at each other for some time, me with confusion and him with blood on his mind.

Then, I think he realised that I was not who he thought I was and his grip loosened. "Sorry…sorry…" he muttered, turning away from me. "It's okay," I reached for his arm but he jerked away. "I'm sorry," he repeated. He sunk on the bed, his head bowed down, this defeated expression on his face. I walked towards him but before I could touch him, he looked up at me and suggested that I leave. It wasn't a suggestion, more of an instruction. And I couldn't bear to say no to him. "I bought supper. It's on the table." And I turned to leave.

* * *

I'm a monster. I could have killed you. But your eyes stared at me, not with fear, but with curiosity. You're stupid, you know that, and you're freaking feeding the monster. What the hell is wrong with you? I hoped that that incident would be enough to scare you off for good. But I secretly hoped that you would stay. But do the Gods listen to prayers of monsters? They did listen to me because you didn't leave me then. But that would have been too good to be true. They should have just killed me off.

* * *

A/N: If you've been following this story closely, you would realize that the situation here is what Yuki described in a short paragraph in chapter 6.  
Thanks for reading and your feedback is much valued =)


	10. Chapter 10 Nothing

Thank you for the reviews so far. This story may be a little slow but I'm getting on with it and I'll have more time in June to update. This chapter is set in the present, when Yuki is in the hospital after visiting Zero while he was sleeping. The POVs are Zero-Yuki-Zero. Thanks for all your support. Enjoy =)

* * *

I wiped the traces of blood away from my lips and read the empty packet of blood. Thank you, whoever you are for being a kind Samaritan who donates blood. Too bad I'm no accident victim. I'm just a lowly vampire. Sorry about that. But think of it as you've indirectly saved other lives, because once I lose control, I would feed on other humans, maybe even you.

I walked out of the room, my eyes still fuzzy, and my mind unsure of where to go next. But Seiren solved it for me, not that I appreciated it. "What?" "Kaname wants..." I cut her off, "I won't go anywhere near her, don't worry." I walked away. Seiren followed me, refusing to let it slide. I glared at her. "I have zero intention of talking to any Kuran, be it Kaname or Yuki. Now scuttle back to your master and tell him that." Seiren stared at me, her face blank as usual. "Go away." She caught up with me. "He wants your word." I turned to her, looking at her square in the eye. "Listen to my words and repeat them to him, each and every one of them. I do not want any association with the Kuran family. None at all. They are nothing to me. Let me repeat, nothing at all. So rest assured that I will disappear from her sight for the next few days. I will not cross paths with her at all. I will go to the furthest ends of the world to avoid her. Go and tell him that."

* * *

His words pierced through me. He had his quiet elegance, his words spoken surely. I knew he loved me. But I also knew he was hurting too much to allow me to invade his life again. And now I know that he didn't want anything to do with me, it hurt, but I understood why. I may not be nothing to him, but it would have been better for everyone if I truly were nothing. I would rather be nothing to him than to be the one who had betrayed him. I had broken him down to the very core. I had destroyed him completely.

Remember when I first met you? You were so cold, completely shut off from the world, refusing to re-enter, forbidding anyone from coming near. You had enclosed your heart, your soul in a containment that could rival that of a maximum security prison. You were desensitised, unable to feel. That was how you felt safe, safe from the pain life has inflicted on you.

Then I came along and tore down your walls. You said it yourself. You said that thanks to me, you could now feel something. Then you had smiled that beautifully rare smile meant only for me, thanked me, kissed my forehead and pulled me closer to you. Your ice had melted; the walls you had built had crumbled apart. And you were happy, for the first time in your miserable life. You told me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Then I had left you. When the solid block of ice enclosing you had melted, when the walls sheltering you from the pain had fallen apart, I had thrown you into the flames of hell. I had left you to die. You saw me for what I was; I was someone to bait you out to the open ground and once you reached, disappear, and leave you to be pelted by bombs, arrows and bullets. I had betrayed you. And that fact kills me slowly inside. I had left the man I loved out in the cold, out in the hail of fire. I had left him to die. He has every right to hate me.

Last night, when I had held you close to me, I could almost feel your pain. When you clung so desperately to my arms, I could almost feel your need, your yearning. Did you feel mine too? Did you sleep well after I left you last night?

"Let's go Aidou, where is this place you wanted to take me?" Aidou and I had been about to turn the corner when we heard Zero and Seiren's interaction. "Let's use the other exit." Aidou led me the other way, his eyes unable to meet mine. I knew what he was thinking. "I'm fine," I reassured him. I'm not. But I'll try to be. Because I am the Kuran princess.

* * *

"No."  
"What do you mean no?"  
"Exactly that. No."  
"I'm going to Cheongug. The branch there is awful."  
"They're working on it."  
"They just recruited new trainees. I'll go supervise."  
Chairman raised an eyebrow. "That kind of job is not for you."  
"I should broaden my horizons."  
"That's true. I'll notify the branch to send them here."  
"Isn't it easier for one person to travel rather than a group?"  
"Yes, but what about Yuki?.."  
I smirked, "What about her?" That's right, she's nothing to me; didn't you get the memo?  
Chairman phrased his next few words carefully. "You know.. She's a Pureblood and her status makes her a target for other vampires and all that…" He peered at me behind his glasses.  
"She has Aidou and I'm sure Kaname's not stupid. If this the only flimsy reason you're not letting me go to Haneul?"  
"But.."  
"I'm going then." And I got up and left quickly before he could protest any further.

Some little part of me was protesting too. I didn't want to go. I wanted to be able to have just the slightest chance of seeing her. I didn't dream of being able to have conversations like we used to, I don't dare hope of staring her in the eye. A fleeting glance now and then would suffice. At least, when she's in the hospital, my chances of that were about 0.124375892490838. They've been about zero for the past year. But I knew myself. I knew, even if words were unspoken, even if her brown eyes do not meet mine, even if I saw her from afar, I would still feel this painful twinge in my chest.

Which begs a question, how could a nothing like me ever feel something? It was all thanks to her. Yeah, thanks for nothing.

* * *

So the next time there's a blood donation drive and you're fit to donate, just do it! And just an irrelevant tidbit, Haneul is Korean for heaven.

Love, Angealis

*corrected! One of the readers kindly informed me that I was misinformed by Google Translate. I have changed it from Haneul to Cheongug.


	11. Chapter 11 Questions & Promises

Yuki's POV then Zero's. This chapter may provoke questions more than answers, but they'll be answered soon, I promise. Enjoy =)

* * *

I was wondering what it was that Aidou wanted me to see in the gardens when I spotted something familiar.

"Yori!" I smiled; the first genuine one I've had in months. Yori was just as I had remembered, still with the short carrot red hair and that warm smile. She hugged me fondly, then held me to take a good look. "You look well enough. Why are you in the hospital?" We sat down on the bench. "It's nothing, nothing... How have you been?" Yori had been Zero's downstairs neighbour. It's funny how I found my true love and true friend, both in the same building. The true love refuses to acknowledge me now, but at least the true friend is still here.

"I've been okay. What about you? You left without a word. Where have you been? Why didn't you call or write?"

I bowed my head, "I'm so sorry. It was… unexpected…"

She peered at me, "You didn't want to leave, did you?"

I kept quiet. But she has always been able to see through my silence.

"You loved him too much to do that. And he loved you too much to have let you go without a fight. What happened? Tell me."

I remained silent.

"You're awful you know that. You came and didn't even look for me. Your cute friend there had to bring me here himself," she chided me.

I smiled faintly. "I'm sorry…"

"Stop apologizing. You can tell me exactly what happened last year to make up for this."

I didn't know where to start.

"He suffered, you know. You may have no idea how badly."

I bit my lip, hearing his scream last night in my head, the agony contained in it.

"Do you know how he was before he met you? Hmmm… You could say it was like a Beauty and the Beast story. I had never seen him smile, always with that frown on his face. Then you came along and I saw his first smile in the 3 years I've been living in the same building as him."

I heard his voice in my head, telling me that I was the best thing that's ever happened to him.

"Then you left, and he went back to how he was before, probably even worse. So tell me, Yuki, how can a love like yours turn out this way overnight?"

I finally broke my silence. "Since the very beginning, it would've ended that way."

She stared at me quizzically, and then I realized that Zero was not the only one I had betrayed. I had betrayed Yori too. Both of them had taken me into their lives and I had left them. No number of apologies can make up for that.

"I was not who you think I was, Yori. I didn't meet Zero by chance. It was all an act…" it felt good to finally admit it out loud. So even though I couldn't admit it to Zero, at least Yori would listen.

"What about now? Is it all still an act?"

I bowed my head. How do I admit that I never knew how empty my life was until Zero? How do I admit that it was Zero who was the best thing that had ever happened to me, not the other way around? How do I admit that the act became the most real experience of my life?

I didn't have to. Yori knew. "It isn't is it? Maybe it was at first, but you ended up loving him, just as much as he loved you."

How much is that exactly? Our love is strangely complicated, perhaps tragically so. Our love is tainted, impure, an abomination. A Level D and a Pureblood. The last time that happened, the Level D was killed and the Pureblood went mad, killing Zero's family, damning him to his life now. Isn't it ironic then, that Zero would be following this path too; that he, too, fell for a Pureblood.

Yori hugged me. "He tried, you know. He tried to forget you, tried to remove you from his life. I think I didn't see the both of you for two weeks. Then one night, I think I saw Zero going up and when he came down, he was holding a large big bag of stuff. After that, when Chairman came, he asked me who had cleared out the apartment. I asked what was missing and he told me that everything of yours was gone. Photos and everything, he threw them all out. But he still couldn't move on."

"How do you know he didn't?"

Yori looked at me, as if she was assessing me. "I just do. It's not something he can manage to hide entirely. So tell me, have you moved on? Is there another man in your life?"

There was, Kaname. The man I thought I loved. Of course, that was when I had been confined all my life and he was the man I was told to love, told to marry. The man who had been the reason I consented to staging the act in the first place. The man I convinced myself was a good reason for lying to Zero. The man I left Zero for. The man who gave me a large, empty manor; while Zero had given me a tiny single bedroom apartment that he came home to every night, returning to the bed we shared every night.

"Yes. He's a good man." I answered, as firm as I can, convincing Yori as much as I was attempting to convince myself.

Yori didn't buy it completely but humoured me anyway, "Well, men come and go. But if you need anything you know where to find me. So tell me all about your new man." She smiled.

Kaname isn't new. He's been there since forever. Before, during, and after Zero. He's the reason for everything. But how could I tell her that. So I tried to divert her attention.

"How's Shota?"

"He's good. He misses you too. He kept asking about you and Zero when you first left. Zero still buys the occasional sweet or toy for him. So now, he mostly asks about you."

"How about you? Any men?" I grinned at Yori. It felt surprisingly refreshing to be talking so casually, not to be wary like how I had to be cautious around other vampires.

She laughed, "Shota's the only man in my life right now. But life's been good. I'm happy with Shota. I'm content." And she was genuinely happy. And I was happy for her. I envied her. If only life was so simple, I would have been contented with the little pleasures.

So we continued chatting, and for the first time in ages, I felt relaxed.

* * *

I stared out the window, watching as dusk covered the passing scene. I'm leaving, just like how I was supposed to then. And this time, you're not here to stop me. You're not here to hold me and promise me that you would always be there, promise that you would keep me safe. Those empty promises of yours. Your gentle hands holding me back. Your kind words, promising all those things I wanted.

Would it have been better to have never met you? To have never known how warm a woman's arms can be, to have never known how it felt like to love and be loved in return. If I could ask you one question, I want to know which parts were real and which parts were lies? Tell me, did you once, even for a split second, love me the way I loved you.

But these are questions that will forever remain unanswered. I'll never see you again. Never again.  
I promise.

* * *

Hope you liked it and stay tuned for more to come =)


	12. Chapter 12 Maybe

"Don't leave. Please." I begged her to stop, begged her to put down her bags, and begged her not to leave. "You promised, you promised you would always stay, you promised you would never leave." She never spoke a word. She just went about, clearing everything. The curtains we bought together when you first started to make the house a home, the pictures of us that you forced me to take with you, the little decorations you would put up then ask my opinion on and be pleased with yourself regardless of what I said. You took everything away, every little bit, every single memory, as you swept across the apartment on your way out. All I could do was trail after you, pleading with you to stop, begging you to stay with me, and selfishly reminding you of all your promises to me trying to guilt you into staying. "Please, don't go. Please." You never even turned to look at me. The door closed in my face.  
Don't go. I love you. Please, don't go.

* * *

I jolted awake, the train swaying as it turned a corner. I had beads of cold sweat on my forehead, I couldn't breathe without feeling a sharp pain, and my body's numb. These are all symptoms of nightmares that I've had every day and every night. That scene didn't really happen, at least, I wasn't there when it did. I buried my face in my hands.

Stop. Enough.

I remembered returning back to the apartment after a month, so unsure, so uncertain, and so terrified. The prospect of an empty apartment waiting for me, the thought of it frightened me immensely. I remembered leaning against the door, afraid to go in.

But the fool in me just wouldn't shut up.  
Maybe, just maybe, she might be waiting for me behind this door. Maybe, just maybe, she truly loves me. Maybe, just maybe, she'll stay for me. Maybe being with you turned me into this fool, still desperately holding on to you, desperately holding on to mere memories of you.

So I opened the door, with this tiny spark of hope in me. Maybe you'll be smiling at me, chiding me for being late. Maybe you'll be sleeping on the couch, tired after waiting for me, maybe it had all been a terrible nightmare and you would be there to kiss the pain away. Little did I know, that my nightmare was just beginning.

I opened the door, took one look, and sank to the floor.

I trembled all over, black spots appearing in my vision.  
Cold. It's so cold. It's so cold, that it hurts to be alive.  
My head was pounding. My body's numb.

All I could do was sit on the floor, holding my head in my hands. For what seemed like forever, I was too afraid to look up, too afraid to think. I thought that if I didn't think of it then maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe, just maybe, you were in the bathroom and you would be coming out soon. Maybe, just maybe, you went out for a short while and will be returning soon. Maybe, just maybe, you would still be here to hold me when I'm trembling like this. Maybe, just maybe, you would be home soon to hold me with those warm hands of yours, softly whispering kind words to comfort me.

So I kept my position on the floor as my reasoning grew more and more far-fetched. Maybe you were held up at work. Maybe you were buying dinner. Maybe you were busy chatting with Yori that you lost track of time. Maybe you didn't visit me in the hospital because you thought I was away working outstation all this while. Maybe I entered the wrong apartment and you were home waiting for me.

Maybe, everything was just a dream.  
Maybe, you were a figment of my imagination.  
Maybe, I've already sunk to Level E and everything about you was just in my head, part of my insanity.

Because there was nothing here to remind me that you were ever here. Nothing that indicated that you once lived here with me. Nothing at all. Everything was gone. Everything looked exactly as it used to look before you came. Cold. Colder than ever.

But I could smell, see, and feel what used to be us. Slumped at the door, every scene that ever took place between us here played out before my eyes. Visions of you preventing me from putting a bullet through my skull, you chasing me when I attempted to leave, you falling asleep in my arms every night, us making love; us kissing in the morning; you telling me that you loved me and me telling you I loved you.

Memories I feared were only in my head, only just a dream. These visions taunted me, dancing across my confused mind. I stoned there till nightfall. I didn't move till daybreak. You had swept the apartment bare. There was nothing left, just as how I had been reduced to nothing. There was nothing to confirm that you existed, that we existed here. And trying to make sense of it all drove me mad.

Hold on!  
There is one thing you may not have found.

I leapt to my feet, sprinting towards the chest of drawers. I rummaged at the bottom till I found it. As my fingers grasped it, I felt my head clear the same time as my chest constricted. I held it tightly in my hand, as if my life depended on it. Truth be told, it did. If I hadn't found it, I would surely have gone mad with images of you in my head that I wasn't sure were real or not. This object confirmed that you existed as I slowly regained some sense of clarity and surety.

But it also confirmed that you were gone. As suddenly as you had appeared in my life, you had left. And I was left behind, an even more broken, even more bruised, even more torn up man than the one you first met in the bar.

But maybe, just maybe, you would come back. I deluded myself into thinking that for the next few weeks and months. I'm still deluding myself now, aren't I. Leaving the keys where they used to be, thinking perhaps, just maybe, you would come home. I didn't change a thing. I was still waiting.

* * *

I slammed my head against the window of the train. I found myself trembling again.  
Stop. Enough.  
But the fool in me wouldn't shut up, quietly praying that maybe, just maybe, you loved me more than him; maybe, just maybe, you would leave him one day; maybe, just maybe, we could be together again.  
Shut up, fool. Just shut up.

* * *

Because, every one of us, at some point or the other, has tried making foolish excuses/reasons in the name of love.  
I've been there and done that, so this chapter was sort of easy to write. I hope I managed to convey the feeling accurately.

This was written in Zero's POV. If you realize, he says that he still leaves the key where it used to be. Which was how Yuki managed to enter his apartment in chapter 3.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter and stay tuned for the next one =)


	13. Chapter 13 Happily Ever After

I've got plenty of time on my hands, so expect longer chapters =) The longest chapter thus far.

* * *

Zero had returned home and upon seeing our new addition, had not bothered to mince his words, nor mask the irritation in his voice. "What the hell is that?"  
"Zero!" I had snarled at him. "Please mind your language." I almost laughed at his reaction, which was not totally unexpected. Zero did not take kindly to having people in his apartment. It was only recently that I had been the first to break the record.  
Zero leaned over the sleeping boy, with curiosity on his face. "Honestly, what the hell is this doing here?" The way he spoke, it was as if he was talking about a piece of furniture that I had carelessly left in the middle of nowhere.

Helpfully, I informed him, "It's a boy." I grinned at him.  
He glared at me and told me flatly, "I'm neither stupid nor blind. Who is he?"  
"Our neighbour."  
"What's he doing here?"  
"I'm babysitting him."  
"Then bring him back to your apartment instead."  
I pouted. "Hey… What's yours is mine. So this is my apartment too."  
"Since when?"  
I feigned an angered gasp and pouted even more. I refused to look at him, even as he took me into his arms and started to stroke my hair. He nuzzled my neck softly, his warm breath tickling me.  
His lips on my neck struck a thought in me. "Are you thirsty?"  
His body froze for a moment before he shook his head and held me closer.  
How could I have been so stupid? Just because he doesn't ask for it, doesn't mean he isn't. And bringing a child here is torturing him further.  
"I lasted years, what's one day to me," he reassured me.  
"Sorry, I forgot."

He bit his bottom lip. "I'm going to take a shower," he mumbled. I sat on the bed, patting Shota's head as he blissfully slept on. Yori had to cover someone at work that day so I, being so inconsiderate to Zero, had considerately and happily agreed to help Yori babysit Shota. I had forgotten about his… complication. Just as I was thinking of spending the day with Shota myself without Zero, my handsome Greek god stepped out of the bathroom, damp hair, toned body and all. I felt my cheeks turn 20 shades of pink darker. He still had that effect on me, although we've been… well, acquainted in various ways by then.

"So, what do you plan to do today? With the boy?" Zero asked, as he ruffled through the closet.  
"Umm… I was thinking of going to the movies, then maybe to the park. It's okay, I'll take him. You don't have to come."  
He squinted at me, as though confused. "Why not?"  
"Well… You're tired and you need your rest. I'll come by tonight, alright."  
"But the boy's sleeping on my bed right now."  
"I'll wake him up now."  
He looked at me with that expression again.  
"What?"  
"It's not like you to be so inconsiderate to others, what more to a kid."  
"Well… I should have been more considerate towards you. I'm really sorry…" I gave him a hug.  
"Two wrongs don't make a right, so why not you make it up to me tonight," he gave me a devilish grin, the kind that sent shivers down my spine, the kind that made me warm with anticipation for whatever he had in mind, that kind of excitement was stoked by the fact that his muscular body was holding mine in a comfortably possessive way and his warm breath was tickling my neck and ears all at once, sending tingling sensations over the rest of my body.

I leaned up to kiss him.  
He leaned away, that smirk on his face. "That's your punishment." Then turned away from me and pulled his shirt on, then went to the couch to lie down. I went towards him but he gave me a pointed look. "It's not big enough for both of us. Go next to your new boyfriend instead." His voice was annoyingly amused. Though I was glad that he found this situation amusing, it was frustrating to be 'punished' this way. Fine. I'll show him.

I laid down next to Shota and hugged him, sticking out my tongue at Zero. He rolled his eyes at me and turned his back to me.

* * *

Ow. Ow. Ow. Each step I took was terrible, thanks to that hour-long nap on the cramped couch, which was disrupted when the boy woke up and Yuki decided that we should all go for a day out. So here I was, being dragged all over town, first, to the little café at the corner of the street. I watched as the both of them peered over the counter, troubling over which flavours to choose from. And watching the both of them, made me think of something I shouldn't have thought of.

It was a simple thought, if I were human, that thought would be something good. But because I am this monster, this thought was forbidden. Yet, I couldn't help but continue that train of thought.

What if I could rebuild a family? A new one. With Yuki. Yuki, can we be a family?

As I watched both of them tasting the different flavours, I wondered about a house, a family, playing out in the garden. Thoughts I had no right to think. I should have known better than allow myself to continue it. But that train of thought, images and fantasies flashing in my mind, were like those idiotic reality television shows. They seem real, but in truth, it's all fake. But you couldn't help but continue watching, just as how I couldn't help it but continue dreaming. Stupid fool.

I paid for their orders. The girl behind the cashier asked, "Nothing for daddy?" Yuki overheard, laughed, and pinched my cheek. "He doesn't have a sweet tooth." I glared at the girl, grunted my coffee order to her, shoved her some bills and trudged back to our booth.

Yuki held out a scoop of her ice cream to me, I shook my head at first but she glared at me. "Take it." I couldn't resist her, even if I was supposed to be 'punishing' her. "See, he's not scary at all is he?" she smiled and tapped my nose. "He thinks you're very scary," she informed me. Wow, I did not know that at all, seeing as the boy was staring at me as if I were the Loch Ness Monster, keeping as far a distance away from me throughout the walk to the café.

"Zero, smile," she tried to command me. I scowled at her. "Hey!" I continued sipping my coffee. She pouted. The little boy giggled at our interaction. Bewildered as I was, what was important to me was that this made Yuki laugh. And her laugh was all that mattered to me. "Shota, tell Zero oniichan your name." "But… You've told him already." I snorted. I'm beginning to like this kid.

"How old are you?" I asked him. His eyes widened a little. He hadn't expected me to address him directly. He then held out his hand, counting his little fingers "One, two, tree, foh!" and waved four fingers in my face. "Do you like your ice-cream?" He smiled, and nodded vigorously.

* * *

I watched the both of them exchange questions and answers.  
**Do you like your ice-cream?**  
*Vigorous nodding*  
**What's your favourite flavour?**  
Chocolate! What's yours oniichan?  
**Hmm… Mint.  
**Why aren't you having any?  
**They don't have that flavour here.  
**Try mine?

I watched as the boy held out a spoon of ice-cream to him and watched Zero give a shadow of a smile as he ate it. And watching the both of them, made me think of something I shouldn't have thought of. Zero, can we be a family? I watched the both of them continuing their Q&A session, wondering about my imaginary family, where Zero's the daddy and I'm the mummy. A family to replace the one we both lost. Family picnics in the garden, outings to the zoo, camping trips, vacations. The boy would be as handsome as Zero; the girl should look like me. They should have Zero's bone structure, height, brains, athleticism, strength and courage and everything else. Because Zero was perfect.

But these were thoughts I had no right to think of. Thoughts that should have been kicked out the moment they came in. Because Zero is too perfect for me. Because Zero deserves so much better than me.

Shota finished his ice-cream and the three of us stood up. Zero held his hand as we walked together to the park. And these thoughts came unbidden again. I imagined him teaching our children to walk and catching them when they fall, teaching our non-existent children how to play football or basketball or whatever sports it was he liked second best. No way would I let my kids hold a gun, whether or not it was Zero's favourite activity.

"What are you daydreaming about?"  
I linked my arm with his and leaned on his shoulder. Perfect. You always tell me that you're a monster. But to me, you're the most perfect man. We watched Shota run about the playground. Both of us together, in silence. What are you thinking, Zero?

* * *

She was leaning on my shoulders. We looked like a perfect family, the three of us. A boy who was merely a neighbour. A monster of a man. And the silly woman stupid enough to love that monster. I wanted to savour this moment. Savour it, while it lasted.

I never knew I was capable of feeling this way. I didn't know I was worthy of feeling bliss like this. I still don't believe I am qualified to be loved this way. It felt as if I was cheating, earning a stolen victory, getting something I didn't deserve. I didn't deserve her love, so overwhelmingly selfless and unconditional.

She shifted in my arms. Don't get too comfortable, Yuki. Not around me. You're too perfect for me.  
I let go of her and got up, walking towards Shota who had been sitting sullenly on the ground for some time now. "What's wrong?" He didn't answer me, but he looked to a group of kids, cycling. "Why don't you go play with them?" "I don't know how to ride a bike."

The group spotted him and he quickly looked downwards. I heard snatches of their mutterings. 'Father didn't want him,' 'no daddy,' 'my mum says his mother….' Shota walked away. I picked him up. "Why not I teach you to?" He looked at me questioningly, and nodded hesitantly. We went to rent one and I proceeded to teach him, just as how I remember my dead father teaching me once upon a time.

* * *

"Zero?"  
"What?"  
"I always thought you were scary."  
"Am I?"  
"Not really."  
"Why not?"  
He turned to look at me. "Because you don't look scary like this."  
True. He was in his teddy bear pyjamas. I was in my oversized grey tee and shorts. Not exactly the most intimidating scene. In fact, this might be the first time in a long while I'm even wearing anything to bed, but I'm not about to tell a 5-year-old this.  
"Why is Yuki taking so long?"  
He had asked me for a bedtime story. I had pushed the responsibility to Yuki instead. And now the both of us were waiting for her to complete her nightly ritual of whatever it is she does to come out.  
"Yuki! Story!" he exclaimed happily.  
She slid into bed, next to Shota.

She looked at me, her eyes so soft and warm. I looked away, knowing that of all people, I didn't deserve that the most. "What story do you want?" "Anything."  
"Once upon a not so long time ago, there was this prince. One day, an army from the rival kingdom invaded his palace. He lost his family that day. He was still so small, but he managed to escape. But the witch with that rival army had placed a curse on him."  
I grimaced inwardly. Prince? Me? Are you fucking kidding me? Yuki, you're a princess, my princess. But that doesn't make me a prince.  
"What kind of curse?" Shota asked.

I replied, "He would end up hurting anyone who came near him. So he kept everyone away from him. He lived alone and didn't have friends."  
Yuki continued, "But one day, he met a girl."  
"He didn't want to and he tried to push her away." I butted in.  
"He tried to forget her, tried to make her leave him by yelling at her, scolding her and being so mean to her; but he failed." She reached over to give me a light pinch on the cheek.  
"Why did he fail?" Shota asked.  
"Tell him, Zero. Why did the prince fail?" She turned to smile at me.

I hesitated. "Because… she was… kind. She was… good to him. She was…" I couldn't bring myself to say the word. She was everything I craved but couldn't possibly have. She was everything I needed but would be a sin for me to have. She was everything. My everything.

"Because she didn't let him. He always thought that since he would hurt the people near him, he shouldn't have anyone near him. So he tried but she didn't let him push her away." She continued.

"Wasn't she afraid of getting hurt?" I asked. I stole a glance at her. Weren't you afraid? Of me?  
"No, she wasn't."  
"Why not?" Shota asked. Fantastic question. One I wanted to know myself.  
"Because, she could tell that… the prince was lonely. He was sad. He might act as if it's all fine, but he's not fine. She could tell, the prince needed someone."

"How could she tell?"  
She paused, just for a moment. "He had those petrifying eyes…"  
"What is peh-tri-fah…" Shota attempted to understand.  
"Sorry, Shota-chan. Umm…" she turned my head to face her, looking at me in the eye, trying to look for the simplest words to describe them. I tried to avert her gaze.  
"Beautifully complicated. When she looked into his eyes, she could feel his pain." She let go of me and I quickly turned away, refusing to let her make me vulnerable again.  
"The girl had magical powers. She could feel what others are feeling." I mentioned sarcastically.

"What happens next?" Shota asked.  
"What now?" I asked, still unable to face her.  
There was an uncomfortable silence.  
"They lived happily ever after," Yuki finally concluded.

My insides lurched, I tasted bitterness on my tongue, and this sharp pain erupted throughout my body. Happily ever after? What happily ever after? What happily ever after can I possibly give you? I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. If I were to turn back time, I would have chosen never to even have met you, never to have pulled you down this road to hell with me.

"How come? I thought he was cursed."  
"He killed the witch who cursed him. And that ended the curse."  
Baby, you and I both know that's not how it works. I'm still cursed.  
"So they could live together forever and ever?"  
I couldn't see what Yuki did, I assume she nodded. "Go to sleep now, Shota. Your mother is coming soon."

You do know, don't you, how this would end. I cannot give you that family we dream of. I know that you want a family; you want children, even if it were just one child. But even if I can give those to you, it would only be temporary. I don't want my child to be bullied about not having a father, just like Shota was bullied. I don't want you to work several jobs a day just to support our child, like Yori does. I don't want my child to grow up, watching you pick up the pieces of the life I had left you to shoulder alone.

That is not a happily ever after.

* * *

Though the scenario I pictured then didn't happen, how our relationship ended, was no happily ever after either. But given a choice, I would have picked this ending over my imagined ending. Because I still loved you, still couldn't bear the thought of you suffering. I would rather suffer alone than make you suffer with me.

Screw fairy tales. The princess betrayed the prince. And the prince continued living to die another day. This was my 'happily ever after'.

* * *

A/N  
This was completed at 2.11 AM so I apologize for any mistakes, grammatical, poetical, nonsensical or OOC-ness.  
Please alert me if you spot any and I'll try my best to rectify them.


	14. Chapter 14 Sunrise

**A/N**  
I've been on a Korean craze lately and one of the guys I feel would be a good actor to play a real life Zero is Korean actor-singer TOP from the Korean group BigBang. Those eyes and jawline are amazing... I'm a sucker for sexy eyes and sharp jaws. If anyone has the patience/time/curiosity to Google him, please ignore the occasional terrible hair and the clothes. Anyway, it's just my opinion and if anyone has a different opinion I would love to know =) just leave it in the reviews section while you're reviewing!

On with the story. This entire chapter is in Yuki's POV, while she's still in the hospital.

* * *

I stared up at the ceiling, trying to go back to sleep. But I was failing miserably. Since when have I been so lazy? Since when did I start to wake up with this sinking, hopeless feeling? I know perfectly well when. I remember every single detail, every single word and touch, every single smile and each drop of blood.

I look to my right, imagining your head of silver hair in my face, your strong arms wrapped around my waist, your heartbeat comforting me. Stories tell of heated, lustful passion. Our story, just like our relationship, is so much more. Our passionate nights were hazy with lust and desperation, yet making it astonishingly clear, at least to me, the purity of our love. Our mornings were just as passionate, but tinged with the sweetness of bliss and peace and laced with the bitterness of knowing what was coming.

Our morning-afters didn't start this perfectly.

* * *

I remember the first time I looked into your eyes.  
It was our first meeting, remember? The first time you laid your eyes on me. I had been watching you for a while then, watching your every move. But, I never had a chance to look into those beautiful eyes of yours. Your eyes enchanted me and still do, every single time I look into them. Your eyes were full of fire, so angry with vampires, so angry with yourself, so angry with the world, so angry with fate. Yet, they were cold at the same time. To quote you, you were "dead to the world, living just to breathe."

It was just a quick glance – or glare – whichever you prefer. You had yelled at me for following you and I had answered you back. But in that brief split second exchange, I was already enamoured by your eyes. There was a tinge of pain, a touch of sadness. Your eyes were like a window to your soul, except that those windows had been boarded up and I had been looking through the cracks. And the whirlpool of emotions in your eyes pulled me into this mess.

* * *

I remember the first time I touched you.  
Your voice, uttering those heart-wrenching words with such painful desperation, awoke something in me I didn't know I possessed: the urgency to protect someone I loved.

"Don't touch me," you had uttered. I couldn't do what you asked. I wouldn't.

"Don't touch me… Let go… Let go now… I'll kill you… I swear I will…. Don't you dare touch me. Fuck off bitch…" you murmured. But I didn't let go. You were so cold, both inside and out. Your handsome face was marred by such terrible pain, your voice heartbreakingly desperate mumbling things that sounded like pleas and threats, your body completely rigid but trembling violently. I had to protect you.

Then, you started thrashing. You always seemed like a statue, a man who could not be moved, a man whom I had only seen put on 2 different masks: ruthlessness when you were hunting and killing; and indifference for every other time. This you I was looking at, this you without those masks you put on, this was the real you. A man torn down by the harsh winds of fate, broken to the core.

I shushed you, trying to hold you down as you thrashed against your nightmare, fighting off the predator in your dreams. For the first time, I wanted to protect someone. I wanted to protect you. You're so strong on the outside, yet so terribly fragile on the inside. I wanted to cure you from your pain. I wanted to kiss it all away. You were trembling violently, your jaw clenched so tightly.

I lied to myself, telling myself that getting closer to you was to help Kaname achieve his goal. But honestly, it was all for me. I just wanted to be near you. I just wanted to touch you. I just want to see your smile. I want you to be happy. I want to be your happiness.

I threw myself onto you, trying to hold back my tears. These feelings rushing through me were alien to me. All my life, I've been protected. Now, I want to protect you. All my life, I've been loved. Now, I want to love you. Because all your life, you've been thrust out to the wild to fend for yourself. Because all your life, you've been alone. Let me in. Let me into your life.

"Sshhh… I'm here. It's okay. I'll always be here. I'll take care of you. I promise. I'll protect you. You don't have to be scared anymore. I'm right here…" Your struggling subsided slowly. I laid my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat as it slowed down. I wrapped my arms around you in my vain attempt to shelter you from the pain. As gently as I could, I patted your head. Your heartbeat quickened again before it resumed its normal pace. I'll take care of you, I promised. I didn't know that in the end, the one to hurt you the most would be me.

Of course, you had to snap out of it and roughly pushed me out your door.

But we had more nights like these. They all began the same way. I would come when you were struggling. You would try to push me out. I would hold you until your nightmare passed. You would push me out again and succeed. But as time passed, your struggles grew less violent. Your thrashings gradually subsided. Your attempts to push me away lessened. And the time I spent in your bed, holding you increased until that one night.

* * *

I remember the first time I woke up next to you.

Every night, you suffer a bout of bloodlust. You fight with Shizuka in your dreams. You relive that night of no return again. You were so emotionally exhausted, so mentally worn out, so physically drained. So you would almost succumb to the animal in you when I come in. But you're so strong, even when you're at your weakest. You're so stubborn, even when you're on the verge of breaking apart. You're so brave, even when you were shouldering such a horrifying burden all alone. You knew that the beast in you was about to roar its ugly head, so you would push me away rather than take the easy way out of unleashing it. You physically pushed me towards the door, but because the beast in you was pulling in the opposite direction, you failed. "Get out, get out…" you would repeat to me. "Leave now. Leave me alone…"

But that night, I came in to find you seated on the floor. Your eyes wide open, lips almost colourless, your body rigid. "Zero…" I started. You bit your lips and closed your eyes, clenching your jaw and tilting your head upwards, as if the very sound of my voice gave you a splitting headache. I had 2 months' worth of experience with your nightly behaviour to know that this Zero was not the nightmare-pursued one I held every night for the past two months, not the Zero who wakes up from his nightmare and pushes me out the door immediately. But this sober Zero was not the one I knew either. The one I knew was brutally cold and would reduce me to ashes with a single glare. The sober Zero I knew would never allow me into his apartment in the first place. But there you were, silently sitting on the floor, your back against the wooden frame of your bed.

I walked towards you. "Why?" you asked.  
"Why… what?"  
"Why are you coming every night?" Your eyes were still closed, your words coming out with the kind of voice I can now identify as exhaustion.  
"I…" You cut me off before I could continue further.  
"Why would you continue coming when I push you out every night?"  
"Because…" I faltered. I had no acceptable explanation. I knelt down next to you. You bowed your head.  
"Can I touch you?" I asked timidly. I had discovered from previous experience, how holding you can steady your trembling body, how patting you tenderly would reduce your terrified mumblings, how physical contact with you once you're conscious earns me a one way ticket out your door.  
You didn't answer me. Gingerly, I reached out a hand to your face. As tenderly as I could, I placed my hand on your cheek. I felt you clench at my slightest touch.  
"I won't hurt you," I whispered.  
You turned away from me. "Why," you asked again, "Why would you continue this?"  
I remained silent, keeping my hand on your cheek.  
"I'm nobody to you. Why would you stay?" Your voice was starting to change, from exhaustion to breaking point.  
"You're not a nobody. You're… You're hurt. I…" I wondered if these were the right words to say, "I want to heal you."

You smirked, a faint look of disgust on your face. "How? How would you heal me?"  
I didn't know how. I didn't know how to bring back the light to your eyes. I didn't know how to resuscitate a dead man.  
"Please… look at me," I asked. Open your eyes; I want to drown in that ocean again.  
"You don't even know what's wrong with me, how would you heal me?" you asked again, squeezing your eyes shut.  
Your words pierced through me. I knew. I knew about your family, about how you watched them die; all from holding you as you sleep and listening to your murmurs.  
I learnt the rest from Chairman. I knew that the one who killed them left you alive to torture you, that you used to have a brilliant mischievous smile, that nobody ever saw that same smile again since, that you shunned everyone from your world since. I knew that today was their 5th death anniversary. And I knew that the pain was pushing you over the edge.

As gently as I could, I wrapped both arms around you, trying in vain to protect you.  
"Stop it!" you snarled. "Stop acting as if you know everything, stop acting as if you could cure me," you growled. "Let go of me, now."  
"I hear you talking in your sleep. I know that much."  
I felt you freeze.  
"What do I say?" you finally spoke.  
"You ask that woman to stop. You ask her to let go. You ask her to leave. But she didn't, did she? She took everything away from you. She hurt you."

Your body started trembling again. You stopped breathing. Your eyes are squeezed shut even more tightly.  
I stroked your back, "Shhh, she's not here. She can't hurt you. You're safe now, I promise."  
"Shut up… shut up…"  
"I'm sorry. Shhh, you're okay now. I'll take care of you."

I pulled you closer to me, closer than we've ever been before.  
This closeness scared me. I was afraid of your cinnamon, woody scent. I was afraid of your toasty warmth. I was afraid of your entrancing eyes. I was afraid of your perfectly angled jawline and sculpted cheekbones.  
I was afraid that I might not be able to let go. How can something that's supposed to be wrong feel so right.

"It hurts." You finally broke the silence.  
"Sorry… sorry…" I mumbled as I got myself to release my hold on him.  
You pulled yourself up, pulling me up with you.  
I stared at you, just as you stared at me, confused, each of us thinking what to do next, thinking what to say.  
"I'll… I'll leave now. Sorry." I broke our staring contest and turned to leave.  
"Don't." I turned back to look at him, unsure if I heard correctly.  
He had his head bowed but he didn't repeat his statement. He just stood there before me, before shuffling into bed, unable to look at me.  
I slipped into the bed, next to him. He jolted a little. "I've slipped into bed with you several times now, while you were sleeping." I told him playfully. "I know," he duly informs me.  
I honestly have, but those were times when his thrashings were violent and would have landed him on the floor. Now, when he's calm and awake, the aura is different. It's calm, almost soothing.

I watched him, noting that it was not only the colour of his eyes that were my undoing; it was the shape, the eyebrows and the overall expression of it. His cheekbones were high, his jaw exceptionally sharp, the tendons between his broad shoulders and neck was pronounced. Overall, he was one hell of a male species.  
"You're staring."  
I turned away, blushing deep red. "No, I'm not," I insisted.  
Silence hung in the air for a minute.  
"Thank you," you said.  
I pulled myself closer to you as reply. Neither of us slept that night, neither of us spoke further either. As the first rays of sunlight crept in through the windows, I realized with a pang.

You were the first person I've greeted the morning with. Kaname ups and leaves in the middle of the night. You were the first one I've watched the sun rise with.

"Hey, Zero?" I propped myself up to check if you were awake.  
"What?"  
"We're watching the sunrise together." Saying that sentence out loud made my heart feel lighter.  
"The sun rises every morning." Thank you, Mr Obvious.  
I jabbed you in the ribs and that was how I discovered your weak spot.  
That was the first of the many sunrises we watched together.

* * *

**A/N**  
If you would notice, the first time Yuki touches Zero is that scene where she opens her door to find him in a pool of blood and attempts to nurse him, Chapter 7. Hope this chapter didn't disappoint.


	15. Chapter 15 I'm Sorry

A/N  
Another flashback in Zero's POV. Longest chapter thus far and it's 4.50 am now so please let me know if there are any mistakes I may have made. I've been continuing my Korean craze and have recently completed City Hunter, starring the hottie Lee Min Ho. Thus, there are certain scenes here that are City Hunter inspired. For those who have too much free time awaiting examination results like me and fretting over them, like me, this is definitely a drama series worth your time! Enough with my ramblings and off with the story~

The beginning starts off with Zero's POV of the previous chapter. But this chapter will extend from there in the end.

* * *

I stood, staring at those three objects. I didn't know what to feel nor what to say. The anguish had numbed me. The past five years have numbed me.

Okāsan, Otōsan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm alive. I'm sorry I'm a disgrace to the Kiryuu name. I'm sorry that your son is now the creature the Kiryuu legacy has hunted for generations. I'm sorry for being alive while you're all dead. I'm sorry that I've been living so pathetically for so long.

I don't deserve anything, least of all the temptation placed before me.  
I don't deserve her, coming to me every night to stoke my hunger.  
I don't deserve her, coming to me every night to ease the pain.

A shocking pang went through my body. I'm not permitted to have these thoughts.  
But how could I forget her touch on my face, so warm and gentle, soft and kind. The last time a woman touched my face, she stole my humanity.  
How could I ignore how her arms wrap around me so protectively. The last time I was held by a woman, she sucked the life out of me.  
How could I dismiss her reassuring whispers in my ear, telling me that I was alright, that I was safe. The last time a woman held me close enough to whisper in my ear, she told me that I tasted delicious.  
How could I deny the fact that the moment she touches me, I feel the pain dissipating bit by bit. The moment she cradles me in her arms, I regain a little of my sanity. The moment she holds me tightly, those deafening screams of mine seemed to grow fainter. The moment she whispers softly to me, I feel safe.

I push her away every time. Once the unfamiliar feeling evokes. Once I feel it sharply tugging my chest. I push her away.  
I've only known pain. This feeling is its opposite.  
I've only known agony. This feeling renders it negligible.  
I'm terrified of the unknown. This feeling is unknown.

I fell to my knees. Okāsan, Otōsan, you died protecting Ichiru and I. Shizuka had to pry me from your hands, kāsan. Shizuka killed you just as you were screaming at her not to touch me. I watched both of you die. I just watched.  
I was weak, I'm sorry.  
I couldn't do anything, I'm sorry.  
I couldn't protect any one of you, I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry that the remaining Kiryuu alive is this weak.

Okāsan, Otōsan, I don't deserve this feeling that I don't understand, this feeling that I've never felt. It feels right, but it's wrong for me to feel this way. I know I shouldn't have such pesky, interfering feelings. But these feelings were the best I've had for so long.

So, I'm sorry that I want to. I want to feel something other than the perpetual agony. I want to feel something other than the numbing cold.  
I'm sorry, I want to be selfish.  
I'm sorry, I want to feel.

* * *

I could smell you approaching. I started to tremble all over. Don't come in, I'm supposed to think, run far away from me, don't ever come in.  
But instead, I was hoping that you would. Come in, please. I'm so tired, so exhausted from withstanding all this alone. Touch me with those hands of yours that can take the pain away. Hold me close to you, tempting me with blood I cannot take.

You came in. "Zero…" you started. I bit my lip, savouring the sound of my name from your lips. Why? Why do you say my name the way you do, almost as if I'm important to you, as if you would cry if anything happened to me.  
"Why?" I asked.  
"Why… what?"  
"Why are you coming every night?" Why do you tempt me when I'm so desperately trying to push you away? Why is it that you thwart my every effort in getting you not to come in? Why is it that you insist on barging into my life now?  
"I…" I cut you off before you could continue further, "Why would you continue coming when I push you out every night?  
You sputtered something then faltered. Slowly you stepped closer to me, kneeling down next to me.

"Can I touch you?" you asked. Please, please touch me. Pat me gently to ease my pain, hold me close to warm me. Yes, please touch me. But I couldn't say that out loud.  
You reached for me, I stopped breathing.  
You placed your hand so tenderly on my cheek and I clenched. Afraid. I'm so afraid.  
"I won't hurt you," you told me.  
I turned away. "Why? Why would you continue this?" Why would you continue following me, putting up with my cowardice, putting up with my selfish behaviour.  
"I'm nobody to you, why would you stay?" You're nobody to me either, why am I allowing you to stay?  
"You're not a nobody. You're hurt. I… I want to heal you."  
I smirked. Heal me? What is there to heal? What is there left of me to repair?

"Please, look at me," you murmured. I can't. How could I be so shameless as to look at you in the eye when I don't even deserve to have you in the same room as me? I can't look and drown in your cinnamon coloured eyes looking at me with the warmth and kindness that I don't deserve.  
"You don't even know what's wrong with me, how would you heal me?"

Then, you did the unthinkable.  
You wrapped your arms around me, as if you were protecting me. I cracked. This was exactly what I wanted, and it felt exactly the way I knew it would feel. It felt warm, safe. It felt right. It felt perfect.  
Precisely the kind of feeling I shouldn't have.  
"Stop it. Stop acting as if you know everything, stop acting as if you could cure me. Let go of me now." I growled at you. Let go of me, for your own sake. Please let go.  
"I hear you talking in your sleep. I know that much."  
I froze. All this while you've held me through the nightmares, but I didn't know that I would talk in my sleep. I didn't know that you would be listening. I didn't know how much I've said. I grimaced inwardly; I must look like a snivelling coward to you, a helpless useless bastard. That's what I am.

"What do I say?"  
"You ask that woman to stop. You ask her to let go. You ask her to leave. But she didn't, did she? She took everything away from you. She hurt you." Your words are triggering that reaction again. I'm trembling uncontrollably. I've stopped breathing. I shut my eyes, trying to tune out those screams, trying to block out those bloody visions. Okāsan, Otōsan, I'm watching both of you die again. And the scene is replaying again and again. Each time, I'm unable to do anything. Every time, again and again and again, she comes for me. And without fail, I die in every single scene.

You stroke my back, whispering words to comfort me. "Shhh, she's not here. She can't hurt you. You're safe now, I promise." I knew, that you couldn't possibly promise such a thing. I knew that you couldn't possibly magically cure me. But your words were good to hear. Things that I shouldn't listen to.  
"Shut up… shut up…"  
"I'm sorry. Shhh, you're okay now. I'll take care of you."  
You pulled me closer to you, closer than we've ever been before. It's so wrong but it feels every kind of perfect this way.

"It hurts." I finally forced myself to say. Yes, it did. It hurt to know that this will never last.  
"Sorry… sorry…" you let go of me. You thought you were holding me too tightly. You can never hold me too tightly. You weren't even holding me tight enough.  
We stared at each other as I hoisted you up. What next? What is there to say now?  
"I'll… I'll leave now. Sorry," you turned to leave.

No, don't leave me. Not now. It's cold tonight. Please don't leave me tonight. Their deaths are sure to haunt me tonight, even worse than usual. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Stay with me and comfort me like you always do. Stay, just this night, for me.

"Don't."  
You turned back to look at me. You were probably so used to me shoving you out that hearing me tell you not to is surprising. Yes, I surprised myself too. I bowed my head, unable to look you in the eye, unable to plead with you to stay. I stood there for a moment. Neither of us moved.  
Why would you stay? You had no reason to stay. I shuffled to bed, attempting to mumble an apology for behaving so peculiarly, but you slipped in after me.

I jolted a little, surprised that you would comply. "I've slipped into bed with you several times now, while you were sleeping," you told me.  
"I know."  
I can feel her eyes on me, watching me. But most of all, I felt calm. For the first time in so many years, I'm going to bed, feeling calm, feeling at peace. For the first time, I'm going to bed with a woman who did not just want to fuck me. I'm going to bed with a girl who would hold me as I'm struggling, who would whisper soft words to comfort me, and would attempt, in vain, to heal me. This feeling, is pure… utter… bliss.  
Oh God, I don't deserve this feeling.  
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not after everything I've been through. A monster like me deserves nothing close to this feeling of almost-happiness.

Her staring was getting uncomfortable. What is there to stare at? Is my face that pale? Are my fangs showing? I closed my mouth even tighter. Are my irises turning crimson? I squeezed my eyes shut.  
"You're staring." I stated.  
I could feel you turning away, blushing deep red. "No, I'm not," you insisted.  
Silence hung in the air for a minute.  
"Thank you," I managed to utter.  
You pulled yourself closer to me. Thank you for being here tonight, and for keeping those demons at bay tonight. Thank you for giving me something to feel.  
Neither of us slept that night, neither of us spoke further either.

"Hey, Zero?" you propped yourself up to check if I was awake.  
"What?"  
"We're watching the sunrise together," you said with a tone of contentment, satisfaction.  
Your words gave me butterflies in my stomach.  
You're the first woman I've slept with that is contented by such simple matters.  
You're the first woman I've slept with who is content with just lying next to me, without speaking a word.  
You're the first woman I'm greeting the morning with.  
And those facts further amplified that feeling of almost-happiness.

"The sun rises every morning." I muttered curtly, still unable to get over this feeling.  
You jabbed me in the ribs.  
I jolted. Which is a normal reaction. But you seemed so amused by it that you attempted it several times more.  
"Stop it. It's not funny."  
"But your reaction is hilarious," you laughed.  
I got up and you followed suit, still attempting to poke me, your attempts interrupted by squeals as I swatted your hands away from me.  
"Stop now." Your hair is all messed up but there's a glow to your face as you smile and laugh. I made you smile and laugh.  
I, the king bastard, managed to put a smile on someone's face. I almost smiled myself.  
I caught your hands and repeated, "Stop. Now."  
You pouted a little and said, "Fine. Let me use the bathroom first and I'll get us breakfast while you're getting ready?"

What?  
I was breaking all those rules Kaito taught me, which I was subconsciously attempting to use on you.  
1. Never get them wet - in other words, don't let them take a shower at your place.  
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i.e., don't ever see them during the day  
3. Never feed them after midnight - meaning, she doesn't sleep over, and you don't have breakfast with her. Ever - And brunch is not cool.

"No, I'm fine now. I'm sorry to have taken up your time." I tried to usher you out the door.  
"Make it up to me, then. Take me out for brunch." There go rules 2 and 3.  
Before I could protest, you changed your mind.  
"Hmm… that's not expensive enough. Dinner tonight then. It's a date!"  
If Kaito were here, he would be screaming his lungs out about her having the upper hand.  
And before I could protest, you had left my apartment with a "Bye!" closing the door behind.

Relief. I'm supposed to be relieved now that you've left.  
But I'm feeling this mixture of pain and joy.  
I liked the feeling of your body so near mine. I liked the feeling of your hands on my skin. I liked the fact that you always had that happy, sincere, warm smile reserved for me.  
And it hurt, because I knew I deserved none of it, because I was bound to hurt you.

I want to be selfish. Please, even if it is an hour, even if it is a minute. I want to feel the joy, without feeling the accompanying pain. I want to feel warm, without the storm clouds above me. I want to feel safe, without the knowledge that this carpet is going to be pulled under my feet at any moment. I want to feel you near me, without the threat of losing you at any moment.

I laid down, unable to continue thinking and let sleep take over for now.

* * *

My mother stood before me, her hands bloody.  
"Who do you think you are? What makes you think you deserve anything? You're weak. You deserve nothing. You deserve this life. You deserve to live this way. Nothing more." She reached out to me.

My father gave one disappointed look at me, a look I know too well.  
"I raised you to be a better man. Not someone this weak. Not someone who is unable to protect anyone or anything. Not someone who can't even protect himself. This is all your fault."

Ichiru… Ichiru! He stared at me, those kind eyes looking at me.  
"Zero niichan, I thought you were going to take care of me. I thought you would protect me. Why didn't you? Why couldn't you?"

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Forgive me please.  
Yes, I deserve this kind of life that's barely human. No, I don't deserve anything more, I don't deserve anything better. I'm sorry for disappointing all of you.  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, very sorry.

* * *

"Zero… Zero… Shh. It's okay now. It's okay." It's a nightmare. A very true nightmare. I don't deserve to wake up to her comforting arms. I deserve nothing of this sort.

I gripped the hand in mine, feeling the warmth through my cold sweat.

"It's okay. I'm here now. Nothing's going to happen."

I slowly opened my eyes, adjusting my eyes to the dim light from the lamp outside my window.  
"I'm here. Don't worry. You're safe now."  
I closed my eyes back, unable to look at her eyes that I knew were staring at me. I was trembling terribly and attempted to shrug her hands off me. I must look like such a coward, a pathetic mess.

"What are you doing here?" I finally managed to ask.  
"We have a date, remember?"  
Well, after you've seen me in my pathetic state, would you still date me?  
Apparently you could read minds because you continued, "Don't think that this lets you off the hook. I couldn't think of where to go, so I bought some steak and wine. As a gentleman, you'll foot the bill so you can pay me back later. You still have to dress up even if we're not going anywhere alright?"  
Gently, you led me to the bathroom and pushed me in. "Take a shower. I'll prepare."

My mind went numb for a moment. The part of me that was causing my fangs to elongate was in overdrive. I'm hungry. I'm very very hungry. Quickly, I blasted the cold shower all over myself. Calm down. Calm down now. You can't lose it. Not now. Not ever.  
Just because she comes to you every night, doesn't mean she's yours to take.  
Just because she promised to take care of you doesn't mean that you can use her to take care of your every animalistic need.  
Just because you feel different around her, doesn't mean she's different.  
Wake up, Zero. Wake up, from this sweet dream and step back into your cruel reality.

I swallowed hard, pulling my face up to receive the full blast from the shower head. Wake up, Zero. Wake up.  
I grabbed the tin of blood tablets and took as much as my body could handle. This would have to do, for now.

Something was burning. I could smell it, even without my vampire senses.  
I shut the shower and was about to step out when I realized that I had almost nothing on. Not if you consider the wet clothes plastered to my body as something. But something was definitely burning.  
I poked my head out through the door.  
"Are you trying to burn my house down?"  
"No, I'm trying to cook."  
Good lord. "Switch off the stove and step away from it. Now."  
Hastily, I peeled off my wet clothes and dried myself, pulling on a pair of jeans from yesterday that I hadn't managed to launder.

As I stepped out, I barked at her, "Get out of my kitchen." Way to kick off a date.  
She had backed away from the stove but still gently prodding the blackened slab what used to be meat from afar with a spatula. "Get lost," I took it out of her hands. Strike 2 for me.  
She pouted, and then watched me as I attempted damage control.  
"I knew this would happen so I bought extra. Can you take over?" she asked, giving me a puppy dog face that could rival any real puppy dog I've ever seen.  
I 'hmmphed' and did as she asked; the sucker I am.  
"Great! I'll set the table."  
If not because I was busy cooking dinner, I would have slammed my head several times against the wall to punish the idiot residing in my brain.

I placed the second slab of meat down on the plate and looked up to see her smiling happily at me.  
"What?"  
"You look so good when you're cooking."  
I looked away from her and turned to wash the oily pan. Her words had turned off my vampire part and turned on another part I was unfamiliar with.  
"Here. I got it from your closet." You handed a black shirt to me, one that I only had a hazy memory of wearing once; and even then due to council requirements/demands. Read: Chairman's tears, persistence, threats and underhanded conniving methods.  
"Put it on! You have to dress up for our date!" you insisted, shoving it in my face.  
I give up. You win. I'll let you have your stupid date. I dried my hands and pulled on the shirt.  
"There. Happy?" Judging from your facial expression, you were one truly satisfied woman. I wonder if you would wear this expression when I… Let's not go there. The hot blooded male in me needs to switch off, as soon as possible.

You had set the table with candles and flowers. I assume that's going into my bill as well.  
And you had dressed up too. Your hair was coiled into a loose side bum, the loose strands perfectly framing your face. You were wearing a short, sleeveless dress with a cinched waist; sexy without the slutty. And you were wearing perfume tonight; it smelled of red apples and apricots. Absolutely delicious.  
"Did you change or something?" Because I don't remember you in this when you were pushing me to the bathroom.  
"Yeah. While you were cooking. Do you like it?" you gave a little twirl.  
Yes, I do. But I just buttoned up my shirt and sat down without a word.  
"Do the honours." You handed me the bottle of wine. I complied and poured two glasses.

We ate in silence. I know now, how terrible this sort of silence is to your ears.  
"You know something?"  
I raised an eyebrow.  
"You're such an ass."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Women hit on you all the time at the bar. I occasionally see you going off with a few and yet, this is how you treat women."  
"How do I treat women?"  
"Like… like… like this! Like you absolutely don't give a damn."  
"You get hit on by men too." Yes, I've noticed you, probably more than you've noticed me.  
"Well, I don't follow them home."  
"That's a relief." I blurted. Shit.  
"Why is that a relief?"  
Damage control time.

"They might be so dissatisfied and stop coming to the bar. Your boss would not be happy that you're driving customers away."  
You opened your mouth indignantly. Then closed it. Then opened it again.  
"You… you…" Then something clicked in your mind and you smiled.  
"That's the longest sentence I've heard from you."  
I didn't deign that with any response.  
You continued smiling, as you cut your meat and ate it. I kept my head down too, afraid that you might see the way you were affecting me. During the few moments that I did look up, our eyes would meet and both of us quickly looked away. You would bite your lower lip. I would just cut furiously.

I finished eating first and continued to sip the wine. "I bought a few bottles." You ventured.  
"That's good."  
"Do you like it?"  
"Yeah." I could be drinking plain water right now and still be this happy.  
"You're paying."  
"I know." You stared at me again, with the look that said that you were looking right through my facade and into my soul.  
"Hey."  
"Yeah?"  
"I'm sorry."

I kept quiet for a moment. This would be a good time to brusquely brush you off and usher you out the door. Instead, I asked, "For what?"

"For everything."  
"Like?"  
"Everything bad that happened to you."  
You had finished eating by then and were looking at me intently. I didn't trust myself enough to speak.  
"I meant every word I said." You took a deep breath before continuing, "When I said I would try to heal you, I meant it."  
"It's not your responsibility to mend me."  
"I want to."  
"It's not necessary."  
"Why won't you let me?"  
You poured yourself a second glass of wine.  
"Because it's not something you should get involved in."  
"Why not?"  
"It doesn't concern you."  
"I'm making it my business."

I'm about ready to pull out my hair in exasperation.  
"Why the hell would you?"  
You poured yourself a fourth glass of wine and didn't reply, instead saying, "This wine really is good."  
I collected our dishes and dumped them into the sink.  
"Then we should just drink and shut up." I suggested.  
You grinned at me, "I agree." And carried 2 bottles of wine over to the sofa.  
We forwent the glasses and drank from our own bottle straight.

"You're really good looking, you know." You started rambling after half a bottle.  
You wouldn't remember what I say anyway. "You're really beautiful too." I mumbled.  
You took another huge gulp and said, "But you're an asshole."  
"Why do you say that?"  
You turned and stared at me, giving me a shy smile. "I've lost count of the number of women you leave with."  
I started to down wine like nobody's business.  
"Zero?"  
"Hmm?"  
"How does a one night stand feel like?" I looked at you closely, wondering if this was an innocent question or a snide remark. You were looking genuinely curious.  
"You've never tried?" You shook your head. Your face was really red and your eyes were barely open.  
I swallowed. "It feels like nothing."  
You stared at me.  
Then gave me a smack.

"What was that for?"  
"How can it feel like nothing? You're lying." You smacked me again, lost your balance and fell onto me.  
I must be a very comfortable pillow for you snuggled closer, placing your head to the crook of my neck and shoulder. I didn't push you away, opting instead to place and arm around your waist. At this point, I was not sure if it was me or the alcohol.  
"I'm not. It feels like nothing. It feels… empty."  
Yes, I've had one night stands, when the days felt too lonely to withstand alone, when the nights were too cold. When I need to extract information regarding a vampire. When I feel like I'm dead. But I can barely remember the last time I had a one night stand.  
"The blonde was really pretty."  
"Who?"  
"The last girl I saw you leaving with."  
"When was that?"  
"Hmm… 2 or 3 months ago?"  
"That's really long ago."  
"Zero?"  
"What?"  
"What sort of girls do you like?"  
I took a few swigs and turned to look at her through my alcohol fogged eyes and mind.

"Brunette. Small. Pretty smile." You smiled at my words.  
I took a few gulps again. Gingerly, I ran my fingers through your hair, undoing the loose bun which was messed up already. "Soft hair," I murmured, twining your hair with my fingers. Tell me to stop. Tell me to stop touching you. Because I can't stop myself.  
I finished the last of my 2nd bottle. And continued running my fingers from your hair to your face. "Beautiful face," I whispered. You gently placed your hand over mine, holding it to your face.

I stopped breathing for a moment, fearing that you'll tell me to stop  
"Your hands are rough."  
"Sorry." I tried to take it away.  
"No!" You protested. "Shows that you're a man." You smiled contentedly as you leaned towards me and pressed my hand to your face.  
You stared at me with sleepy eyes. "Have I told you how handsome you are?"  
"No. Tell me."  
You placed your hand on my cheek and started tracing my features. "Your eyebrows are perfectly shaped," you traced the arch of my brow. "Your eyes are such a unique colour… I don't know what colour it is," you placed your fingers at the corner of my eyes. I had one hand around your waist and one hand on your face. But these hands weren't content merely being stagnant when your hand was exploring my face. Your hand went southbound to my neck. "And that tattoo… Such a badass aren't you?" you laughed. I brushed strands of your hair away from your face and let my other hand wander across the curve of your waist and hips.

"I'm awful." I told you.  
You stared at me with half-closed eyes. You really couldn't hold your alcohol, could you.  
"So?"  
"So what the hell are you doing here?"  
"Doing… what?"  
"I'm a man, you know."  
You smiled and blushed. "I'm very aware."  
"I'm the kind of man who has one night stands."  
"I know."  
"I'm the kind of man who doesn't care to remember her name in the morning."  
"Okay."  
"I'm the kind of man who would hurt you."  
"Mm hmm."  
"So why aren't you out the door yet?"

There was no reply from you. I peered down. You were sleeping peacefully. Your head buried at the crook of my neck, one hand around my chest, the other clutching my side.  
It was like an angel was taking a nap in my arms.  
You shifted uncomfortably but maintained physical contact with me.  
I took hold of your legs and placed them across mine, so that now you were fully resting on me.  
I couldn't take my eyes off you.  
I feel my breath hitch in my throat as I watch you sleeping peacefully in my arms.  
This is new to me. Is it new to you too? I know now that it's not.  
I've never felt this way before. I know now that you never felt this way towards me at all.  
I've never felt this kind of desire before, this burning desire that trumps the hunger.

I pulled my face nearer to yours, just to inspect you.  
What is it exactly that makes you so brave as to attempt to heal me?  
Is it your food or some vitamins or some new age rubbish they hawk on the internet?  
I feel unusually warm, I assume it's the wine.  
I felt unusually brave too, again I'm assuming it's the wine.  
I pulled my face nearer and nearer to yours.

Your lips are half an inch away from mine.  
I'm sorry, but I think I want to kiss you.

* * *

A/N  
Kaito's rules are taken from another one of my favourite shows, How I Met Your Mother Season 5 opener. For the incredibly bored and lazy, here's the link: .

As for Yuki's scent, I envision her wearing DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom.

Reviews are greatly appreciated!


	16. Chapter 16 Don't Cry

A/N  
Zero's POV in the present, when he's over at Cheongug training new vampire hunters. Currently really stressed out, thus this chapter is shorter than usual and is meant as a personal stress reliever. Thank you for putting up with my rantings and I'll leave you to read in peace now. =)

* * *

They were mere boys, all of them barely 15. Still young, still innocent. I watched as they filed into line as instructed, watched as they fooled around with each other. When I was that age, I had lost everything. I listened as they discussed a pretty girl they spotted somewhere. When I was their age, I was busy fighting other desires.

Then again, even before I had lost everything, I didn't have anything to begin with.

I was the son of a Hunter noble class, with an unbeaten legacy. I was one of two heirs, and was supposed to be the better one of the two. Hence, I was given the treatment and training that was beyond normal, because I was deemed to have abilities that were beyond normal.  
I could run faster than others, so they pushed me to run faster and further.  
I had higher endurance than others, so they made me go against each and every other trainee and trainer in succession.  
I was stronger than others, so they forced me to fight harder, train longer and withstand more pain.  
I had no childhood, even from before.

They were running 5 laps within 10 minutes. Yagari and Dad used to force me to run 7 laps in 8 minutes, the number of laps increasing and the time decreasing as the days went by.  
They were practicing one on one sparring. I used to take on five or more alone.  
I used to run laps, come rain come shine. I used to fight in different conditions against successive opponents, in the mud, on the rooftop, barehanded, normal weapons, hunter weapons; come what may.  
And every time I failed, Dad would look at me disapprovingly and refuse to speak to me, Yagari would tell him not to push me so hard and he would say, "He's the sole Kiryuu heir. He needs to be strong."  
My training continued, getting more difficult and strenuous with time, pushed to my human limits each time.

It was no different at home either. I was pushed to the edge mentally as well.  
I was trained to be cold, feelingless. Because feelings are a hindrance to our duty.  
My mother was cold; I can't remember the last time she touched me before the day Shizuka attacked. But I've seen how she embraces Ichiru, how she makes his favourite tomato soup with diligence, how she makes sure that he's comfortable whereas I came home soaking wet, covered in bruises and nobody cared.  
I was trained to be desensitised, an extra exercise my father threw in for me in secret. I was thrown into an empty room for days, to train me to keep my sanity. That was probably how I managed to remain sane for so long after Shizuka bit me.

Only Ichiru treated me like family, like the brother that I was to him. He idolised me, depended on me; and I loved him and hated him at the same time. I hated that he was loved while I was trained not to love. I hated that he would be warmly embraced whereas I would be left alone. I hated that my parents treated him like a son and treated me like a trophy to be polished every day. I was jealous and so angry, so confused as to why I had to be singled out this way, so hurt. But Ichiru was my only source of warmth, so I loved him anyway.

These recruits in front of me now, I wonder what's their story. How many of them really want to be Hunters? How many of them are only here because of familial obligation? How many of them are being forced into this? I leaned against the wall, brooding. They were all uncomfortable around me. I wore the scent of a vampire and a hunter at the same time. But then again, I didn't need their friendship. I was there as a consultant trainer.

As I watched their training progress, my resentment grew more and more bitter.  
Why did I have to grow up the way I did? Just because I was the stronger twin?  
Why did I have to lose everything? Just because I couldn't protect them? Because I wasn't strong?  
Why did the powers that be give me something to hold on to then wrench it away so cruelly?  
Why did I have to fall in love with a woman who hurt me this way?  
What have I ever done to deserve these… misfortunes.

Hugs and gentle touches, comforting hands and loving words were things I've never had from before, what more since Shizuka's attack. They were things that were never meant to be mine, things I've long since given up on. Things I didn't dream of having, because I knew the consequences of desiring them.  
I've tried not to think of it, but one too many one night stands left me yearning for more than just a body to satisfy my carnal needs. But, I shoved those impossible dreams away, keeping the hopes and wishful thinking at bay.

And then you came along, pulling me into your arms as if I was important, embracing me as if I meant something to you, comforting me as if my happiness was pivotal. And I fell for your act, lapped it all up like a starved dog, because that was what I was. Starved, hollow, empty. And you promised all the things I wanted but couldn't achieve, all the things I've never had; that for once, I caved in to temptation. I fell in love with you, gave all I had to you, gave you the heart I didn't know I possessed, gave you the soul I thought had been snatched away.

Chairman, you were right. Before I left, you had asked me, "Does it hurt that much?" I didn't answer you. Yes, it hurts that much. It hurts that much and so much more. You asked again, "It hurts enough to make a Hunter run?" Yes, it hurts that much, more than enough to make me run, more than enough to make me want to die on the spot. Then you had asked the very question I didn't know how to answer.

"Will not seeing her ease your pain?" No. No, it doesn't. This pain will never go away. This pain will remain in me continuing to torment me, to haunt me, to squeeze the non-existent life out of me. This pain, this agony… is beyond words. Whether or not I see her, is not a matter of making the pain go away, it's a matter of whether the pain will get worse more quickly or more slowly.

The weather here is harsh, the ground covered in snow, a thunderstorm brewing ahead. I lay in bed that night thinking of Yuki again. Thinking if her being afraid of thunderstorms was an act or was for real, and if it was for real, who was comforting her tonight. Were her lack of cooking skills an act to get close to me or for real, and if it was for real, who was making her favourite ginger pork stir fry, if it truly was her favourite. Wondering if she was wondering about me too.

* * *

"Zero…" You're speaking to me. This is unbelievable. "Zero!" You slowly walked towards me. Please, hurry and reach me, hurry and touch me gently, hurry, before this rare sweet dream ends. You brushed my bangs away from my eyes. I closed my eyes, afraid to see you disappear, like you always do in each of my dreams.

"I'm here."  
Cautiously, I opened my eyes again. You're still here. This is absolutely ridiculous. I reached out a hand to cup your face. You smile at me with tears in your eyes. "Don't cry," I told you, even though my own eyes are blurred. "This is one of those rare good dreams, please don't cry." You sobbed and laid down next to me. I wondered if I had finally gone mad, finally fallen to Level E, because these dreams are so sweet that it's bitter.

I wrapped my arms around you. You buried your face in my chest, your small hands gripping fistfuls of my shirt, just like you always do when there's a storm outside.  
"I'll take care of you. Don't cry."  
You promised the same thing to me. And tonight, that's exactly what your apparition is doing. The Yuki of my dreams is holding me tonight, and that's all I need right now. The you in front of me may be a dream, but who says dreams can't be better than reality.

* * *

A/N  
The question now is whether I should make his dreams come true. Thank you for reading and I appreciate all the support and feedback given.


	17. Chapter 17 My Angel

**A/N**:  
This chapter starts off with a short paragraph which is a continuation of the dream sequence in ch16. After that the body of the story is the continuation of the almost-kiss situation in ch15, first in Zero's POV, then in Yuki's POV, then Zero's again. Sorry if it's getting confusing just PM me if you can't figure it out.

* * *

I'm still dreaming, but she's still here, right next to me, sleeping in my arms like she used to. I haven't dared to close my eyes, afraid that once I open them again, she'll be gone. Let me have this little bit of sweetness, for as long as it can last. I brushed the brown locks off her face, and leaned in, finally closing my eyes. I want to kiss you, but you'll disappear once I do and I can't bear to watch you go. Like angels, you'll disappear once I wake up. Because angels only exist in my dreams.

* * *

A drunk girl on a guy's lap, alone, in his apartment.  
Kaito would say that the story should end with large grins.  
But how would our story end?

I'm sorry. I want to kiss you so badly. It may be because of the alcohol. However, people say that drunken people are the most honest, because there is no self-restraint anymore. So, following that argument, it follows that I am currently my most honest self; the boy who wants to kiss her is the true, completely honest version of me.

The tips of our noses are touching. Your fingers tightened slightly, but enough to raise the flags. I knew that you were conscious now. And you may be drunk, but you weren't completely unaware of what I would do to you next.

I came closer, just to test my limits, just to see how far you would let me go.  
Our lips were close, just a slight tilt of my head and they would meet. But I didn't. I lingered there, neither retracting nor progressing. Your fingers continued to tighten, but you didn't push me away, just squeezed your eyes shut. I knew enough about women to know that you would have jumped up immediately if you didn't want me to kiss you. And it's only rational to think that if you wanted me to kiss you then you were probably emotionally invested in me already.  
Which was exactly what I couldn't have. But – goddamnit! – I want to kiss you.

I tilted my head upwards.

And planted the smallest, lightest kiss on your forehead. I saw a flash of disappointment across your face but you continued to feign sleep, snuggling closer to my chest. I have to leave now, I can't have you here next to me, lest I continue kissing you. "Thank you," I murmured. Thank you for allowing me to hold you, thank you for holding me every night, thank you for letting me have that one, fleeting kiss. I lifted you up; you wrapped your arms around my neck. I laid you down on my bed, not wanting to raid your bag for the keys to your apartment. You refused to unhook your arms around me, opened one bleary eye and asked, "Stay with me?" I shook my head. "Please?" you pouted and tightened your arms. "Don't leave." "I've got to work." "It's late. And it's raining. And it's cold and windy. And you'll get sick. And it'll be morning soon. No point going out now," you whined and pouted some more.

I unhooked your arms around me, "Sorry." Sorry for letting you get involved with me, you're in too deep now so I better get you out before you drown. And sharing a bed is going to sink you further. I had to leave. But now, you were gripping my shirt, still telling me not to leave and that the weather was lousy and it was pointless to go since it would be morning soon. Much as I didn't want to, I know well enough that if I stayed, bad decisions might be made. So I had to come up with a new tactic to make you release me.

"Yuki, I'm a man you know."  
"Yes."  
"Holding on to my shirt like this, what do you want?"  
"I want you to stay."  
"Stay and do what?"  
"We'll watch the sun rise together again." And inside, my long dead heart started to ache at her simple request.  
"In the same bed?"  
You nodded shyly, "There's nowhere else to sleep, right? Not like it's the first time…"  
"Well, you don't know about one night stands. But you do know what usually happens when a guy and a girl share a bed, right?" I doubted you could be so thoroughly innocent, working in a bar and watching the initial process occur all around you. Sure enough, you were blushing.  
Ha! Got you. I pulled closer to you and lowered my voice.  
"The way you're gripping my shirt now… It's as if you want it off."

You blush an even darker shade of pink but maintained your grip on me. Fine, looks like I have to take it one step further then.  
"Do you?" I undid my top button.  
Your fingers started to tremble. Good.  
Slowly, I moved towards the next button and took my own sweet time unbuttoning it. Teasing you this way was somewhat… invigorating. You were blushing furiously, biting your lip and angling your head away, but still affording yourself a slight view of me. You little minx. "Do you want to unbutton the next one yourself?"  
You squeaked and let go.  
"I thought so."  
"You're cheating. Just because you're a guy."  
"Go home, Yuki." I picked up your bag to hand it to you and turned to find you sleeping, or rather faking it, on my bed. I covered you with my blanket and saw your lips curve upwards into a small smile. You have no idea how much I wish I could lay in bed with you and watch the sun rise together, but I can't. I'm sorry. Throwing one last look at you, I locked the apartment door and stepped out to hunt.

* * *

You're drawing closer. Kiss me. Kiss me now.  
And you did, except that it was on my forehead. "Thank you," you muttered. I was unable to place that tone in your voice, except that it worried me. You picked me up and laid me down ever so gently on your bed. You were going to leave. And for some reason, I was scared of you leaving. "Stay with me," I told you. "Please…" I tried to convince you, pouting and whining that it was cold and that you would get sick. Besides, it was going to be morning soon, and you don't work mornings, so why waste time going out?

You unwrapped my arms but I found another place for my hands anyway. I gripped your shirt, unwilling to let go. I'm so brave tonight, Rido would approve. I tried to pull you to me, but you're so much stronger so my efforts were futile. All I could do was continue whining.

"Yuki, I'm a man you know."  
"Yes." You're an excellent male specimen, if I may add.  
"Holding on to my shirt like this, what do you want?"  
"I want you to stay."  
"Stay and do what?"  
"We'll watch the sun rise together again." I smiled widely at you, though it may have come off as a drunken, stupid childish smile.  
"In the same bed?"  
I nodded shyly, understanding the meaning of your words but then again… "There's nowhere else to sleep, right? Not like it's the first time…"  
"Well, you don't know about one night stands. But you do know what usually happens when a guy and a girl share a bed, right?"  
I blushed. Yes I understand, and yes I'm familiar with the mechanics.  
Your voice lowered dangerously sensually, enough to make me start trembling. "The way you're gripping my shirt now… It's as if you want it off."

My face grew even warmer at his words, but I didn't let go. My breathing quickened as you undid your first button, exposing your slender collarbone. I should look away but I can't. It's not as if I've never seen it before, just that the last time I saw it, it was to take care of your wounds in a hurried and panicked state.  
Your fingers slowly teased the second button out of its hole.  
Slowly. As if on purpose to agitate me.  
I understand your game now. I bit my lip, trying to calm my thumping heart.

I could see the flat panes of your chest and the dark shadows outlining the lean, taut muscles. Strong. And absolutely statuesque. The kind of art you see in Italian sculptures. So perfect. So insanely hypnotizing that my fingers wanted to explore. My mind went blank, filled only with the thought of his body under my fingers… until…

"Do you want to unbutton the next one yourself?" Your amused voice broke me out of my reverie, till I unwittingly let go of you.  
"I thought so." I could hear the smirk in your voice.  
"You're cheating. Just because you're a guy."  
"Go home, Yuki." You turned away for a moment so I took my chance to quickly feigned sleep.  
Your gentle hands laid your blanket on me. Who knew such a man could be so gentle when he wanted to, I smiled to myself.

I heard the door close. And felt myself lapsing into that moment of hopelessness I've seem to be getting more and more familiar with.

I'm falling for you.  
I'm trying not to. But I am. Too many years stuck in an empty manor alone, reading romance novels voraciously have made me realize that I'm suffering from all the symptoms of a love-struck heroine.

I think of you constantly, worry about you when you're not with me, go out of my way to be near you and try my best to impress you. And every time I see you, my heart feels so much lighter and burdened at the same time. When I see you hurting, see you when you're having those terrible nightmares, my heart aches in a way it never has. And my only wish right now is to see you smile, not that pained one, not that smirk; a true smile. I want to be the one who could put a smile on your face.

This was not the original plan.  
Uncle Rido had sent me here, next to you, to the apartment unit next to yours, to the nearest bar, to get close to you. "Get close to him, enter his life. It will help Kaname." Rido had told me. Simple words were enough to convince simple-minded naïve me to do it. It was an opportunity to get out, to see with my own eyes, the world I've only seen through films and books. I was restless and resentful, watching Kaname leave the house at his leisure and me, stepping out of one manor, into a coach, and into another manor, at someone else's convenience. I hated being confined to my little space. I hated being a secret, to the point that not even my own kind knew I existed. I was like the little piece of treasure that was buried deep in one's treasure box, hidden to be kept safe, to the point nobody even knew it existed.  
But most importantly, I would be helping Kaname, reducing his burden and being of more use than the wallflower I was. For Kaname, I was willing to do anything, to step out of my safety zone and do whatever necessary, even if it was behind Kaname's own back. Rido had organized everything and all I had to do was to go. I would receive instructions from him as and when needed. Seemed easy enough.

The first task was to get near you. Which was near impossible. Yes, you were easy on the eyes. Yes, I found you mesmerizing. But you were epically difficult to approach, our first interaction ended up with us snapping at each other. So, like a child being set a particularly difficult piece of homework, I procrastinated, enjoying my little bit of newfound freedom rather than the task Rido had given me. Then my second task came.

Rido told me, "He would be coming home late tonight. Wait for him and see to it that he's taken care of." That was it. How difficult could it possibly be. And then I found you bloodied up on the floor. Until I watched you attempt to sleep. Until I watched you struggle so badly. Yes, it was difficult. It was so difficult to watch without doing something. So I did the only thing I could do. I entered your apartment when you're at your weakest and comforted you the best I could. I have no idea who you are, what you are, what Rido wanted to do with you, how getting close to you would help Kaname. But I kept it up anyway. Spending those nights with you didn't shed further light on Rido's plan or how you fit into it. But those nights with you made me fall for you.

I saw your vulnerability, usually shielded by your harsh cold demeanour. The needy way you clung to me when your nightmare was at its darkest point. The desperate, sad way you murmured in your sleep. It awoke… feelings in me I didn't know I possessed. I was a princess, never needing to do anything at all. But for you, I learned how to cook. Sure, you taught me the basics, but I bugged my co-workers for other details, how to make it taste better etc., without you asking me to, just because I wanted to make you feel better. For you, I learnt to make lame jokes, attempting to make you smile. For you, I learnt to be crafty, duplicating your keys before you could take them from me so that I could enter at night to take care of you.

But my third task came.  
Make him fall for you, Rido told me.  
I should have aborted the mission then. At a time when I wasn't sure whether it was you I was in love with or if it was the idea of love that I was in love with. It would have been easier had I just said the words, "I give up. I don't want to do this anymore." Our story wouldn't have ended up this way, it would hardly have begun.

I roll over his bed. It's not as soft as mine in the Kuran manor, but it sure was a lot warmer. And it smelled of Zero. This apartment is small, with the windows clanging when the wind blows strongly, the toilet door not closing properly, the paint peeling and the stove needing some adjusting or some all-out banging to get it functioning. But it's great; it's home.

If this were a novel, you and me wouldn't be settling for chaste kisses on the forehead but would be ripping each other's clothes off by now. If this were a happy novel, there would be no Rido looming in the background, waiting for me to lead you into his trap. If this was a simple novel, there would be no Kaname, the man whom I loved and still love, albeit differently. But it isn't a novel. Much as I love you we can't have that simple, delightful ending, with everything magically falling into place, you and me living happily ever after.

I tried to prolong my stay in his apartment for as long as I could, even thoroughly cleaning the apartment just to wait for him to come home. But he's not back yet. It's 11 in the morning and he's yet to come home since going out at 2 in the morning. I sat on the couch, not wanting to mess up the bed I've made neatly. I looked around for something to do, anything just so I could stay a little longer. Perhaps I should iron his clothes for him. I don't think he believes in ironing since most of the clothes I saw while rummaging through his closet were creased. At this point, I was willing to do anything at all to give myself a reason to stay and greet him when he returns.

I had to get the ironing board from my own apartment and went out to get one. And when I opened his door to get out, I saw his silver head leaned against the wall outside. He had been sleeping outside all this time. Gosh, what an idiot! He could have come in and slept next to me. What, was the floor more inviting than me now? I sat down next to him, taking my opportunity to do some staring while he was asleep.

I realized with a pang, how beautiful he looked. But his face was sad, his brows furrowed and forehead creased. Like an angel in mourning.  
And my gaze lingered on his lips.  
Those lips that could have touched mine. Those full, pale lips that could have claimed my own had he chosen to.  
Those lips were soft against my forehead; I wonder if it would be as soft against my lips.  
I wondered how those pale lips would taste like, wondering if it would be as sweet as its cotton candy colour, or fresh as his shower gel I used this morning. Maybe it would be minty, like his toothpaste I used this morning. There might be a chance of it being savoury as well, like his delicious cooking.

Before I knew it, I was dangerously close to his face. I could see each individual eyelash, each crease of his lips. At that moment, all I could think of was Zero, how it would feel like to be closer to him, how it would feel like to kiss him, how it would feel like to kiss the lips of an angel.

Slowly, you opened your eyes. But not in a manner of one who just woke up. It was as if you had been closing your eyes in deep thought, reached a conclusion and opened them again. And the expression in those eyes was different from when you left in the night.

He's cold, again.  
The man who blanketed me last night was warmer. I once thought of your eyes as boarded up windows to your soul and I was looking through the cracks, trying to figure you out. I thought I had managed to tear away some of those boards. I've seen you shirtless, seen you sick, seen you vulnerable. I thought that I would never see those cold eyes of yours looking at me again. But there they were.

You eased yourself up. "You're late. Why are you wearing my shirt?" The tone of your voice was frosty. I've never heard it this way before. You weren't looking at me in the eye. "Your clothes are torn. Come inside," I told you, trying to match the frostiness in your voice, trying not to show that your sudden change in attitude upset me. I tried to take your torn coat from you, only to have you roughly push my hand away. "Go home, Yuki. I'm fine."

"You're not," I'm trying so hard to not show you how it hurts me to see you this way, to have you revert back to your old way of treating me coldly. But I can't stop the tears from forming. You ignored me and went into your apartment. I'm standing here rooted to the spot, unable to comprehend your sudden change in attitude. I thought I was so close, so close to unlocking you, but you built another wall again. You handed me my bag, "Here, go home Yuki."  
"I am home." Home is where the heart is, right. And my heart's with you.  
You proceeded to close the door. But I pushed it open. At least tell me why, tell me why you're acting this way, tell me why you've changed in a matter of hours, tell me how to fix you. "I promised that I would protect you." And I saw it.

That flash of pain in your eyes. It's unmistakable.  
"I'm absolving you from that promise." You pushed your door. I pushed back harder.  
"You have no right."  
"Neither do you." I stared at you quizzically, confused by your words. Your eyes are blazing angrily, but I could tell that your anger was not directed at me.  
"Just leave."  
"Why?"  
You refused to answer and just pushed the door shut in my face.

* * *

I've closed the door. But you called out to me through the door. "I'll take care of you. I'll mend you. I promise." And your words cut me deeply.

I never believed in God.  
But at that time, I almost did. Because someone, somewhere sent me an angel. To save me, a man who was beyond salvage. But she's in human form, so I can't accept her. I can't use her to mend my wounds, can't make her live this unreasonable, ridiculous life with me.  
Please, please let me go. Please live well, for yourself. Please forget about me, don't be upset over a man like me, and find someone else worthy of you. Not me, never me.  
You're an angel. Find someone who's at least human. Not me, never me.

I stumbled to bed, lying there, taking one blood tablet after the other, brooding.  
A brooding vampire, how original.  
And I thanked the Level E vampire I killed today, who helped me realize that this unhealthy relationship I had with Yuki was unacceptable.

She's an angel. Too bad she'll never be mine.

* * *

**A/N**:  
I hope this clears up some questions regarding how Yuki came into Zero's life. Reviews and suggestions are highly appreciated =)


	18. Chapter 18 Screwed

A/N

Loooong hiatus coz life's been a bitchy rollercoaster lately. This is post-almost-kiss, and the situation that Zero flashes back to occurs that very night.  
Been missing the feel of writing but I've had to adjust to certain personal circumstances that I'm still adjusting to and writing this has helped me a lot.  
It's been more than a year since I started and it seems here as if Zero and Yuki are still in that time warp.  
So hope that you all still like the story so far! If you don't, constructive criticism is still very much appreciated.

* * *

"You changed the locks," you glared at me. I looked away.  
"Why?" Don't look up Zero, don't. Or else you will feel that inexplicable pain again.  
"Answer me." I could hear the tears in your voice. Please. Please don't. I'm not worthy of your tears.  
Still unable to look at you, I tried to push past.  
You caught my arm, "At least… tell me why. Why are you so cold so sudden?"  
It was my mistake. I'm sorry.  
My mistake for even allowing myself to feel what little comfort you brought me.  
My mistake for allowing you to come in, just so I could fall asleep more peacefully.  
My mistake for allowing you to worm your way into my consciousness.  
My mistake for allowing you to allow me into your life.

And then you wrapped your arms around me.  
And that pain… that sweet pain.  
That bitter joy, that warm chill down my spine.  
How could you do that to me?  
How could you make me depend on you the way I have, yet torment me with knowledge that you love me? Those eyes of yours stare at me with such warmth, but after that split-second warm joy, I go cold, thinking that one day, I might have to watch the light go out of your eyes while your blood cover my hands. Those arms of yours hold me tightly now might go limp in my own hands one day. That sweet voice of yours speaks those words that gave temporary meaning to my existence, but one day, they might be begging me to stop draining you.

I can't.  
I can't do this to you.  
No matter how much I'm losing sleep, how the nightmares have returned ten-fold, how they're bloodier than ever, how the pain of the transformation is practically killing me. No matter how much I need you to ease that pain. No matter how I realise how much I need you. I can't.

"You've been coming home later than usual. You didn't come home for two weeks the other time. You changed your locks, now I can't get in. Tell me, Zero. Did I do anything wrong? Tell me, I won't do it again, I promise."

I shuddered. Those words… and in that tone so heart-rending.  
Please, don't.  
I'm the one in the wrong, not you.  
I'm the guilty one.  
"Let go," I finally uttered. Let go of me so that you can love someone else. Let go of me so that you can live well. You looked up at me, holding my face in your hands. I averted my eyes, savouring the warmth of your fingertips at the same time. Please, don't let me go.

"If you really wanted to kick me out of your life, you would've moved out, not played this cat and mouse game with me. If you truly wanted to avoid me, you could've just used me and dumped me, or pick up some girl to come home with you, or just told me straight. The reason why you're still coming back home is because deep down, you still want me near. I promised to take care of you, I promised to heal you! I don't want anything from you, I just want…"

I cut her off. I'm afraid if she continues talking, she'll paint even more vivid pictures in my head of something beyond my reach.  
"No." No, we shouldn't.  
No, I don't want this.  
No, I don't need this.  
No, I don't need you.  
I cupped her chin in my hand, and steeled myself to say a few words.  
"Why should I bother myself moving out over nothing? What? You think I only pick up girls at the bar? I don't have to. They come themselves. Anywhere, anytime. I've slept around and many girls have slept next to me. So don't go thinking you're special just because I allowed you in. It's girls like you that I don't like. Show them a little and they want more, they think they're more than what they are. It's annoying. Please don't go there," I hissed  
I'm rambling, I know. But I've tried everything to get her to stop loving me, tried everything to stop myself from loving her. I'm desperate, desperate to stop the girl I long for from loving me in return.

Your hurt eyes turned defiant. I pulled away. You caught my sleeve and uttered words that almost broke my resolve. I stopped in my steps.  
My mind is saying, "I'm sorry, I can't permit you to turn around to her."  
My body is saying, "I'm sorry, I'm too petrified to move right now."  
My heart is saying, "I'm sorry that I allowed you to need her."  
Everything is failing me. I don't even know what the bloody fuck love is, how could my heart know.  
This was getting out of hand.

"I just want to be with you." I felt myself crumble at your words, as your fingers slowly loosened. I maintained, rooted to the spot. Such simple words, holding so much promise, holding everything I wanted, holding everything I cannot have.  
"I'll be here," you whispered. You closed your door. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. I turned to look at her closed door, the heaviness in my chest increasing exponentially.

How could I tell you these things that I myself can't explain in words?  
How can I explain my condition to you, when I myself am still taking my time in coming to terms with it?  
How would you accept me like this, when I myself can't accept this condition of mine?  
I can't continue deluding myself the way I did that night, when I almost kissed you. If I had, it would have been more difficult than it already is.  
Because now, every time I think of you, which is all the time, I can't help but think of Clara and Haru.

* * *

It was that night when I walked out on you that I met them. My encounter with them lasted less than 5 hours, but it reminded me how it would be like to lose everything again.  
I had been walking the streets in the pouring rain, trying to make sense of these feelings I didn't recognise. And then, there it was… the scent of blood. And there was Haru, slumped in the alleyway. Vampire, a level D or E, or somewhere in between. He turned to me and saw the gun in my hand. And ran.

I gave chase, but this chase felt different. It felt as if he was not trying to lose me, instead trying to lead me somewhere. Every time he turned a corner, he looked back and slowed down, as if to make sure I was still on him. And he didn't run aimlessly either, he had a destination. And sure enough, that destination was a small house. And inside the house, the stench of blood was overwhelming.

The chase ended at the bedroom, where I found him cradling a woman. A dead, bled dry woman.  
"Kill me." Haru said.  
His response was… highly unusual but familiar, as if I know it.  
As if I've felt it before.  
"Why?"  
"Hurry! Before I lose it again!" His body was starting to tremble. But I could identify the tone of his voice; it sounds like mine. Exactly like mine.  
"You're not on the list, Haru Ryozaki."  
He closed his eyes, "It will be. I killed my wife." He held Clara tightly.  
"Kill me, please."  
The association had been keeping tabs on him, a Level D living with his human wife, it was a recipe for disaster and we were just waiting in the shadows. Who knew that his first victim would be his beloved wife.  
"Have you lost everything before, hunter?"  
I didn't answer him, his story was too familiar and I couldn't trust myself to say the words right.  
"Have you ever loved?"  
"I don't know what that is."  
"Her love was the one thing that kept me sane. Love is warm, kind and unselfish. Love is always there, unrelenting, through everything. Love is protective and fierce, stubborn and unwilling to let go."  
I kept quiet, trembling inside. But his words all pointed to you, Yuki.  
You're love.

"And I took her life. With my own hands," he held up his blood-covered hands. His voice was cracking as he held his wife's dead body.  
"She died in my arms… here. She loved me and I took everything from her. I don't deserve to live. Kill me."  
"You could have run away. Most do."  
"I don't want to live. So kill me."  
"Why don't you want to live?"  
"There's no point in running and living like an animal. I lost it for the first time tonight, and now… I've lost everything. There's nothing to live for so just fucking kill me!" he screamed at me.  
And in my mind, all I could picture was me in Haru's position, holding you in my arms and begging to die.

Haru saw it in my eyes.  
"Hunter-san, love that girl of yours. Love her well."  
"You've never heard of me, have you?"  
"Hunters are hunters; just kill me and get it over with please." He kissed Clara's forehead gently then put his forehead to the barrel of my gun.  
"I'll join you now, Clara. Please forgive me," he whispered, clutching his wife's hand.  
I knew what had to be done, and I knew that if I were him, I would have shot myself there and then already. So I did the merciful thing and pulled the trigger.  
Because I knew how it was like to watch everything in your life disappear, then live with the aftermath.  
Death seems a better option.

* * *

His cruel words pierced through me, making me want to shut my ears and think back to the voice I thought I heard while tipsy, telling me I was beautiful.  
His emotionless face made me want to close my eyes and think back of the face that had looked almost warm that night.  
And his lies, made me want to scream at him for speaking them, made me want to hold him tight, reassuring him that he will never need to lie to me nor lie to himself ever again.

"I just want to be with you,"; "I'll be here".  
Kuran Yuki,  
These words were meant to be lies as well, how come you're feeling the accompanying bitterness of longing for him.  
_This will end painfully for you, Yuki.  
Quit now, what's the worst that can happen?_  
I won't be able to be near him again, I won't be able to touch him again, I won't be able to keep my promise of being here for him.  
And I couldn't bear that thought.  
He's had so much taken away from him, how could I do that to him again.  
_He might not want you there anyway, his words of casual women aren't lies._  
No, he's lying. If I was just casual, he had so many nights' worth of opportunities and he didn't do a thing. He's better than that. He's lying.  
_Men lie. And that's what he is. He's merely a man, not even a perfect one at that. You're more than human, and a Pureblood to boot. He's nothing, he's broken, he's unworthy.  
_He's flawed, yes. But I love him nonetheless.  
_Why?_

I don't know. How could I love a man so completely different from me, how could I love a man so tainted and broken, so harsh and cruel, yet so warm.  
How can I love someone whom I can never be with.

* * *

My encounter with her had left me weary, in a way that is alien to me. This weariness isn't from the hunger, isn't from the sleep loss, isn't from the overwork. I don't know why, but thinking of her left me mentally exhausted… and something else I don't know how to describe, besides the fact that it left me shivering… and longing.

I couldn't identify the longing. Is it lust?  
I'm not sure. Lust, I could satisfy with any woman. But for some reason, I didn't want just any woman. I pushed the niggling conclusion to the back of my mind. No point bringing it up when I'm on the job.  
I leaned against the wall, nonchalant.  
There he was, about to go in for the kill. And that girl doesn't even know it, that the man she's holding isn't human. Reminds me much of her; brunette, brown-eyed and blindly ignorant. I walked towards them. He never saw me coming as I knifed him with my switchblade just enough to weaken him and pulled him off her when he staggered. "Sorry about my friend, he's had too much to drink," I told that bewildered girl. I pulled him through to the toilets, he struggled, cursing at me.

He glared defiantly at me, clutching his side where I had wounded him.  
"Kill me, I dare you to. I'm a class C, she was willing, I haven't broken the law."  
"The previous one wasn't." And I pulled the trigger.

_She was willing. _  
Those words, struck me.  
Yuki, would you be willing to stay with me, throughout all this bullshit.  
The idea itself scares me.  
I wished you would be willing, but I knew the nightmare that would ensue if you did.

I'm done for the day and I should leave now.  
I came out, and was promptly accosted by the girl that pile of dust had been dancing with.  
"Where's he?"  
"He's not feeling well. He's left."  
"That's not good enough."  
I walked away, enough bullshit for the day.  
"But you are," she said as she pulled me to her, laying on the moves.  
Kaito would have called this killing two birds with one stone – get the job done, and getting another job on.  
Usually I'd give him the universal salute and proceed to do the exact opposite of whatever he would do.  
But this time, I agreed. Killing two birds with one stone – get the job done, and getting over with.

I watched Yuki from the corner of my eye. I knew she was looking.  
I watched her tense as this girl wrapped her arms around my neck.  
I saw her bite her lip, this pained expression across her face, as this girl pulled my head down.  
And I saw her look away, blinking back tears as this girl kissed me.  
Get over me, Yuki. Over and done with.

Her lips on mine, her arms around me, her hands in my hair.  
I wished those lips, those arms, those hands were yours, Yuki.  
Then I felt myself being dragged away, and Kaito saying, "He'll be all yours in a few minutes, babe."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he hissed as he threw me onto the bar stool.  
Even Carl came over, putting down two drinks in front of us. On the house, I'm assuming.  
I drank in silence.  
"What are you trying to play at, Kiryuu? If you're gonna do it, do it properly. It's pathetic." Kaito berated me. "Look at me, Kiryuu. You're not even convincing. How're you going to convince your precious neighbour that you're a manwhore?" I glared at him, ready to ruin his face.  
"She's not here, she went to the store," Carl informed us.  
"Do you think we're blind, Kiryuu? You fucking asshole. You've been behaving less fucked-up lately thanks to her, do you think Chairman and I not know why. Hell, Carl knows. So why are you fucking yourself up now?" Kaito wasn't backing down.  
That's it. I stood up. Carl pushed me back down.  
"Listen Kiryuu. She's a great girl, and she obviously has something towards you. And you obviously have something towards her. Don't do this to yourself."  
"So? My life's fucked up as it is, makes no difference." I got up to leave, back home. My grand plan seemed ridiculously juvenile now.  
Kaito grabbed me by the collar.  
"You're much stronger than this. You could've pushed me away when I dragged you away from hottie over there but you didn't. You didn't want her badly enough. I've never seen you pull this kind of stunt before; you must be pretty damn scared of her if you're so desperate to get it on with some ho. If you're gonna screw Yuki over, you have to put more effort into it. You have to believe it. But once you choose to do this, she'll never forgive you. "  
That strengthened my resolve.  
Good.  
Don't ever forgive me, Yuki. Don't.

* * *

Her fingers are tangled in his hair. The hair I stroke as he lays down to sleep.  
She's kissing his lips. Those lips I almost kissed; those lips that kissed my forehead.  
This unfamiliar… pain spread through me.  
I'm a princess. I've never been betrayed. He's not mine, I tried telling myself, so it can't be considered a betrayal. But if this isn't the feeling of betrayal, it's got to be pretty damn close.  
I tried to blink back the hot tears forming.  
My breath came out in gasps, as this lump in my throat makes it so hard to breathe.  
I can't watch. But I need to look at him.

Maria dragged me to the store room.  
"He's not worth it."  
I let the tears roll, "It's not that. It's nothing, Maria."  
She pulled me to her, as I leaned on her shoulder. She's a new girl I barely know, but I just need a shoulder to cry on right now.  
I give up, Uncle Rido. Take me out. Take me home to Kaname. Kaname would never hurt me.  
But then again, I don't think I'll ever love Kaname, the way I love Zero.  
"I'm fine," I sniffed, managing a smile at Maria. "Thank you."

I came out, only to find him and that bombshell making out in the middle of the dance floor, oblivious to everyone else.  
I started shivering.  
All I could see were his arms around her, hands roving down her curves, the fact that he didn't even need to breathe while kissing her.  
"HEY MISS!" someone yelled at me. Startled, I swung around, crashing the row of glasses behind.  
My brain couldn't even comprehend what my body just did. All that it saw was that he threw one last glance at the commotion I had caused and led the girl out of the bar.  
Carl came over, "Go home, Yuki. It's okay. We'll clear up."  
"No, I'm fine."

I can't go home to noises of love-making coming from his room.  
"Come with me then," Maria offered me.  
"No. I'm fine," I smiled to her.  
The one skill I've learnt as a princess is that no matter how shit your day is, a smile is your best weapon and shield.  
It works against your enemies, aggravating them that they haven't upset you.  
It works for you, protecting you from thinking about it too much and being even more upset.  
So I continued working, even though I keep seeing Zero's face everywhere.

* * *

I took the girl out.  
"Your place or mine?" she asked, already hailing a cab.  
"Yours." Standard MO.  
She pulled me into the cab, telling the driver her address.  
I wasn't listening, I wasn't even looking.

Because in my head, all I could hear was silence. When I saw how Yuki looked at me, everything else fell away. All I could see was that expression, her lips pursed in a line, her sad eyes as she bowed her head, looking away. All I could hear was that deafening silence of her sadness, as this girl whose name I didn't catch was all over me, available and willing. And she's still at it, kissing me.

She held my face and told me pointedly.  
"Look here pretty boy, I'm not forcing you to be here but if you're gonna stay, you'd better be focused," she was sobering up, noticing that my focus wasn't on her.  
She straddled me, continuing to kiss me.  
"Forget everything else tonight. You look like you need some cheering up. And I've heard I'm good entertainment."  
She ran her fingers under my shirt, using her other hand to undo the buttons.  
"You're far too cute to be unhappy. Whatever it is, just for tonight, you can let go."  
Let go.  
That's right, I'm doing this to let go, let go of all the fantasies that didn't used to exist, let go of all the dreams that I never even dreamt of having, let go and go back to a time when I didn't know how it would feel to have Yuki in my life.  
And before Yuki, a random fuck once in a while was normal.

"My place is nearer."

* * *

A/N

I tried to describe Yuki's feelings as vividly as I could, having felt it myself before. But happier times are ahead for Zero and Yuki, so readers stay tuned!


	19. Chapter 19 Brother

_How did you manage to sink this low, Zero?  
_I can't remember. I honestly can't.  
_Fix it.  
_I can't. I don't know how.  
_Why is it so easy for others to love? And so terribly difficult for you?  
_I don't love her.  
_Then why is this bothering you?_

I looked to my left, and I could feel my heart sink.  
Brown locks spread across my pillow; belonging to some girl I don't know.  
_They're not yours, Yuki._  
I closed my eyes, feeling the emptiness sink me further. It would be a lie to tell myself that it didn't bother me.  
Are you alright now, Yuki?  
Did I hurt you too much?  
Did I hurt you too little?  
Don't worry, you'll stop hurting soon.  
All you have to do is keep me out of your mind, out of your heart, out of your life.  
I'll help. I promise.

I pulled myself out of bed, and pulled on my clothes.  
I can't be here for another second. I'll go mad.  
But there you were outside my door.

* * *

"You like him, don't you," Maria had asked me.  
I just smiled.  
Yes.

"Is he worth it?"  
I just smiled.  
Yes.

"But he's not much."  
I just smiled.  
You're wrong.  
He's so much, so much more.  
I shook my head.

"Even after tonight, you're going to go back to him?"  
"No. We don't belong to each other. I'm merely going back to my apartment."  
Maria sighed. "Stupid girl, getting hurt," she smiled lightly as she wiped a tearstain off my cheek.  
Sure, I admit I had bawled my eyes out in the cubicle. But my head is clear now.  
He never said he loved me, never staked his claim over me. And neither had I.  
There were those times I had deluded myself into believing that he needed me, but in retrospect, he just needed someone, anyone.

We're free individuals, not bound to each other in any way.  
I have no right over his bed, no matter how many times I've slept on it.  
I have no right over his body, no matter how many times I've held it.  
I have no right over his heart, no matter how many times I've heard it.

"I loved once," Maria told me.  
I turned to her.  
"How does it feel?"  
She gave a wistful smile.  
"It's beautiful. The rest of the world doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people think or say, because in your world, there's only him and you. Because come what may, he'll always be there for you. When the world outside is falling apart, his arms are the one place safe. His smile is all you need to feel better. His arms are your sole protection and it feels sufficient. His voice is all the warmth you need in this cold world."

Have I ever felt that way? For some reason, never have I felt that way with Kaname. Everything about our relationship was politicized. Even when I had been alone with him, it had felt as if I was in a room full of people watching my every move. But with Zero, holding him melts the rest of the world away. Being in his room felt like being in a universe that only consisted of both of us. Just being next to him feels as if everything is complete.

"I'd like that."  
Maria smiled at me and continued.  
"I lost him."  
I fell silent; I could imagine the pain.

"He was the one person who saw me as me. The one person who knew me more than I knew myself. The one person who would never lie to me. And being with him was heaven. He was tall, dark and handsome, strong and brave. Perfect in every way. But circumstances didn't allow it. And he had to leave."  
Maria sighed deeply, sadness in her eyes.  
"But life goes on," she ended her story and gave me a wane smile.

We sat together in silence, sipping sake till daybreak.

* * *

And as I came face to face with you that morning, I felt myself freeze.  
"How was your night?" I asked, handing you the scarf I had found on my way up the stairs. I recognized that it belongs to last night's girl.  
You picked up the bra that had been dropped in front of your door and threw it into the apartment.  
"Good." Then you stalked down the stairs.

I exhaled the breath I had been holding. It hurts. So, so much. But I have no right to say a word.

Then, I heard footsteps from behind me.  
You picked me up and slammed me against my door.  
"Where have you been?" you demanded to know.  
Is this your way of showing concern?  
"In the park," I managed to stammer, afraid of your blazing eyes.  
"Which park?" you demanded harshly.  
"The one with the lake. I was with Maria."  
I'm scared of this look in your eyes Zero.  
Why are you angry?  
Why are your eyes… almost the same expression that I glimpse when you just wake up from your nightmare?  
Why do I see… fear?

"Did anything happen to you?" you were practically shaking me.  
"No! I'm fine Zero. What's wrong with you?" I held your hands.  
Your hands were cold and shivering.  
Your face was deathly pale.  
Your voice unnerving.  
You stared at me for a moment, before practically flying down the stairs.

* * *

It took a while for my brain to make the connection.  
I didn't make half the stairs when it did.  
This scent. It's not Yuki's.  
_It's hers._

I doubled back and caught Yuki.  
"Where have you been?" Please tell me you've been safe.  
"In the park," you stammered, panic in your voice.  
"Which park?"  
"The one with the lake. I was with Maria."  
"Did anything happen to you?" Please say no. Please just say it. I felt my heart about to burst, afraid that history was repeating itself right in front of my eyes again.  
"No! I'm fine Zero. What's wrong with you?"  
You grabbed hold of my hands.  
There and then, I wanted to pull you to me, to thank God you were fine.  
There and then, I wanted to pull you to me, because I'm scared of these images I'm seeing in my head.  
There and then, I wanted to pull you to me, just to feel the safe warmth of your arms one last time.

I want to hold you tight one last time, because I don't know what might happen next.  
I want to hear your reassuring voice one last time, because I may never get to hear it again.  
I want to hear all your promises, even though I won't let you keep them, just because… I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry. I'm wanting too much from you.  
I looked at you one last time, imprinting your image in my head.  
When I die later, I want to keep seeing your face, even if it's just in my head.

I have to do this quickly, before I change my mind.  
So I practically flew down the stairs, afraid that I might be unwilling to let you go if I stayed any longer.

A million thoughts ran through my mind as I traced the scent.  
I wondered how that woman would look like now, after so many years.  
I wondered if she would remember the face of the boy whose life she snatched away.  
I wondered if I could take my revenge well enough, if it would make my parents proud of their vampire son.  
I wondered if I would live through this to run this path, back home to Yuki again.

* * *

"Come to kill me, have you."  
I pointed the gun at her.  
Once I had identified that scent, it wasn't difficult to trace.  
It's a scent I'll never forget.

She's the cause of my pain, my hell.  
She's the cause of me being so emotionally crippled, so haunted and so alone.  
Shizuka Hiou.  
I will destroy you, even if it's the last thing I'll do.

Yet, my fingers were heavy.  
"Can't pull the trigger?" she smirked.  
I tried to tighten my fingers, to bring control back over my own body.  
The last time I lost control over my body, I lost control over my entire life.  
"How could you think of destroying me, Zero. I'm hurt. We're bound by blood."  
She draws closer to me.

And images started flashing again.  
Only this time I wasn't viewing it from my eyes.  
I'm watching from Shizuka's eyes, as my parents' blood tainted her hands.  
I'm watching myself, with so much fear in my eyes. I should have ran, instead I just stood there, dazed that my world was crumbling apart.  
Run, you foolish boy, run.

And I'm feeling the rush of my own blood as Shizuka took me in her arms that stormy night.  
I could see my own dazed eyes staring, reflecting the shock and horror, the confusion and helplessness.  
I could feel my own body going limp, cold and rigid.  
I died that night.  
And was reborn as a vampire, which was as good as being dead to me.

Right now, I'm that foolish boy again. I should run, leave, but I didn't, I couldn't.  
She drew closer to me.  
"Can you see what I saw? I added another servant that night," she smirked.  
I was physically unable to move. She had imposed invisible chains on me, on my body, on my mind.  
"I'm your master, Zero. You can never forget that."  
She dragged a finger down the length of my neck. I tried to suppress that involuntary shudder.  
I grit my teeth, trying to break her hold on me, trying to fight back, failing miserably.

"What are you doing?"

_Yuki._  
No, what are you doing here.  
"Go! Leave now Yuki!"  
"But, why? Let her stay."  
Shizuka turned her attention to Yuki instead.  
"Maria? What's going on?"  
The door slammed behind Yuki, trapping her in this hellhole with the she-devil and its spawn: me.  
"Leave. Now Yuki!" I managed to yell at her.  
"No, don't leave. You should watch this."  
Yuki was scared now, I could see it in her eyes, fear that I've never seen before.  
She rushed towards me.  
"No! Don't come any nearer! Leave, please Yuki!"  
"Zero, what's going on?"

"You know, don't you, Zero. You know she likes you."  
This malice in Shizuka's voice. She's going to drag Yuki into the middle of this.  
"This is between you and me, keep her out of it."  
"Defensive, are we?" her smile spread wider. She drew closer.  
"Get behind me, Yuki. Now." She obeyed me, for once.  
"Ah, you're being protective. We've seen how that worked out for your parents."

I snapped.  
I lunged forward only to be thrown back by her force. She kept me to the floor, unable to get up.  
"You want to protect her, don't you? You want to protect her so badly. But you'll fail, just as you did back then."  
"Leave her out of this." I tried to push myself up only to have Shizuka slam me down again.  
"I wanted to protect him too, but nobody let me. I want you to feel my pain, of losing everything."  
"NO!"

She's drawing closer to Yuki, who's petrified, who doesn't know what's going on.  
I'm pinned to the ground by the sheer fact that Shizuka is the Pureblood who created me.  
Shizuka is running her hand across Yuki's face.  
"Don't touch her!" I struggled harder against these invisible bonds.  
I've lost everything before. I can't go through that again.  
I can't watch everything slip through my fingers again.  
I can't live through another nightmare again.  
I can't watch another person I love dying because of me again.

I propelled myself towards her, pushing Yuki out of the way.  
Shizuka threw me back more strongly.  
I hit the wall hard, right next to where I had thrown Yuki.  
I could taste blood on my lips. As long as it's my own blood I taste, it's all good.  
I could see Shizuka aiming the next blow at Yuki.

Yuki's fragile. Her body wouldn't be able to take it.  
I threw myself in front of her, holding her, as blows pummeled me to my knees.

Blow after blow, each heavier than the last rained down on my back.  
I'm holding Yuki to protect her, but soon I was just holding her to support myself from collapsing.  
I can take these hits. I can take all of them. As long as she's safe, I can do anything.  
I can do anything except die before Shizuka does, because then who'll protect Yuki?

Her mental hold on me is creeping back. I could see those images again. Repeating themselves like a broken tape player. Blood stained visions clouded my mind. She's painting images in my head again. Of my mother, my father, my brother. How they met their end at her hands. How I just watched.  
My fingers tightened around Yuki. I won't let the same happen to you. I promise.  
But as she rained blows on me, I was unable to be strong both mentally and physically at the same time.  
Because these bloody pictures are worse than my own memories. They're Shizuka's memories. And I could feel how she felt that time; the satisfaction, the pleasure. I was crumbling already.

"Yuki, go towards the door. I'll cover you."  
"No. I'm staying," she gripped the front of my shirt tighter.  
"Please just leave. I'm begging you. Listen to me for once."  
Shizuka drew nearer, her eyes narrowing. "How touching. I'm getting bored," she drawled.  
Again, I was thrown to the opposite end of the room without her even touching me.  
I could taste blood in my mouth. I couldn't get up. Pain seared throughout my body as if I was on fire. She's messing with me again. Messing with my nerve endings, torture without touch, agony without laying a finger on me.

"She's so precious to you, isn't she?" Shizuka gave a sly smile.  
"Don't touch her!" I was slammed hard against the wall again.  
"Don't hurt him!" Yuki screamed. She rushed towards me and stood between us.  
I could see Shizuka looking taken aback. Yuki, you brave stupid girl.  
I took my opportunity that she had let go of her grip over me for that split second.  
I pointed my gun in her direction and shot once.

* * *

I could see her attention turning to me. And before I could react, you were already in front of me, holding me.  
You're holding me, tightly, protectively. And I could feel your body shudder with each blow, feel your breathing hitch in pain with each blow, feel your fists clenching and unclenching with each blow.  
Oh baby, I'm not worth your suffering.  
You were leaning on me, using your body as a shield for me, even though you're so weak already.  
"Yuki, go towards the door. I'll cover you." Your words came out so weakly, I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave you. I gripped you tighter, afraid that you'll force me to leave you. "No. I'm staying." You gave a sigh.  
Shizuka drew nearer and suddenly you were flung to the other side of the room.  
She's a Pureblood, like me. And if I'm guessing correctly, she's the one who destroyed you, made you the man you are. And she is going to destroy you for good.  
_Oh, Yuki! How could you have been so stupid not to realize?_  
If I could release my power, I'll be able to protect you.  
Problem is, I didn't know how to undo the spell Rido had cast over me.

"She's precious to you, isn't she?" she sneered at you.  
Shizuka touched my face. Immediately, she knew.  
She knew what I was.  
"Don't touch her!" You tried to lunge forward but she slammed you against the wall again.  
"Don't hurt him!" I ran to you and stood between the both of you.  
No matter what, I'm a Pureblood too.  
Technically, she wouldn't be able to kill me so easily.  
I'll be your shield. I'll protect you.  
Then you fired a shot.

Only Shizuka managed to twist the direction of your arm and you hit your own leg instead.  
I could see the bloodstain spreading, your face getting paler.  
Your gunshot stunned Shizuka. She hadn't expected you to overcome your chains to her.  
You reached in front and held Shizuka's neck, aiming the gun at her heart and fired twice.  
She staggered backwards, clearly weakened but it was too soon to tell.

"I'll finish everything. I've lived so long just for this day. I'll finish everything now."

* * *

Today's the day. The day I die. The day we die together.  
I've never given much deeper thought into the matter, simply stating it as a fact, that I'll kill her or die trying. I've never thought about the aftermath. Never thought I would live past this day. Never thought I would need nor want to live past this day.  
My mind was completely blank save for one last thought.

Can I die in your arms, Yuki?  
I can't think of a better way for a person like me to die. If I could die, being held by you, I don't think it would feel like dying. If I could die, being held by you, it would be the sweetest ending. But I don't want to taint your memories, don't want to cover your hands with my blood.  
And then, this pain erupted throughout my body.

Blood trickled down my arm, a blade straight through it.  
I hadn't realized that there was someone else here. Had my powers weakened that much already? The figure behind the shadows leapt in front of me.

Ichiru.


	20. Chapter 20 Thank You

"It'll be troublesome for you to die now, master." Master? Ichiru, not you too.  
I'll fucking kill that bitch.

But that bitch was leaving already. And Ichiru was holding me back from going after her.  
"Ichiru…"  
"We haven't met for so long, have you nothing to say to me?" But I don't smell the vampire scent from Ichiru.  
He noticed my confusion. "Don't worry nii-san, I'm not a vampire." He was sneering at me.  
My realization sank in. My memories from that night which I wanted to erase, the one concerning Ichiru came up. The final memory I had of his voice, the words it uttered which I could not bring myself to believe.  
"What? Would it have been better if I had died that night as well? Is that what you'd rather happen?" Ichiru smirked at me.

How have you been these years? Following her around wouldn't have done you any good, would it. I miss you. I dream about you. Were you alright? Were you alright without me? Thoughts I didn't say out loud.

"Have you suffered as much as me? Having your life twisted like this? Like when I lived with you and mum and dad. They were meaningless while you… You… became someone I hated." Ichiru continued.  
I'm sorry, Ichiru. I know why. I've heard the meetings in the living room, how they speak of you. I'm sorry. I never meant for that. I'm glad you feel better now. I'm glad you lived well.

But I'll never forgive her. So don't try to stop me.  
You said you were in pain those years living together.  
Do you know of my pain living all these years?  
You'll never know; you'll never know the hell I went through, you'll never know how many times I've been to that hell.  
And that hell is terrifying.

"Move." I tried to push past you.  
Ichiru moved the blade to my throat.  
"No."  
I ignored him and moved towards the door Shizuka left through.  
"No!" I blocked Ichiru's sword with my own dagger.  
"She gave me a new life. Don't you care enough for your own brother to let him have this?"  
She ruined my life, ruined our family. Don't you care enough to let me at her?  
Ichiru noticed, those words I can't bring myself to speak.  
"Oniisan, why are you looking at me with those eyes of yours?" he sneered.

But Ichiru, his eyes betrayed him. Somewhere in them, I could still see that little brother of mine. Somewhere in them, I could still see the Ichiru who slept with me at night, who greeted me cheerfully whenever I came back, whom I had to be strong for.  
"Ichiru…"

"Don't mention my name that way. You don't have the right." A sharp pain shot through my arm as he twisted the blade. I collapsed to the ground.  
"It's your fault, you ruined me."  
It's my fault, I ruined him, I ruined everything. My parents, Ichiru, everything is my fault isn't it.

"How could you say that?" Yuki held me. "Do you know how he suffers; do you know how much pain he goes through? All for your family?"  
Ichiru was taken aback. And your hand was so warm, I held it even tighter. These words. Thank you for saying them.  
"How could you say it's his fault? He never wanted anything bad to happen to any one of you."  
"How would you know?"

You placed another hand on my face. Your hand was soft, gentle.  
"You've never watched him sleep. You wouldn't know."  
You woman, how could you mention my nightmares. You promised never to speak of them.  
Ichiru kept quiet for a moment. "It seems he'll always be loved, no matter what creature he is."  
I noted the resentment. Always loved? Me? Looks like we have different definitions of love. Mum and Dad didn't love me as much as they prized me.  
Her grip on my hand tightened. My heart sunk slightly, do you know this too? The fact that I've never experienced love, that the closest thing I've felt to love is probably the feeling you give me?  
"He deserves all the love in the world. So do you."

But halfway, I could sense the shift in the air.  
It was bloodier, literally. I could taste Shizuka's blood in the air. Smell it even more strongly. She's dead, or very close to death. Ichiru sensed it too, rushing out the door Shizuka had left by.

I pushed myself up, only to be held back by you. "Don't go." Your voice was so earnest, your eyes brimming with tears, as you held my arm. "Just stay here, please." I reached out a hand to your face, wanting to wipe those tears away. Why are you crying? Why should you be crying for me? But I hesitated, right when my fingers brushed your skin. Because I knew I wanted more than to merely dry your tears.

You noticed my hesitation. "Don't leave, okay." You took my outstretched hand and cupped your face with it. "She's already almost dead now, just let her go. Don't go after her anymore. Your nightmare, it's over. Don't go chasing it again," you pleaded.  
You still didn't know, did you? You still didn't know that this nightmare will never be over. This nightmare is permanently a part of me. Shizuka's death was merely vengeance, not a cure.  
"Let me go. Go home, Yuki." I smiled to you, the first time I've smiled for a long time. "Thank you for looking after me. Thank you so much. Thank you for being so good to me."  
You closed your eyes, your lips trembling holding back even more tears. "Don't cry." I propped myself up and wiped those tears away. "Come home with me. Let's go home together now."

Your words, spoken so sincerely, hit me hard. I never regarded that apartment as a home, until you came along. I never regarded myself as human, until you came along, unearthing all these hidden feelings I've buried away. I never regarded myself as someone who deserved anything, until you came and treated me the way you did. Thank you. Thank you so much. For all this faith you have in me, for all this trust you have in me, for all these feelings you've invested in me. I know I can't accept any of it. But thank you for giving me this chance. Thank you for making me feel human. Thank you for everything.

* * *

It scared me. The way you spoke.

As if you would never return again.  
When you told me to let you go, you didn't say 'Let me go for a while'. You said it in a way that made me feel that if I let go of you now, I'll never get to hold you again.  
When you told me to go home, you didn't say 'Wait for me at home'. You said it in a way that made me feel that you would never return home again.  
When you thanked me so sincerely, you didn't say 'Thank you, I'll come back. I promise'. You said it in a way that made me feel like I would never get to see you again.  
You didn't make promises of meeting again, you didn't mention a word of returning, you didn't try to convince me that you'll be fine.

I held your hand to my face. It's so cold. You're so weak, how could you leave. Don't leave me.  
You wiped my tears away. Can you feel me trembling? Can't you tell I'm afraid? Can't you tell I want you to stay here with me?

You got up anyway. With a smile, you told me again. "Go home, Yuki."  
You had that smile that looked almost happy. Almost like a last smile.  
I held you again tightly. You were ready to leave, standing up so tall. But I had wrapped my arms around you. A hug, if you might. A last hug, just in case. I knew you would never do what I wanted. I knew your desire for revenge is too strong. But I still needed some form of reassurance. Since she's weakened so much, you should be fine facing her, right? You'll come back alive, right? You'll come for me, right?  
"You'll come back, promise me." I told him, burying my face into his shirt. You didn't say a word. You just pulled me from you and looked at me in the eyes silently. Your eyes were honest, you wouldn't promise me anything you weren't a 100% sure of. Your eyes were pained as you closed them. I was still holding you, but I hadn't realized that your arms were around me as well. Your head drew closer.

Kiss me. One time. Just once. A first kiss. A last kiss.  
I closed my eyes.

You pressed your forehead to mine.  
"Thank you. For everything. Truly," you spoke quietly.  
Can you feel my fingers trembling?  
Can you hear my heart racing?

I felt your lips on my forehead.  
Just the lightest kiss, just the smallest one. But that already spoke volumes to me.  
I released my fingers, and felt you slip away.


	21. Chapter 21 Crazy

**A/N**  
Haven't had an author's note for a while. Missed me? Anyway, I didn't want to interrupt your reading pleasure but the POVs might get SLIGHTLY confusing here as it switches back and forth. It's gonna be separated by the lines as I switch between the POVs. Just a heads up, it's Yuki, Zero, Yuki, Zero, Kaito, Zero Yuki. You'll know who's who as you read it. And can someone explain what is this image manager thing? Thanks and enjoy =)

_Aingealis_

* * *

I fell to the floor once you left. My hands were shivering. My head was spinning. The fear had finally gotten to me.

What am I to do? How am I supposed to handle this situation? There were 2 people I could call, assuming my 2 different personas. If I were the Kuran princess, that would be Rido.  
But right now, I'm not only acting as your girl, I have truly become your woman. I called Chairman.

What if you never come back? What would happen then? How am I supposed to go on?  
It was eerily silent. If you and Shizuka started fighting again, it wouldn't be this quiet, right?  
I peered out the door. The corridor was dimly lit and I couldn't tell which direction you had taken. It was then when I heard something tumble and footsteps echoing down the corridor. I followed the sounds as they were getting fainter. He was going in the other direction. Is that you, Zero? Where are you going? Your footsteps were getting quicker. I gave chase. It's one of those rare moments when I wished I had my vampire senses back.

I ran down that corridor and saw a figure lying on the floor. Shizuka? Is she dead? I could still hear your footsteps. Where are you going to then, Zero? I stopped in my tracks.  
Should I approach? Should I wait? Those footsteps had disappeared by now. I couldn't tell where you've gone.  
What should I do now?

Apprehensively, I approached the figure.  
I remembered Shizuka – or Maria, as I knew her then – telling me her story. Of a man she loved. I pitied her then. But seeing her hurt Zero; all I felt was anger, no matter how much sorrow I knew she went through, no matter how much I felt for her. But now that she's lying there on the floor, my anger dissipated.

Maria, have you met him now? The man you loved so much? I hope you do; then you wouldn't be so lonely. I know how terribly lonely the life of a Pureblood is. And it's only recently that I discovered how good our lives can be. I'm sorry that they took him away from you. I hope you're happy now. I hope you stop terrorizing Zero's dreams now. Yes, I'm sorry for your sad love story, but Zero is my priority. He is what that man was to you.  
He is my love.

Apprehensively, I walked towards the figure. I've never seen anyone die before. I've been sheltered too long. But as I drew nearer, I realized that something was wrong. That figure is a man. My pace quickened, just as my heart stopped beating.

Silver hair.  
But it could be Zero's brother.  
Lying motionless.  
But he could just be passed out.  
In a pool of blood.  
I ran.

* * *

I stumbled once I left the room. This wound is hurting more than I thought it would. I tried to move my arm and this sharp pain immediately shot up. I don't care, I have to go. I have to go retrieve Ichiru, Shizuka can burn in hell for all I care. I can't lose Ichiru again.

I followed the scent. I could feel my body getting weaker, but I pushed on anyway. My senses were getting muddled; there were too many scents that I was getting confused. But it can't be. There should only be Shizuka's scent and Ichiru isn't a vampire.

I stopped by an open door. Shizuka was lying motionless on the ground, with Ichiru beside her. And standing over them; Kuran.  
I wasn't personally acquainted with him, but I knew who he was. Fucking Pureblood.

He detected my presence. Our eyes met. He was unreadable, this one. Just as I expected from Pureblood royalty. Ichiru turned to me. His eyes were accusing.  
But I knew better. Shizuka wasn't going to die this quickly from merely 2 shots.  
I did the math. It wasn't my fault.  
Kuran, you bastard.

Because in that split second that I stared into Kuran's eyes, he did what Shizuka did to me. Only this time, its impact is amplified. He's much, much stronger than Shizuka. My body was thrown back, hitting the wall hard.  
The wounds I had already sustained started to bleed more profusely.  
The shrieks in my head grew louder.  
The images in my mind became more vivid.  
Each minute, each second, each moment; replaying again.  
That fear, that pain; rushing through me again.  
Such dirty tricks you Pureblood apply.

Each scene was flashing in my mind, superimposed with reality. I could see my mother dying while hearing Ichiru leave, again. I could hear my dad yelling, while hearing another set of footsteps approaching. I saw everything tinged red, through Shizuka's eyes. I could feel the rush of blood through her veins, as if they were through my own veins. I could feel her thirst sated, just as my own thirst started to burn.  
I could feel myself being taken into her arms again, I knew what was coming.  
I couldn't stop myself anymore, couldn't hold back anymore.  
I let go, let go of everything.

* * *

I took you into my arms. Your eyes were glossy, as if nobody was home. Your body was too still, as if you had stopped breathing. But I could still see the slight rise and fall of your chest. I took you into my arms again. And you lost it completely. Worse than I've ever seen you dream. But, you're not dreaming; you're not asleep. Then, what is this sorcery?

Your eyes reflected horror. Your body trembled uncontrollably. Your voice full of desperation.  
"Kaasan…" you murmured. Oh no. Not again.  
"Don't touch me…" your voice was cracking. No, don't break. Don't break now.  
"Please…" you closed your eyes, biting your lip hard, your body shaking so badly.  
I held you tighter but it got worse with each passing second.  
Your mumblings turned into screams.  
Your shivers turned to an outright spasm.  
You pushed me away, backing into a corner, staring at me with frightened eyes.

You're broken, just as Shizuka said. I knew this before. I just didn't know that you were broken to this extent. I tried to extend my hand. You turned away, cringing, as if you were afraid of my hands.  
"No…. No…" You choked on your own words.  
Only then, did I see how fragile you actually were. Completely battered, completely destroyed from the inside. You knew it yourself, didn't you? That's why you told me to go away. Because you were like broken glass, and I'd get hurt if I come any nearer.

"Zero!" Kaito's voice echoed through the corridor. In my daze, Chairman pulled me up, as Kaito and another man dragged Zero out. I tried to grab his arm, but Kaito ignored me and continued dragging him away. Chairman held me back.  
"Darling, what happened?" I broke out of my daze.  
"Zero, let me follow Zero." I attempted to go after them. Zero needs me. I won't leave him. I promised not to.  
"Later, we're taking him to fix his wounds. Just tell me what happened."  
I didn't care for words or niceties anymore. I just ran after them.

I followed them quietly; knowing that Kaito's serious mode was on and he wouldn't let me anywhere near Zero. I trust Kaito, so I don't mind not touching Zero for now. I saw Kaito giving Zero some of those pills that he took alarmingly frequently. I followed them all the way to the hospital, where Zero was immediately rushed to the emergency ward. The rest of us stayed behind. By then, I had calmed down enough to tell Chairman what had happened.

"Is that all you saw?" he had asked. From his tone, it seemed as if he was expecting more to happen.  
"Yes, that's all," I answered.  
Shizuka hadn't bitten Zero, I didn't see it, nor did I see any bite marks on his neck after that. She thrashed him up, almost killed him, but Zero's still human. That's fine then. But I wasn't supposed to be privy to such information, so I merely stated what I saw and nothing else.  
"You're tired, dear. You should go back now. I'll call you once Zero wakes up."  
"No, I'll stay."  
"I insist. You have to take care of yourself too."  
"I'm fine," I smiled at Chairman, "See, perfectly fine." I started to flex my arms.  
Chairman laughed. "That's good. But I just wanted you to be well enough. We might need you to take care of Zero for a while after he gets out. Just saying."  
Right, I hadn't thought of that. Chairman saw that on my face and repeated, "Go home, Yuki. I'll call you ."

He didn't. Not for the next week. Not for the following week either.  
I had visited the hospital, only to be told that Zero had moved out of it within 2 days of being admitted. I kept calling Chairman, only to have Kaito pick up to tell me that Chairman was extremely busy taking care of Zero, that he had been moved to the organization where they can better attend to Zero's needs. Yagari had come to visit me, to debrief me on vampires. They did not know that I knew all this, that I was a part of that world. But at that time, I was human Yuki, who wasn't supposed to know anything. So I played that part well. I had begged Yagari to let me follow him back to the association, to let me see Zero, at least once.  
He looked at me, almost with a pained expression on his cold face and had said words I didn't understand.  
"It's best if you don't, not ever again."

* * *

I'm in hell.

Feeling as if I'm burning from inside, as if my limbs were being pulled apart, as if someone was pounding my head continuously.  
Each miniscule movement feels as if my body would just rip apart.  
Each breath I take sends bolts of pain throughout my body.  
It's so hot that I feel like I'm burning alive.  
It's so cold that I feel like I'm frozen.  
It's confusing.

I haven't eaten in days, haven't even drank a sip of water. I haven't slept, not even that kind of fitful sleep I'm used to having. Time didn't matter anymore. Each second felt like an hour, each hour an eternity.  
Torture.  
This is how physical torture must feel like.

* * *

Chairman peered through to Zero. I looked away, couldn't even bear to see my best friend in those chains. Sure, he may not even treat me as one, but I knew that somewhere deep down was the boy I used to kick around. Through the years, we had replaced the brothers we both lost. Don't you dare make me lose another brother, you fucking bastard. And I had to do something, anything.

"Can't I just give him blood?" Chairman looked at me and shook his head, "Not when he's like that, he'll kill you. Then kill himself." That made me feel better, the thought that Zero might kill himself over killing me. Makes me feel important, doesn't it. That bastard, if only he hadn't denied himself for so long, he would have had more time.  
That was when the idea hit me.

Blood banks. Human blood, without the body.  
Chairman approved, and we quickly set the plan in motion.

* * *

Blood.

It smells good. It smells revolting. I wondered if I should even consider taking it.  
Kaito had come in carrying those bags. I recognized the logic of it and for one of those rare moments, even considered him intelligent for it.  
But it didn't change the fact that it's human blood.

I've never had that before. Not even once.  
All I had to survive were those damned blood pills. And they worked fine, at first. Years ago, after that incident, I had awakened and the first thing I felt wasn't sadness or anger, it was hunger. Chairman had fed me those blood pills. They worked like magic. That was the first time fourteen year old me thought, "Ah, this is what I am now."  
In two years, they stopped working. By the third year, the hunger and thirst was perpetually there. By the fourth year, I was throwing them up whenever I took them.  
A month after Shizuka's attack, I had been discharged from the hospital. I went for training under the Association. I was extraordinarily fast, brutally strong. That was the second time that the realization that I was a vampire had hit me.  
I was eighteen when I realized that it was human blood that I desired. Kaito had gotten injured and to my horror, it wasn't concern that I felt for my brother, it was hunger. I realized again, that I was a low-level vampire.  
And now, the truth I've been denying is resurfacing again. The moment that blood reaches my tongue, I would realize again, how I was one of them. And isn't it sad that I have to realize it this way, by drinking from a bag, by drinking a stranger's blood.  
What's even stranger is that each time I look at the bag, the only person I can think of is you, Yuki.

Is something wrong with me?  
I must be crazy, but the first person whose blood I want to taste is you. Sorry. Truly, I'm sorry.  
I shouldn't have such brazen thoughts and beggars shouldn't be choosers. But I didn't want to simply drink randomly like this. Isn't it crazy? A man like me wanting his first time to mean something. Even if it's my first time doing something abominable, is it wrong to still want to do it right? What started out as thinking of your blood gradually went out of hand.

I began to think of you.  
I thought of you each time I was trying hard to fall asleep, trying to recall the feeling of having you in the same bed as me.  
I thought of you each time the pain ripped through me, remembering your protective arms around me.  
I thought of you each time I need to drink, thinking how wonderful it would be to drink from you, and how wrong it would be.  
I thought of you each and every time, all the time.  
Yeah, I was surely going crazy.

But thinking of you, or having something to focus my thoughts on, cleared my head of everything else.  
That's how I'm still sane, even through the hunger. That's why I'm not tearing at the blood bag in front of me. That's how I took control of the pain, tamped it down to a barely-controllable level.  
I wanted to see you again. One last time, at least to say goodbye, at least to thank you properly for all those nights.  
By thinking of you, my heart started to beat again.

* * *

It was the noises that alerted me. There were only two residents on this floor to begin with anyway. I was one of them, and I had been the only one for the past few weeks. Noises meant that the other resident was back.

I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard them. There was no time to primp because I knew once that door shut, my chance would be gone. I flung the door open, and there you were.  
"You promised to call," I yelled at Chairman as I shoved everyone out of the way to get to you.  
Chairman meekly apologized as he blocked me anyway. "His injuries were very serious. He's still not a hundred percent recovered. He's not strong enough to be back but…"  
To hell with that, I'll make you stronger. I ducked under his arms and grabbed hold of you. I felt you wince and immediately loosened my grip. In my deranged frenzy, I hadn't realized that I had gripped your injured arm.  
"Have you no pride?" you sneered at me.  
What I did next surprised myself.

* * *

**A/N**

Is Zero OOC? If he is, then I hope it's only a little bit because Yuki is slowly changing Zero anyway, so it should be expected.  
Lots of love, Aingealis.


	22. Chapter 22 Blood

A/N: POVs are as follows: Zero - Zero - Yuki - Zero - Yuki - Zero - Chairman

Chairman gave me that look again. That look that I've been wary of each time I woke up. The look that meant I had said too much, even in my sleep. That was one of the reasons why I chose to move out at 16, I didn't want to be judged even in my sleep. I didn't want to be pitied over something I had no control over. But the look in his eyes was different from back then. It makes sense, my dreams are different now. I have other fears now. Worse fears.

I was still chained, a precaution to protect me from myself, holding me back from ripping myself apart.  
"Zero, you can't stay here forever," he started. I know. But, I'm so… afraid.  
There was nothing for me out there, except you.  
Nothing that would make me happy, except you.  
Nothing that would mean everything to me, except you.  
I'm so used to the loneliness that your warmth scared me. I'm so conditioned into thinking that I'm all alone, until you came along. I'm so tired, ready to die, until you took me into your arms and made me feel alive for the first time.

"She knows. I had Yagari tell her about our world. She accepted it well. She'll accept you well too. She'll love you. Why are you doing this to yourself?" Chairman pushed. "You love her, so badly that you dream of her. Why can't you give yourself just that bit of happiness?" I looked up at Chairman. You're so full of ideals, you forget that our world isn't ideal. In an ideal world, I'd be out of here and in her arms in a heartbeat. But this isn't that fairytale, this is reality. Reality is that consequences of each action are more far-reaching than mere temporary bliss.

"Do you know? What I dream of? I dream of holding her, and she's dead in my arms. I can't do that to her," my voice started to crack. Kiryuu, you idiot. You're not allowed to break, not in front of this old fag. Those dreams were so vivid, though. So terrible and such a real possibility that I can't bear to take that risk. I flinched as Chairman pat my head. "Can't you give yourself that chance?" No, I'd rather die a million deaths. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll end up in heaven where I can watch over her and protect her. Maybe I can watch her live happily ever after with someone else, have someone else's children, love someone else. Anyone else, but me.

Chairman was relentless. Every day, he kept pressing the issue. Until one day, he and Kaito hauled me off my back.

* * *

"You bastard!" you hit me hard. "Asshole! Jerk! Terrible, terrible person!" you smacked me with each word, your insults getting increasingly ridiculous. I let you, I deserve it. Kaito and Chairman were just staring at this scene slack jawed. I admit, it must be rather surreal watching the top vampire hunter getting hit by a girl half his size. Your small fists didn't hurt one bit, I was just letting you vent. You eventually ran out of insults, but continued hitting me, albeit with less power than before. You glared at me, those beautiful brown eyes of yours narrowed in anger and worry.

You hit my arm, right where Ichiru had stabbed me. It was the only injury that hadn't healed. The only injury that will probably never heal. You probably saw my grimace as you stopped, then lightly touched it. "Does it hurt a lot?" you asked; all the flames of anger gone from your eyes. You bit your lip in worry. I shoved your hands away, hiding my arm behind my back as I felt the wound bleeding again. "No. I'm fine."

You frowned then hit me lightly. "Meanie." I was about to roll my eyes at you and give a smart ass reply when I realized that Chairman and Kaito were still there. I switched to a non-committal shrug and unlocked my door. "Remember to take your meds and clean your wounds and change your bandages and…" Chairman rambled on. My brain disengaged itself after the first few words. I've missed my bed and was unashamed to reveal it as I plonked down right away. You, on the other hand, hung on to every word Chairman was saying, even noting it down on a random piece of paper you found.

Kaito sat on the floor next to my bed and grabbed my arm. The pain shot like electric. Kaito held up his blood-stained hand to show me.  
"Why didn't you say something."  
"I'm fine. It'll heal by itself. Just give it a couple more days."  
Kaito frowned but didn't press further. He jerked his head in your direction, "Maybe she can help, in more ways than one," he winked playfully.  
"Fuck off."  
"Stake your claim or forever hold your silence," he taunted more.  
I held my silence. Kaito frowned at me, "How long are you gonna keep this up? You came back here for her and now you're just gonna continue being a pussy." He paused, gauging my reaction. I know he meant well, but I can't bring myself to be selfish. I've been so… controlled, so paranoid and so cold for so long, I don't know how to be selfish.  
He narrowed his eyes. "She loves you."  
How would you know? I might just be a… curiosity. Like how I was curious about my own feelings for her, how I was unable to put a label on it; she might be just hanging around to see how this pans out. Just like how I returned just so I could silence the curious ache of not returning. That ache died out the moment I saw her and I wondered how I could've been so foolish in the first place. That longing ache died right away, only to be replaced by dread and fear.  
Kaito probably saw it on my face. We grew up together and I wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was practically family. "Man up," he ruffled my hair, just as an older brother would do as he got up and followed Chairman out.

You closed the door then turned to face me. You had calmed down from your earlier physical and verbal assault on me. Now, you couldn't even look at me, as you averted your eyes. "I was worried," you said quietly. I know.  
I know because I've seen Chairman reject your calls, heard Kaito complaining about you hounding him, and overheard the hospital staff telling Chairman that you were disrupting their work. My heart, which had just started to beat, started to pound furiously.  
"I'm sorry." I truly am. Please look at me. Don't look so sad.  
"I kept calling… And I looked for you in all the hospitals. And Yagari told me not to look for you anymore… I was so scared.." You had your head bowed, hiding your tears that I could still hear.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to make you cry. I took one step closer, almost stretching out my hand to stroke your face, stopping myself just in time from touching you.  
"Look at me." I took another step towards you. "Please look at me," I almost begged. Your sadness was unbearable. And the fact that it was me who caused it made it worse for me.  
You looked up at me. "Don't ever do that again, okay? Promise me." You pulled me into a hug I was unable to return. I want to hold you back, so badly. But is holding you back an indication of promising what you request? I can't promise you anything. Not even the simplest matter. I always thought that this world will continue to spin without me, that even if I die without a trace, nobody would cry for me. I'll just fade out of memory, reduced to nothing. But there you were, trying so hard to look for me, crying so hard over me.  
"I'm sorry." I apologized again. "Please don't cry. Not for me," I murmured into her hair, holding back my own feelings.

You're not a curiosity. I have so much more than that for you.  
Just as that realization hit, my head began to split. My throat began to burn. My body began to shiver. That was my instant punishment for loving you. I'm in love with you, Yuki. And my body will punish me for it, so that I can't hurt you.  
I quickly pushed you away. "I'm sorry," I apologized again, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for holding you. I'm sorry for thinking that I might have the right to do that. I staggered away from you.  
Everything was spinning. I couldn't look straight, couldn't think straight. I hit the wall and dragged myself along it. I kept swallowing, but my throat was so dry and my lips so parched, it only hurt more. "Zero, Zero!" you kept repeating as you tried to guide me to my bed. "Your pills, here," you handed a few to me.  
I grabbed them greedily, forcing myself to stomach them, knowing full well that I can't. "You need to go back to the hospital. Let's go," you tried to bring me to the door. I pushed you away strongly, almost violently. "Let go. Please, just leave." I collapsed onto the bed.

* * *

"Don't ever do that again, okay? Promise me."

I remembered how I almost went mad, calling each hospital to enquire if there was a Zero Kiryuu admitted. I hung around the bar each night, even though Carl had already told me to take a leave of absence, just in case you or Kaito might come. I spent each waking moment looking for you, calling your cell phone multiple times a day just in case I might catch you at the time you turn it on. I couldn't sleep, trying to figure out where you might be. All those words I didn't say to you, all these feelings I had for you that I didn't understand; if you leave, how would I every know? The thought of never knowing was so terrifying.  
That I knew, definitely, that you were more than an infatuation with something new. I have so much more than that for you.

All that fear, all that worry came flooding back. I remembered how it felt like each night, wondering if you were sleeping well, if your nightmares were haunting you, or if you would never wake up again. I looked up at you, your eyes narrowed in concern, your voice full of regret. And I pulled you to me into a hug. My own action surprised me. Hugging someone never came so naturally before, even hugging Kaname. Holding you was instinctual, almost as if my body was programmed to do so. I loved how your body felt like in my arms, almost as if you were made to measure. You didn't return my hug, but you didn't push me away either.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry, not for me," I could feel your warm breath on my head. I pulled you tighter. How could you tell me that? Do you think I want to cry?  
I never needed to cry for anyone before. Why should you be the first?  
But for some reason, you are the first. The first man to make me cry and worry, the first man to make me feel useful and needed, the first man to make me feel this overwhelming sense of belonging. I finally belong somewhere, and that's here, right here in your arms. I held you tighter, as tightly as I could.

You struggled out, apologizing repeatedly as you pushed me away. You clutched your chest, your face creased in a pain so intense that your whole body shivered with each breath you took. You dragged yourself along the walls, pushing me away each time I tried to reach for you. I handed you your box of pills and you swallowed them greedily, even though you grimaced each time a single pill touched your lips. "You need to go back to the hospital. Let's go now." I held on to your arm more tightly this time but you pushed me back forcefully. Never have you been this violently stubborn before. "Let go. Please just leave," you yelled at me as you collapsed.

I could see that you were no longer conscious. You were curled up in a fetal position, holding yourself tightly, afraid to lose control. Your eyes were squeezed shut holding back tears I knew you would never allow yourself to cry. You bite your lips hard, holding back a scream I knew you would never allow yourself to release. I held you as I repeated your name. I was afraid of you losing it, afraid that you would forget that you're the strong, brave Zero Kiryuu, afraid that you would forget that you're right here safe in your bedroom, not back in that terrifying place. I repeated your name in prayer.

Your shivering subsided, just as your tears rolled down your cheeks. I'm not sure if you were even aware that you were crying. Your grip on yourself tightened, your nails digging deeper into the sides of your arms, leaving deep red marks in them. A pained sound escaped your lips.  
You were losing control now, weren't you? I wiped those tears away from your eyes just as you started convulsing. You started with low whimpers, as if still trying to suppress your pain.  
You don't have to, Zero. Not in front of me. You don't have to act tough in front of me, don't have to hold it in any longer.  
I'll protect you. I promise.

Your cries slowly escalated into tortured screams. Screams I couldn't bear hearing. Screams that broke my heart, tearing my soul apart. For what seemed like an eternity, you continued screaming. Finally, you drifted off to sleep while clutching my hand. I brushed those long bangs off your tear-stained face. You must have been dreaming of your family again. I laid your head down on your pillow. It must've been terrifying for a boy so young. I patted your back gently when I saw you were about to start dreaming that horrifying dream again, and your breathing resumed normally. How have you been living all these years? I looked around your house, those bare walls and empty cabinets, and realized the answer.  
You haven't been living. You've merely been surviving.

I touched your face, feeling you clench as a result, then planted a kiss on your forehead. You were burning up. How many times has it been already, that I've ended up attempting to nurse you; and how many more times do I have to do this? How many more times will you put yourself in danger, put your life on the line, torture yourself, for things that you can't change?

Stop, it's enough. You've hurt enough, you've suffered enough. And for what? For your dead family? They wouldn't come back to life, even if you died taking revenge for them. You've killed Shizuka, now what? Your dreams didn't go away and it didn't hurt any less, did it? Your dreams got worse, not better. Please, stop. You have to live well.  
"You're gonna be fine, baby. I promise. You won't hurt anymore," I knelt at the side of your bed as I held your face in my hands. By then, you had closed your eyes and drifted off already.

* * *

You shouldn't be so close to me. But – Damn! – I want you so badly.

You shouldn't even be in the same room as me. But, I need you so badly.  
You shouldn't be holding me. But, I'm so in love with you, it hurt so badly.  
I held you tighter and tighter.

No. Please. No. Release her. Stop. Stop, you bastard.  
You're killing her. Stop. Stop now!  
But she tastes so good. So fulfilling. So… precious.  
The aroma of her blood filled my senses, making me feel more alive than I've felt for years, fuelling my body with energy so strong that I shivered, feeling the strength buzzing in me.  
The taste of her blood danced across my tongue, seeped through my parched lips, filling the dry cracks of my throat.  
This thirst cannot be sated by others. This taste I can't get enough of. This body I can't hold tightly enough. This body… that's going limp in my arms.  
I opened my eyes wide. No. No. Oh please, no.

Yuki, wake up.  
Yuki, I'm sorry.  
Yuki, please. Please, open your eyes.  
Please.  
I shook her, screaming for her to wake up.  
I held her tight, trying to get her cold body to warm up.  
All that fear, all that terror flooded through me.  
I've killed you.

I remained frozen in that moment, that petrifying moment when my world shattered.  
It was exactly like when my parents died, when young, weak Zero Kiryuu remained still and unmoving, frozen in that one moment when everything came crashing down.  
And exactly like my dreams of my parents, this scene of you dying in my arms repeated itself before my eyes, each time more horrific than the last.  
And exactly like those nightmares, the ultimate ending never changed.

* * *

You remained unconscious for 2 days.

I never left your side, afraid that your dreams might get worse, that you might disappear in a blink of an eye.  
And during those brief moments, when you were sleeping in relative peace, I wondered. What if Shizuka never attacked, what if Purebloods never existed? Would Zero Kiryuu be happy? Would you sleep well, eat well, live well? Would you maybe get a good job, find a pretty girl, get married, have kids? I wondered how many more lives have us Purebloods destroyed.  
I touched your pale face, wondering how many women have had this chance to watch you sleep. I lay on your bed, holding you tight, wondering how many women have had the chance to hold you while you sleep. I brushed my fingers on your lips, wondering how many women have had the chance to kiss your lips. Maybe you would have a steady girlfriend now, if not because of us Purebloods.

You creased your forehead, your breathing getting heavier and your body started to curl up.  
I held your body, trying to protect you, knowing that I can't. And even if I could make you forget that pain, make you feel again, I'll also be the one to hurt you once more. I'm that bitch who will tear you apart after fixing you. I'm that bitch who will give you hope and throw you off a cliff at the same time. I'm that bitch who will make you believe in love, and then break that belief again.

My alarm rang. I've set it so that I know when to feed you. I'm scared that you'll waste away, growing weaker day by day. You were shivering, your breathing labored. You grit your teeth and clutched your chest. I coaxed your mouth open but you kicked up a fuss with each spoonful. I've learnt to recognize your behavior pattern and I held your shoulders and you calmed down for a moment. Your eyes flickered at times, as you drifted in and out of consciousness, beads of cold sweat running down your face as you fought so hard. Your mumblings turned to screams as you smashed your fists and struggled physically on the bed against Shizuka.

Just like last night, I held you. And just like last night, you fought back. "Don't touch! Don't touch me!" you screamed, in that tone that wasn't fierce nor angry, but desperate. Your finger nails dug into my wrists as your nightmare raged on.

Then your eyes flew open. And your beautiful eyes were tinged crimson, warning me to back off and take cover. They were… crimson. And before my mind could process what that meant, you got up, pushed me aside and locked yourself in the bathroom. I pounded on the door, begging you to let me in before you hurt yourself. I could hear glass being broken and a loud thump as you fell to the floor, the scratching of glass as you pulled your body through those broken fragments and your pained breathing as you struggled to remain conscious and alive.

I stopped pounding as I realized what those crimson eyes said to me.  
Baby, you had the most beautiful eyes, purple, lilac, crimson or ruby red.  
And in that instant, I understood why. I understood what had happened, why you were so much more broken than some regular orphan boy, why you were so afraid of letting me in. Why Rido was so particularly fixated on you. I stopped banging the door. I could smell it faintly, the smell of blood. Who else could it be, but yours?

My mind was set, as I looked for your spare keys. I unlocked the door with shivering hands. I saw your bloodstained hand and the traces of blood on your lips. You noticed that I had noticed, and turned away. I held out my hand and I noted your shivering worsening as you turned away again. I wiped your bloodstained lips, feeling you shudder at my touch. I held you towards me, knowing exactly what that would do to you.  
Is my scent driving you mad? I've never starved before, never known what it was like to be hungry. But when I look at you trembling so badly, I could feel it myself; that gnawing, persistent and perpetual pain. I could feel your body clenching, shuddering as you clenched hard, resisting so bad.  
You gasped for air, trying hard not to breathe my scent, trying to deny yourself further, trying to swallow back your desire. I held you tighter, forcing you closer.  
Take as much as you need, as much as you want. Take everything.

* * *

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to yourself? Am I worth it? No, I'm not. I'm not even half the man you think I am, barely a tenth. Don't hold me so close, planting seeds of feelings that I'm not capable of following through. Don't touch me so softly, making me want to treat you like a man will treat a lady. Don't cry those tears for me, making me want to kiss your fears away.

I'm not afraid of dying, I've never been. So don't make me start now. Don't give me something to live for now, when all that I have is dead and gone. Don't give me something to hold on to now, when I've got one foot in hell's doorway already. Don't give me someone to love now, when I'm not capable of spending forever in your arms.

You feel so sweet. It reminds me of the last time my mother held me.  
You feel so soft. It reminds me of those beautiful clouds I used to watch out my childhood bedroom.  
You feel so real. It reminds me of those dreams I used to have, of having a wife to hold at night.  
I'm not that same boy who had those beautiful dreams. I've grown up all wrong. I'm broken and scarred. I'm like these pieces of shattered glass on the floor. I will cut your hands and I will hurt you.

Do you have any idea what you're doing to me, what the implications are?  
Have you any idea, how this beast inside me will rip you apart. That beast that's struggling to get out. Hurry, leave! Leave before those chains holding that monster back shatters. Hurry!  
I struggled in your grasp, clawing at my neck, hurting myself to distract myself from you.  
You pushed me to your neck, unwittingly. Don't… please, don't.  
I could barely open my eyes, could barely breathe. All I could hear was the rush of sweet blood in your body, as your heart pumped that sweet nectar through the veins in your neck so close to my lips. I could barely move, could barely think straight.

The chains have broken now. I'm so sorry. Please… please forgive me.  
"I'm sorry." I managed to whisper once before that beast inside was unleashed completely.  
The first drop graced my tongue. Okay, Zero. Stop now. One is enough. Please stop. I begged myself to stop. But – Dear God! – You taste so good. I couldn't. Push me away. Scream at me, please. Don't let me hold you, don't let me suck you into this hellhole with me. Fight back, for your own sake. Be kind to yourself for once. For once, be cruel to me.

At first, you were holding me. And I was completely lost. In that body, there was no Zero Kiryuu anymore. There was only that monster. Zero Kiryuu is completely dead. He doesn't exist here anymore. Then slowly, as your fingers loosened their grip, Zero Kiryuu woke up.  
Your hand fell limp to my side. Oh God, please. This can't be. Stop, you fucking monster! Stop! You bastard, you're killing her! Stop! I fought hard, I can't lose you. Baby, I can't lose you. I'd rather die. My strength returning, I pulled out that beast's fangs from your neck, regaining control.

As my vision cleared and my senses returned, I was acutely aware of your weight in my arms. Your unmoving body pressed close to my chest. Just like that repetitive nightmare. "No, Yuki. Wake up, please. Yuki, listen to me, wake up now!" I started screaming, shaking you repeatedly. I carried you to the bed, trying to check for your pulse. It's ironic, that your blood gave me enough strength to listen for your dying heartbeat. Your pulse was weak. I wrapped you in the sheets, rubbing your body to keep you warm. "Wake up now, Yuki. Please… please open your eyes." I begged. I was confused of the logic of my desperation. Was it because I didn't want to be a vampire who killed his victim? Or was it because I was a man who didn't want to lose the woman he loves. I knelt down next to you and begged. Never have I begged anyone for anything. I'm begging you just to open your eyes.

I could hear your pulse strengthening. I held you, still afraid that it might weaken again. Somehow, holding you made it feel like it would be okay. I knew you would forgive me, because you're loving and forgiving like that. But, I'm not. I'm not that noble. I can't forgive; I absolutely cannot forgive anyone who hurts you, even if that person is me.  
I called Chairman. "I've done wrong. I…" I gulped, stammering and confusing my words. "I.. her.. Yuki.. drank.." My trembling hands dropped the phone to the ground, unable to verbalize the situation. All I could do was hold her and pray to whichever God willing to forgive me to save her from me.

* * *

I opened the door to find Kiryuu holding her, his face completely blank. That look in his eyes was one I've seen before and one that I prayed never to see again. He had that same look in his eyes when I first found him surrounded by his parents' dead bodies. Cold and empty, as if nobody was home. He didn't say a word, didn't even seem to realize that I had arrived. "I'm here now, Zero. Let me take care of her." But he didn't let go. I could see from the gentle movement of her chest, that she was still breathing, still alive. But Zero was petrified, a prisoner of his thoughts. Gently, I pried his fingers to release her. He was trembling, in a way that was heartbreaking. He slumped to the floor, still shivering, still in his own world.

As I took care of Yuki, I shuddered to think of Zero stuck in that world of his.  
It was a world that was neither human nor demon. It was a world that only a person of Zero's character would condemn himself to, a living hell. He would never forgive himself for this. Just like how he never forgave himself for his parents' death, even though there was nothing he could have done. In that world of his, there were no second chances, no mercy, and no rights to happiness. In that world of his, Zero imprisoned himself.

I had brought some medication along for Yuki, but then again, all she needs now is rest. I turned to Zero instead, the person who truly needed help. He was on his knees, his eyes closed as if in prayer. But I know better. Zero doesn't believe in God. He doesn't believe in anything, for crying out loud. But in that cell where he was locked for months, he believed in the one thing that kept him sane.  
He believed in Yuki. He didn't believe he could love her, far from that. Merely the thought of her kept him sane, all those memories kept him going.  
I know, I've heard Zero start to spasm, start to lose control and then he'll take a deep breath and murmur Yuki's name repeatedly, like a prayer. And miraculously, he'll regain control and calm down.

"Carry her back to her room, Kiryuu." With hands still trembling, he reached out, and almost immediately pulled back again. "I… I can't," his voice trembling. He's afraid, frightened that he'll hurt her. And because of that fear, he's holding back. I could see that longing in his eyes, not out of bloodlust. I could see how his fingers reached out, wanting to touch her face. I could see how obviously in love he was. But he probably wouldn't label it love. "I'm right here, I'll make sure that everything will be fine. Go, take her to her room," I urged. He has to get over it. For one so young to have suffered so much, he has to find something to hold on to again. And if Yuki can be that light in his life, he shouldn't let go. He picked her up cautiously and I could see him watching her closely, full of apprehension. I followed them out to her room. Zero placed her gently on her bed and covered her with a blanket, brushing hair off her face and kissing her forehead.

"I'll just leave her here. She'll come to on her own, right?" Zero asked. I nodded, "How about you? Do you need a doctor?" I doubt it though, he's probably feeling more alive than he's ever felt in the past few years, and that realization will only drive home the harsh reality that he's not human. "Chairman," Zero looked at me. I could see it on his face, what he was about to say. I knew, exactly what he wanted to do. "Can you take care of her, please?" Zero asked.  
"She'll come to, and then she'll start asking for me. Just tell her that I'm on a long assignment. Tell her I'll be gone for a long time. Tell her…" Zero looked away, towards Yuki. "Tell her that she's better off without me. Tell her to move on and forget me. Tell her, please."

I couldn't say no. Because, from a practical point of view, Zero was completely right. "At least tell her that yourself." Zero bit his lip. "I can't. Please, can you do this for me?" I contemplated for a moment. "At least, write her a letter. It's rude to leave abruptly. Write one and I'll tell her you've left for work. If not, I won't stay." I threatened. I knew Zero was not cruel enough to leave without a word.

He left the room, then came back some time later with a single duffel bag and an envelope.  
He handed the envelope to me and walked over to Yuki. I saw his lips move, whispering in her ears. He kissed her cheek, a last kiss, a goodbye kiss. Right in front of my eyes, I saw Zero giving up happiness once again.

Zero walked past me, mumbling "I'll be in touch."  
He walked out the door and never looked back.


	23. Chapter 23 One Time

I looked around the room which had been my home for nearly 2 years now. I remember the first time I moved in. Ever since the attack, I had been living in the Association Headquarters. I had my meals with other Hunters' children, schooled with them, and got stared at by them. They didn't know I could hear them whispering behind my back. They didn't know that I knew what they called me behind my back; monster. A good looking one, according to the girls.

I knew they were right. I knew I had no right to protest. I knew they wouldn't accept me as one of them, no matter how good a Hunter I was. I knew and understood it all. But for some reason, it ached. At that point of my life, I had never been alone before. I've always had a brother to hang around me. But, suddenly, I was alone. Even if I knew that I had to spend the rest of my life that way, it was still hurtful. I knew I shouldn't be hurt, I couldn't be weak enough to let these petty feelings bother me. But it did. Each time I heard those whispers behind my back, I steeled myself a little more. I built another layer of ice around my heart with each insult I heard.

I remember one of the missions that they sent us rookies to. They had underestimated the vampire. My partner and I ended up in the hospital, our beds next to each other. His mother came, fussing over him, bringing food and comforting him. I pretended to sleep. That was when I realized, the more I tried to be like them, the more these little things surface and bother me. Only when Chairman visited me in the hospital with a birthday cake, that I remembered, "Ah, I'm 16 today." Ichiru used to be the one to bring me a cake. Chairman bought me a laptop as a present. I asked him if I could move out instead.

He brought me around several properties that the Association owned. And I chose this one. I looked around the flat. It was still exactly the way it was when I first moved in. I never thought of it as a home, just as a place to sleep. But leaving this place gave me a nostalgic feeling. It was in this room that I found solace, able to have my bad dreams without anyone walking in, that I was able to choke and starve in peace without fear of anyone judging me. Without me realizing it, it had become a home, whether I thought of it that way or not. I was reluctant to leave.

I was reluctant to leave her.

I sat down to write the letter.  
_I love you. I love you so much, it's scary. I love you so much, it hurts. I love you so much, I love you.  
_Instead of that, I wrote: "Thank you. Thank you so much for helping me live. Thank you so much for taking care of me. Thank you so much for everything, sincerely thank you."

_If I were a man, I'd never leave you. If I were a man, I'd tell you never to leave me too.  
_"I have to go somewhere for work now. As you know, my job is dangerous. It would be best if you don't look for me and don't find me."

_I wish I could stay in your arms forever, fall asleep next to you for the rest of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope you do too.  
_"It's a good thing though. You won't have to take care of me at night anymore. You don't have to feel responsible for me any longer. Go out with nice men, good men. Date around, since you don't have to rush home to take care of me. Find someone who'll love you well, who'll take care of you well."

_My time with you was the best in my entire life. You've given me so much more to live for. I've been so lost for so long, but I'm not scared anymore, because I've found you.  
_"Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. Everything's alright now."

_For that, I'm eternally grateful. Thank you so much for being my guiding light. Thank you so much for all the love you've given me. Thank you so much for letting me feel love for the first time.  
_"Once again, thank you for everything."

_Love, your Zero.  
_"Best regards, Zero."

My hands were shaking. I was biting back this sudden sharp pain in my chest as I sealed the envelope. My lips were quivering, holding back my screams. I didn't know that I was capable of such pain. I didn't know it would be this hard to leave. I stuffed the contents of my life in this flat, all into a duffel bag. All it took was that one bag. That realization shouldn't even be startling anymore.

Just when I've started thinking of this flat as a home, I have to leave. I told myself, "It's okay, Zero. It'll be okay."

But I know myself well enough.  
Things will never be okay. I will miss her. I will yearn for her. I will long for her.  
Because I've finally known love. And I'm already addicted to the taste of love in her blood.

I closed the door to my flat and entered hers.  
I approached Yuki, fast asleep. I watched her, memorizing the shape of her face, her expression. I swept the hair off her face, one last time. I let my touch linger, one last time. And for the first time, I said 8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning.

_I love you.  
_I whispered to her. For the first time. For the last time.

I kissed her cheek, one last time. I memorized the feeling of her skin on my lips, its softness and its scent, one last time. I turned my back to her, one last time.

I mumbled something to Chairman, I can't even remember what.  
Then, closed the door, one last time.


	24. Chapter 24 Fairytale Cliche

"I love you."  
I thought I heard you say. I felt your lips on my cheek, your fingers lightly touching me. I wanted to pull you, to stop you from leaving. But you leaving, would be my way out.  
I understand now, why Rido wanted you. In this war, they want to use you as a pawn. You're the strongest hunter, and taking you out of the equation would mean a victory. And they'll use me to do just that.

But, I love you.  
I can't do that to you. I should leave before this gets any deeper than it already is. It's good that you're leaving. Because I cannot bear to leave you. Not now, not ever. You should go. Leave now and don't look back. Leave me here, so that you can live well without me. Leave me, I will hurt you more than anything else. More than Shizuka, more than your parents, more than your brother's betrayal. I will be the one who hurts you most, so leave now.

But, I love you.  
I didn't realize that love's supposed to be like this. I never knew raw, pure unadulterated love could feel so perfect, no matter the imperfect circumstance. I never knew that I was capable of feeling this much for you. How could I? In my perfect little world, I never had to try to love. This was different. This world is harsh and cruel, but this difficult love, is beyond perfect. This love I never knew could exist, this love I never dreamt of having; this love I have for you.

* * *

One step out, and I'm already trembling. I forced myself to continue, feeling something in me tear apart bit by bit the further I walked away. This pain was choking me, strangling me to death. All this while, as I dreamt of you, I thought that pain was hunger. Now, I know better. I'm not hungry for blood anymore. I'm just hungry for you. I've been starved for this so long, long before Shizuka. This love, I've always longed for but just never knew it.

I stood there, rooted to the spot in the pouring rain. I thought leaving was easy, that all I had to do was pack my bags and walk away. I can't. I want to stay here, I want to stay with you. I couldn't bring myself to leave, I couldn't bring my legs to continue walking. This sharp pain in my chest, that burning sensation each time I tried to take another step. I knew exactly why.  
I can't leave you. I can't, even though I must.  
I love you. I love you, even though I must not.

And in my selfish mind, all I can't think of was you. I knew I had to leave, but that selfish bastard in me wanted you to make the decision for me. I wanted you to come wrap your arms around me and stop me from leaving, like I know you would. I wanted you to hold me and tell me to stay here with you. I wanted you to tell me to stay right next to you, never to leave you. I wanted you to stop me from leaving you, because I'm a coward who can't leave but shouldn't stay either.  
So, when two opposing forces come together, there I stood, unable to move forward nor back, unable to leave you nor go back to you.

I stood there for ages, letting the rain soak me through, letting the rain wash away those foolish thoughts of mine. I saw Chairman leave, probably an hour or so later. Are you alright? Have you woken up by now? Are you feeling dizzy? Does it still sting, where I bit you? I'm so sorry, baby I'm so sorry. Please, please forgive me… No, no don't. Don't forgive me. You shouldn't. You should hate me, hate me so that I can leave easier.

I wanted to check on you, just to see if you're up. I wanted to at least see you, up and about, one last time. How many times have I said this already, the phrase one last time? I'm just delaying, aren't I? I'm just giving myself excuses to keep running back to you, hoping that one of those times, you'll hold on to me like you'll always do and prevent me from leaving. I'm a coward, aren't I?

For once in your life, Zero Kiryuu, do something right.  
Just leave.

* * *

Chairman left, and I was left alone in my room.

I looked at the wall between my room and Zero's.  
Behind that wall, Zero had lived years, suffering alone. Behind that wall, Zero had hidden himself from the world. Behind that wall, Zero had cried out alone at night, suffering a thousand sorrows by himself. My strong, cold Zero.

Who will take care of Zero now? Who's going to hold him so that he doesn't topple out of bed? Who's going to shush him when he starts screaming? Whoever it is, it can't be me anymore.

I got up. I'm in too deep, I have to leave. He's gone now. It's time for me to leave too. This will be a dream tomorrow. I'll be back with Kaname tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll be alright.  
_But, Zero wouldn't be. _

And that single thought, brought me to tears.  
I try telling myself, are you sure you're in love Yuki? Or are you treating him as a puppy, just someone to heal? Are you treating him as a new toy, just something you've never seen before and want to try out? Are you treating him as a tragic prince, someone you think you can save? Are you sure you're in love, Kuran Yuki? Or is it just the idea of love you're in love with? Are you sure it's Kiryuu Zero that you want, or the idea of being in a fairytale tragic romance that appeals to you?

You little bitch, Kuran Yuki. How could you?  
I ran out the door. I'm going back to Kaname, where things are so easy. I'm going back to Kaname, and have him make all the decisions for me. I'm going back to Kaname, where my only job was to look pretty and wait for him at home. I ran out into the rain, and there he was.

_Zero.  
_You were standing in the rain, completely soaked. All my earlier thoughts of going home to Kaname completely vanished, thanks to Zero. Baby, why didn't you leave when you could? If you did, I would've left as well, with no doubts or wariness. I saw you, standing in the rain, and you cast that spell over me again.  
Are you thinking the same things as me? Are we both wanting to leave, but too selfish to do so? Are we both so starved that we cannot give up this terrible love? Are we both so desperate, that we're willing to gamble everything away? Will you take this chance and live the way you want to rather than the way you should?  
If I say yes, will you say yes as well?

* * *

I was so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't hear you until you were right behind me. I didn't dare turn around to face you; I didn't want you to see this look in my eyes that I can't hide. I don't want you to see the face of the animal that almost devoured you. I don't want you to look at me with those eyes that will stop me from leaving, even if you don't say a word.

I've become yours, completely, in every sense of the word.  
I'm yours.

"Zero…"  
I waited for your next words. What will they be? Don't leave? Don't go? Come back in, you'll catch a cold? But you didn't say anything else. And I turned to look at you, even though I knew I shouldn't fall into that trap that is your beautiful eyes again.

There were tears, streaming down your face. Even in the rain, I could tell, they were tears. I hope that you can't tell, the tears running down my cheeks from the rain drops. "Yuki…" Go back in, I wanted to tell you. Don't come after me. Don't be a fool. Instead, both of us just stared at each other, waiting for someone to decide the next move. Waiting for God to decide if he should open up a crack in the Earth between us, separating us forever, or not.

I raised my arms, I want to wipe those tears away. I wanted to yell at you for being a fool, but the only word I could say was your name, "Yuki…" You looked at my hand, knowing this dilemma in my head. And you said the words I had been hoping you'd say, "Don't go."

That was all I needed, your green light. Because this selfish bastard in me is grabbing on and never letting go now. You were warned, Yuki. You were told of the consequences, you were kept away. You didn't listen. I'm sorry, it's too late to take your words back now. I won't go, I'll stay here, and I'll leach off that love you so willingly gave and I so stubbornly rejected.

I grabbed you close to me, letting one arm tighten around your waist and the other holding your face to mine.  
I looked into your eyes, for any sign telling me to stop. I found none.  
Our lips were touching, but I didn't kiss you.  
But I still needed that last bit of reassurance, that last roadblock.  
It didn't matter, you pulled me in anyway.

* * *

You were waiting, waiting for me to push you away. But I didn't.  
You were waiting, waiting for permission to proceed.  
I've been waiting for this for so damn long, what the hell are you waiting for baby?

I could feel your lips on mine, but neither of us wanting to proceed, both waiting for permission.  
Oh god, I'm sick of these stupid games we play. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't know what will happen in an hour. But I don't care. I know we're here. I know we're together. I know that our love will be a tragedy, an insanity. But baby, you're my remedy, my clarity. And you're right here with me.

And in the rain, like some fairytale cliché, we kissed for the first time.

Urgently, as if someone will come to tear us apart at any time.  
Fervently, as if we've both been waiting for this our whole lives.  
Lovingly, as if we've both been waiting for each other our whole lives.


	25. Chapter 25 One Night

I shuddered, feeling your lips on mine. You kissed me first, urgently, as if afraid that I'll leave. I was still afraid. I know what you're thinking, how a man could be such a coward. But it's the way I am, I had to think it through. We could stop at one kiss, I knew. But if I continue, I wouldn't stop, and then what? It'd be too late to regret. I felt you withdrawing your lips. You opened your eyes and stared at me oh so lovingly. My heart raced and I felt this growing longing start to ache. And in that split second, I knew. I'd regret this moment even more if I left right now.

I felt like a boy again, a boy experiencing his first innocent kiss. I wanted to do this right. I wanted to do this right for you. My heart was pounding, as if it was my first time kissing a girl. In a way, it was. It's my first time kissing someone I love. It's my first time loving someone.

I leaned forward and started with one; softly, gently, slowly.  
You followed with another one of your own; sweetly, tenderly, lovingly.  
I pushed further; more strongly this time, more sure than I have ever been.  
You did the same; more forward this time, more daring than I can ever be.  
I followed suit; longer, harder, hotter.  
You smiled and did the same; your hands pulling my face lower.  
I kissed back, swiping my tongue along your lower lip as I pulled back.  
You took the cue, giving my bottom lip a nip as you pulled back.  
And this fiery dance continued, all the way as I walked us back up to my flat. By then, there were no separate kisses; it was all one, long, passionate kiss that took my breath away. Then again, with your lips on mine, I don't even want to breathe.

We negotiated the flight of stairs as if we were fighting, each one wanting to take the lead.  
There was no fear, no gentleness, no softness anymore. Everything was carnal, unadulterated, lust. It began innocently enough.  
I tested the waters, letting my hands roam, feeling the curve where your thighs met your narrow waist, letting my hands go lower and lower.  
You over-responded, one hand clawing my back and another urgently pulling my head down as you kissed me even deeper and faster.  
I shrugged off my coat as I pulled your cardigan off, letting my tongue flick the roof of your mouth, feeling your body tremble as a result.  
Your tongue met mine, and as our tongues wrestled for dominance, our hands did the same. I felt your hands under my T-shirt, your fingers digging deep into my chest. I pulled away.

* * *

You pulled away. I protested; I don't want this to stop. "Don't whine," you smirked at me as you peeled your wet T-shirt off. "Don't smirk," I snapped back. I jumped on you immediately after your half strip show, glad that you had done us both a favour. I'll reward you duly for that.

I traced a finger down the nape of your neck, feeling your body shudder in response and your lips step up their game.  
I slid my knee up your thigh, hearing you groan in just that way that turned me on and your hands step up their game.  
I pulled away from you, just to tease you and whispered into your ear, "Don't stop now," as my hands stepped up their game, unbuckling your belt.

You complied, peppering my neck with butterfly kisses with interludes of long kisses. Your hands went under my blouse, fumbling with the clasp. I didn't make things easy for you, I knew you'd come through like the pro you are anyway. You didn't disappoint. The next thing I knew, my bra was on the floor, somewhere on the stairs between the second and third floor. By then, my legs were wrapped around your waist as you carried me the rest of the way.

You laid me down on the bed and suddenly stopped kissing me.  
My heart threatened to stop; I'm afraid you'll change your mind. I'm afraid you'll back out. I'm afraid you'll leave.

You placed your head on my neck, kissing the bite mark softly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," you breathed as you kissed that mark repeatedly. I held your face in my hands. "I love you, Zero. This is nothing." I kissed you. And that look in your eyes; that look of wonder, that look that contained so much love and adoration.  
I love that look in your eyes, Zero. Don't ever look at me any other way.

You kissed me back, and we continued where we left off.  
You were gentle, considerate, kind; a complete gentleman.  
You slowly unbuttoned my blouse, and you were so gentle it was making me impatient. Your hands pulled my jeans off as you continued down my body, leaving my skin burning and tingling at your wake. I could no longer control the sounds I make, the sensations I feel, the burning at the pit of my stomach.  
I unbuttoned your jeans, feeling my cheeks heat in anticipation as my hands could already feel how eager your body was. As I pulled the zip down, I was dizzy with excitement. I hesitated, just briefly, before pulling them down. I didn't quite manage it, but you kicked them off anyway. You continued kissing me intensely, between my breasts and down my stomach to my waist. Each kiss drove me further and further to the brink of delirium. I tangled my hands in your hair, keeping myself steady in case my squirming sends us tumbling.  
I felt like a virgin again; nervous, excited, afraid.  
I felt your hands caress my cheek, "Look at me, Yuki. Please." And I stared into your eyes, reflecting how I felt.

* * *

I saw that mark through half-closed eyes, and immediately stopped, the guilt washing over me. My body was bent over yours, and I felt the shame of what I did come over me. I kissed that mark, the mark of my insolence, my savagery. "I'm sorry, baby I'm so sorry." You held my face and said the only words I needed, "I love you, Zero. This is nothing." How is it that you know exactly what I need to hear all the time. How is it that you can look at me with that look in your eyes; that look so forgiving and so loving. I love that look in your eyes, Yuki. Don't ever look at me any other way.

I kissed you deeply in gratitude. I kissed you again, just because I love you. And then I continued kissing you, because we had to pick up where we left off.  
I unbuttoned your blouse, button by button. I wouldn't want to rip it, that's what monsters do. I heard your heartbeat quicken and desperately tried to soothe you by kissing again; but not your lips. No, they've had enough. I had to be fair, what about the other parts I haven't worshipped yet?  
I planted butterfly kisses on your neck, sucking each hickey I made and feeling satisfied each time you gasped. I continued the trail downwards, my hands unzipping your jeans and tugging them off. My lips continued down the valley between your breasts, your hands unzipping my own jeans and pulling them off. I continued kissing you, feeling you tremble more and more as each kiss reached your waist. I continued planting love bites all over your body, feeling your fingers tighten in my hair each time, hearing your moans increasing in intensity.

I felt like a virgin again, my heart pounding crazily in my chest. I've been with women before, but none like you. None that I liked the way I love you. With you, I want to do it right, I want to do it well. Are you nervous as well? You had your eyes closed, your breathing hitching each time I kissed you. I caressed your cheek, "Look at me, Yuki. Please." Open your eyes and stare at me with that soul-stealing gaze.

I kissed your closed eyes. "I'll be slow, I'll be gentle," I promised you. I may not be your first man, but I'll definitely be your best. You opened your eyes and smiled at me. "I know, I trust you," you said, kissing my forehead.  
I trust you. In that moment, those 3 words shook me to my core. I'm so grateful that you're here, Yuki. I'm so thankful that you chose me, Yuki. I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with you even more, until then.

* * *

"I trust you," I watched as your eyes lit up and you smiled. A smile that looked both relieved and grateful. I pushed the hair out of your eyes and kissed your forehead. Your fingers slid my damp panties off and I felt them tingling all the way down my legs.

Your body hovered over mine as you set out to conquer my body with kisses. I got a clear look of things and loved what I saw. Your broad shoulders and toned muscular body is one thing, but how you moved your body was a league in itself. Granted, I can't compare very well, but still… You made me want to do… things I never dared to try. Not now though, now that you're in the zone, it's your time to shine.

You smirked at me as you pushed my legs apart. You kissed the insides of my thighs, sending my body closer to heaven. Your tongue… did things I can't describe, leaving my body physically aching for you. I was wet from longing, your foreplay, effective and oh-so-fun as it is, is torturing me. It didn't take long.

You kissed me just as you entered. My heart stopped for a moment. You timed the rhythm perfectly, kissing me at the right intervals, entering me just before I could get off the high of the previous one.  
And then, my mind went blank.

* * *

I had to do well. Better.

Each movement was timed and deliberate. The egoistic male in me is calling the shots now, and I'll let him, because when it comes to female orgasms, he's got a lot of pride on the line. I can't give you much, baby. But I'll make up for it by pleasuring you well. And it looked like I did. I could see your mind going blank as you stopped breathing, your fingers still digging into my back. Watching you achieve your high was my boost, as I came just as you did.

I slowed down, not too slow to be abrupt, but slow enough to sustain your effects. Should I go for round 2? I pondered for a bit.  
Nah, I think we can save it for later.


	26. Chapter 26 Without Words

A/N: Most of this entire chapter is set directly after the previous one. Only the last bit is in the present, where Zero left to Cheongug.

* * *

I opened my eyes.  
Zero, where's Zero? I started to panic. Did you leave in the end? Will you ever come back again?  
But I saw your silhouette as the curtains billowed in the wind.  
What's wrong now, Zero? We fell asleep together, your hand patting my head gently, your lips brushing my forehead softly. What is it that's made you wary again, Zero?

I wrapped the sheets around me as I stepped forward. "Hey." You turned around to face me, a small smile forming on your lips but an inkling of fear in your eyes. "You're awake." I reached out a hand, placing them on your face. You wouldn't turn away, would you? You wouldn't shiver at my touch anymore, would you? Your skin is frigid baby; how long have you been standing out here? "What is it Zero?" At my words, the inkling of fear in your eyes turned to full blown terror; but this time it's different. You're no longer shrinking back. You're fighting back. Your hands held mine to your face, your other touching your bite mark on my neck. I could see words forming on your lips, words you found so difficult to say as you swallowed them back again. In the end, when words failed, you simply pulled me into your arms and held me tightly. And without words, I knew exactly what it was you wanted to say.

"_Baby, I'm scared."  
"Baby, hold me."  
"Baby, I'm sorry."  
"Baby, kiss me."_

Slowly, I pulled away. I could see the look in your eyes, the one that is so transparent, so clear, so honest. I kissed you, just once. You stared at me, your eyes holding all the love in the world, your eyes telling me all the things I always heard but never felt. I kissed you once more, and as you kissed me back, I understood once again all that you wanted to say.

"_Baby, I'm afraid I'll be all alone again, I'm so scared."  
"Baby, hold me tightly so that I won't be scared."  
"Baby, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm so sorry."  
"Baby, kiss me, kiss all these fears away."_

I will. I'll hold you tightly, and take your fears away. I'll run away with you, as far as we need to. We'll be happy, we'll be okay. And I could feel the tears in my eyes as I looked deeply into yours; this broken man has surrendered to me, is giving his all to me. This broken man has allowed me near him, has allowed me to touch him, allowed me to kiss him. And I'm important to him; I'm someone dear to him, someone he loves. I'm that lucky bitch who gets to touch his face, kiss his lips, wake up next to him. This lucky bitch is undeserving.

You pulled away. The look in your eyes had softened. There was no fear anymore, just… a slight wariness, a slight pain. "You didn't have to save me, Yuki." Save you? It's not me who's saving you. It's you who's saving me, saving me from that life of utter oblivion, that life of being someone else's puppet. That life I never knew could be better.

* * *

I couldn't sleep. I watched you sleep next to me, watching the gentle rise and fall of your chest. My heart that had been so frozen started to thaw. My soul that had been dead for so long started to breathe. I pulled you closer, inhaling your sweet scent, imprinting your body on mine. But this tiny fear started to creep in. This fear, this apprehension; I knew that this can never last forever. I held you tighter as the fear started to grow. I saw the bite mark on your neck, and that fear multiplied. All those fears that you kissed away the previous night started to wash over me. The fear and the guilt multiplied tenfold. The more I watched you, the more afraid I got. What if… what if I hurt you even more the next time? What if we don't end well? What if you end up hating me? What if you end up leaving me?

Don't leave me. Please, please don't ever leave me.  
I've been left all alone before. It was terrible.  
Don't hate me. Please, please don't ever hate me.  
I've been hated before. It was horrible.

Concurrent with those fears, was an excitement, a joy, a happiness I've never felt before. This love of yours is amazing. I've never had someone love me this way. I'm not even sure how to respond, how to behave, how to reciprocate. But it's exciting, it makes my heart beat in a way it's never had; this heart that was way past its expiry date. It makes me wake up, looking forward to seeing you each day. It makes me last a full day, knowing that I'll get to see you when I come home. This must be the love they make movies out of. This must be the love they write beautiful lyrics about.

That's why you shouldn't leave me baby. Don't ever leave me after giving me a sweetness I can never replicate. Don't leave me after you've painted these beautiful images in my head. Don't leave me after you've made my body addicted to yours.  
Don't hate me for hurting you. Let me do that, let me hate myself. Instead, love me like you do now. Continue loving me like this, forever. Even if forever may end whenever.

So when fear and joy comes together, when pain and bliss clashed inside, I did the one thing I knew how to do. I got up, went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette to help reason it out.  
I had to distinguish now, the fact and the fiction. It's a fact, this relationship will be dangerous, this relationship may destroy her, and this relationship will consume me. But it's also a fact; this relationship is my first, my only, and probably my last. It's a fact, I love her and she loves me. It's a fact that I'll either go all in or nothing at all. I've never been known to half-ass things, and I wasn't about to start now. What were you thinking, Zero? You should have thought about this last night before getting into bed with her, before you even kissed her.  
Before your mind started to create fiction and delude itself. Forever is fiction. Happily together forever, is fiction. A normal, sweet, happy love; is also fiction. But it's so sweet. When was the last time you felt this way, Zero? When was the last time you felt so alive? When was the last time you felt whole, felt so complete?

"Hey."  
"You're awake." Before I could stop myself, my mind took free rein and started to paint these pictures in my head. We'll wake up together every morning, kiss sweetly each morning, and make sweet love in between each morning. And those thoughts terrified me.  
You placed a hand on my face. You could tell already, the doubtful thoughts that were starting to creep in. "What is it, Zero?"  
I held your hand to my face. Before I could stop myself, my mind started to play its tricks again. I knew the magic these hands held. I knew that these hands were able to take the pain away, these hands could cure a bleeding heart, and these hands would leave scratch marks of pleasure on my back.  
I touched the mark on your neck. It's not healed yet. Then my brain decided to join the party and ask; how many more bite marks will you leave on her neck, Zero? How many more scars will you give her? How many more times will you take from her without killing her?  
I wanted to tell you all these, Yuki. I want to tell you I love you. I want to apologise for hurting you. I want to tell you exactly how much I love you. I want to tell you that this can never work. But words fail me. I've never been good with words.

So I let my body do the talking. I pulled you in to my arms and held you as if my life depended on it. And it was as if you understood everything I wanted to say. You pulled away from me for a bit and stared at me. Your eyes told me you understood, you knew everything, even without words. You tiptoed and kissed me. I've always dreamed of this; kissing a girl like this, the way they do in movies. I never thought I did, but I think I always dreamed of being in love like this too.

"You didn't have to save me, Yuki," I told her. Your eyes told me that you didn't think of it that way.  
I didn't bother arguing. To me, you're already my savior. I leaned down to kiss you again, only to stop myself.  
Shit, Zero. Do people usually do this? Do people kiss all day and all night? Wouldn't it get boring? Wouldn't she get tired? I know… I'm useless at this. I've never had relationships that lasted more than a few hours at night.  
I started to get nervous, I started to fidget, I started to second-guess myself. I felt like a boy in his first relationship, only I had skipped all the way to the middle bit and now had to backtrack to the first baby steps.

* * *

You leaned down to kiss me, before stopping short. My heart was pounding in my chest. I'm nervous, fidgety, doubtful… and cold. I had forgotten that I was only wearing a blanket, if that was considered clothing. I didn't know how to proceed with this. In a way, it was funny; two grown people who had just slept together are now only deciding to… date? Are we dating, Zero? Or are we somewhat-official? Or are we a 'it's complicated'?

I shivered. You noticed and ushered us both in, breaking that awkward moment.  
But I also realized, this could be the start of something beautiful. This could be the start we've been waiting for all our lives.

* * *

I opened my eyes, not daring to move. I know, if I look to my side, I won't see her there. I kept my eyes focused on the ceiling, biting my lip, screaming out loud in my head. I counted to three, steadying my breathing. I had to thump my chest repeatedly, trying to get my heart to beat normally. I would give anything, anything at all to live that moment once again, to live happily for that short moment again.

I didn't get up until I was sure I wouldn't crumble. I took a deep breath, willing it all away. I will go through with life, the way I've always went through. I will be strong, because that's the only way I know how to live. There was something I had to do today. I have never known prayer, so I never knew the appropriate rites. But at least, I will feel like a son just for a while.

Yes, I was running, Chairman. But, you could think of it as me performing my duties as a son. The grave is near Cheongug. Heaven is, after all, the best place for the dead isn't it. When I die, I'll turn to dust as vampires do. There'll be nothing left to bury. I'll have left nothing for the world, not even a burial plot in my name. I wonder what they would've written on the tombstone anyway. Neither was I a beloved father or husband. I wasn't a brave soldier or a good man. Seems like it would've been blank anyway.

That's when I saw her.  
What are you doing here? How could you even think of coming here? A sudden cold spread through my fingers. You turned to me and smiled. How could you smile as if we're friends. How could you smile so beautifully, when I'm dying inside? How could you stand there, in front of my parents' graves, as if it was just yesterday that we came here together?  
You approached me and bowed deeply. I didn't return it.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I was on the way back, when we passed by this town."

"Come, Zero. Let's pray together."


	27. Chapter 27 Don't Speak

We had taken the train here to Cheongug, where your parents were buried. To me, it was as if you were finally completely open to me. You were introducing me to your family, even if it was just a symbolic measure.  
"It's going to be a bit of a walk, sorry," you smiled apologetically to me when we got off the train.  
I slipped my arm through yours, "It's okay. I like walking with you. All the girls get jealous."  
You laughed, "This'll make them more jealous then, wouldn't it?" as you kissed me softly.

You had just started learning to love. It had taken a while for you to hold my hand and kiss me since that first day in the rain. You used to call that beginning an adrenaline rush, when your brain wasn't functioning properly, 'not used to that much blood' as you term it. But we took baby steps, together. We started to love, started to learn how to love. Now, when we're together, our hands are never apart. Kisses that used to be so rare, have become so normal and integrated into our relationship. But they were always special. Each one always felt like the first. Isn't this how first love is supposed to be like?

We walked for 20 minutes before we reached the gates. I noticed how you had gotten so much paler, how you were slowing down. Each time you caught me noticing, you tried to cover it up with a smile and squeeze my hand. But I know better. You've been sleeping too much lately, you get tired easily and you don't eat.

Even then, you refuse to take from me. You take the blood pills, even though they make you sick. Even when I adamantly insist and you're on the brink of puncturing my skin, you always pull back at the last moment, apologising profusely each time you almost drink. "Sorry, I'm so sorry, Yuuki, baby, I'm so sorry," you'll repeat over and over again as you pull away.

We bowed our heads and closed our eyes in prayer.  
_"I'm sorry that we're meeting in these circumstances. I'm sure that you're watching over your son from above and know exactly what I am… Your son has grown up well; he's a righteous, brave, good man. I know you'll be proud of him. I'm sorry that he met me. I'm sorry that I'll hurt him when I leave. So please take care of him, please make sure he heals well, please help him forget me. Help him live well and happily. I'm so sorry for hurting your son."_

I bit my lip. How crazy, how stupid I am, to pray for your parents to forgive me when I doubted if I could forgive myself.

"What were they like?" I asked you.  
"I can't really remember anymore," you admitted.  
"Were they good to you?"  
"I guess."  
The topic of his parents was strictly off limits. I knew, I understood; and yet, I wanted to know. I wanted to know how to be your family.  
"I love you, Zero."  
You stared at me, your eyes filled with wonder each time I said that. As if you couldn't believe it that I could love you. As if you couldn't believe it that you were being loved. As if you couldn't believe it that we could love. You reached out your hand to touch my face; softly, gently as only you could.  
I could see the words forming on your lips. The words you said so often in the beginning, how much you don't deserve me, why I should leave.  
"Don't say it, Zero," I warned you. Don't say things like that anymore. You don't deserve me; that's true. You deserve someone better, so much better than me.  
The words died in your throat. The look in your eyes became apologetic instead. I hated it.  
"Don't look at me like that, Zero." I'm the one who's sorry. I'm the one who should apologise, should beg you to forgive me. I'm the one whose sin shouldn't be forgiven.

You pulled me gently into your arms, holding me close to your body, our foreheads touching and eyes closed. "Thank you," you whispered. I listened to your breathing, felt your heart thump in your chest, and wondered if your heart was completely healed now? Have I managed to heal your scars from the past? Have I managed to cure you completely from the poison in your mind? I hope then, that you'll realize how much your life can be, even after I'm gone. I hope that you'll be able to open your heart to others, even after I'm gone.

I love you, Zero.

* * *

"_I'm sorry, for hurting him. I'm so, so sorry. Please, please lead him out of this hell he's living in. He shouldn't be in there. I'm sorry for putting him there. I'm sorry I can't fix this. I'm sorry I hurt your son. Punish me instead. Hurt me instead. Please, just keep him safe and happy. Please, just keep him out of misery."_

"Yuuki…" "What is it Aidou?" I turned and saw him. Zero stood there, watching me through narrowed eyes. My heart clenched, and this ache worsened. This terrible, permanent ache turned into full-fledged agony. Zero, don't ache like this. Don't hurt like I'm hurting, please. I approached you first, each step heavier than the last. I want to run to you, or run away. Instead, I greeted you with a bow.

"What are you doing here?" you asked coldly.  
"I was on my way back and stopped by on the way." Actually, I planned to come here. I do come here, sometimes, but never before had we bumped into each other this way. I paused for a moment, gauging your reaction to find nothing. "Come, let's pray together Zero."

"Please leave," you said coldly. "You shouldn't be here. Leave."

* * *

"_Please leave."_

Please, don't leave. Don't leave. Please. Stay. Please.  
_"You shouldn't be here. Leave."_  
Don't go. Please, don't go. Don't abandon me here. I'm scared.  
I can't watch you leave, not again, not ever again.

Those days before you, before you came into this wretched life of mine, I can barely remember. I can't even remember how it was like to be human, how it was like to hunger and thirst like a human, to desire the things that humans desire, to love the things that humans love. Instead, I'm this monster, which craves and desires blood, which yearns for your blood. And your hands reached out to that monster, you tamed that monster in me. Suddenly, the beast that had been raging for so long, hurting so deeply for so long, slowly turned human again. You turned me back, you healed me. You're probably the beauty to my beast. I love you, that much, like that idiot I am.

"I'm sorry. I'll leave now," you answered. Involuntarily, my heart clenched, my breathing shortened. But I can't show it to you, I can't let you see how this man you created is now merely a shell, a façade of all the things that I had to be, an empty being.  
I walked past you, ignoring you, ignoring Aidou. I'll leave, before you do. I'll walk away first, before you do. Because I can't bear to watch you leave me, once again. I walked further and further away, each step harder than the last as my heart tries to claw its way out of my chest and run back to you. I wonder if you are looking back at me as I walk away. I really want to turn around to check, or maybe just to see the back of your head as you're walking away. But that will defeat the purpose, won't it.

Then, I heard you scream. I smelled your blood. I turned to you and ran, not sure if it was worry or your blood that pulled me to you. I caught you just before you hit the ground. I pulled you close to me, a natural instinct more than a need to protect. I saw the next blow coming, and moved on instinct to shield you. Has it become my instinct to fuck myself up over you?

I turned to that bastard Touma, who cackled gleefully. "What do you want?"  
He just eyed you, hungrily. "Pureblood."  
I pushed you behind me again. "Get lost, Pureblood."  
He lunged forward and I fired.  
Only to have those bullets go right through him as he disappeared into a swarm of bats. I was frozen, unable to do anything, unable to protect you. I couldn't see, could only feel the slicing of my skin and the tearing of my flesh. I could only hear the sound of bat wings and you bringing down her scythe through the swarm.  
"Ah ha, your weakness," Touma's voice rang eerily as the bats disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared. You dropped to your knees next to me and asked me, "Zero, are you alright?" I couldn't even manage a response before you collapsed on the ground.

* * *

I collapsed to the ground after that back-breaking blow, my head spinning. You caught me, pulling me close and holding me tight. You said nothing, but I knew everything. No, Zero. You can't do this anymore. I felt your body reverberate with the force of Touma's next attack that you were shielding me from.

"What do you want?" you spat menacingly.  
"Pureblood." Touma just answered simply.  
"Get lost, Pureblood." I heard you fire your gun, but didn't hear the bullet hit anything.  
That swarm of bats attacked us both, cutting deeply each time their wings got near us. You bore the brunt of the attack, your body covering mine the way I knew you would, the way I knew you shouldn't. I escaped your hold, pushed you behind me and took out my own weapon.  
This time, let me be the one to protect you Zero. Let me be the one to shield you from harm.

"Ah ha, your weakness." Weakness? Zero? No, that's where you're dead wrong, Touma. Zero has never been my weakness, he's my strength. Because of him, I now know that we have to contain the menace that Purebloods can become. Because of him, I became stronger. Because of him, I'm no longer going to be that puppet I used to be, that pretty little doll in that large doll house.

But Touma's too strong for me. I'm not strong enough to protect you Zero. Again, I'm letting the Purebloods hurt you. I can't protect you the way you've always protected me. I'm sorry, so sorry. I promised that I'll be the last person to hurt you, I'll be the last person to cause you pain. I'll protect you from the Purebloods who are out for your blood. I kept at it, I did my all, even if I fall, I won't let anyone hurt you further.

Touma disappeared in a cloud of smoke. But I knew he could come back any time. He wasn't injured, not enough. He had merely been testing the waters, testing the abilities of the second Kuran, the spare Kuran, the Kuran that was not good enough. I had to flee, I had to go back to my little cave. I knew all that, yet my priority was Zero. "Zero, are you alright?" I saw you push yourself off the ground. You're alright. Thank god you're alright, Zero.

But I'm not.

* * *

Each time you left for 'work', I would tell you to come back home safely. You'll just kiss me and leave. You usually come back home safely, slipping into bed with me. But more than once, you've returned in a different manner.

You would stumble into the flat, leaving a trail of blood. The monster in you would start to rear its ugly head and you would push me away as you start to gulp down the blood pills that made you sick. The pain intensifies as your body mends itself. It's on nights like these that your dreams are at its worst. Nights like these, your dreams are so vivid, your screams are so terrible, sometimes for hours on end. When it ends, when your eyes finally open; you'd look at me with the tears in your eyes that you couldn't cry out. "Hold me, Yuuki," you'd murmur, or sometimes, just my name.

I guess that's the meaning of being both the poison and the cure, for it is my fault you end up like this. It's me who tells Rido where you would be that day. It's me who informs the enemy of plans I overhear. It's me, Zero. It's my entire fault, Zero.

* * *

I opened my eyes, adjusting them to the darkness. I could see the outline of Zero's body in the darkness. Oh how many times I've dreamed this. I've dreamed of you each night, Zero. I've dreamed of you in front of me, looking at me so lovingly. But those dreams usually end in blood, your eyes the same as that when I left, the last time I saw your face. That look in your eyes I'll never forget, continuing to haunt me all this time. I remember those eyes that begged me to stay, begged me to deny the truth; those very same eyes I turned my back on. Instinctively, I reached out a hand. Hold me, Zero. Kiss me, Zero. I wanted to tell you. But how could I be so shameless as to want the things that could hurt you. Haven't I traumatized you enough?

"You're awake?" you moved nearer to me and switched on the lamp.  
The light illuminated your face. Your bloodshot eyes, the worry lines on your face. For the first time in a long time, my heart started to beat again. At the same time, this heart started to bleed again. Baby, why do you look so tired? How did you age so much in a year, Zero? I wanted to touch your face once again, touch you and take that weariness away. There's that sadness in your eyes that I had forgotten, the kind of sadness you couldn't hide from me, the kind of sadness that screams out to be saved. Can I save you, Zero? Would you let me? Your dark circles have gotten worse, your face so thin it made your angled jaw look paper sharp. I could see the outline of your bones so clearly, I wonder how long it took for you to start eating properly. I can't, till today, eat anything without thinking of the meals we had. Because of that, I don't eat; not more than what keeps me alive. Because without you, I felt like I shouldn't even be alive.

"How are you feeling? Are you alright?" you asked.  
I had forgotten this feeling, this feeling of being cared for, this feeling of being loved. I had forgotten the feeling I get when I hear your voice, this feeling that overwhelms me when I stare into your eyes. But I remember now. I look at you now and I remember it all, remember why I so selfishly stayed with you. It was for this feeling, this feeling that only you can give. Love.  
"Say something, Yuuki."  
I miss you. I'm sorry. I love you. Can I say those? What can I say that can make you feel better, Zero? My words are no longer words you believe, my words are no longer words that even I believe. These words have lied to you, giving you empty promises and poisoned your dreams. These words have painted illusions that are like an oasis in a desert for us both, illusions that disappear once we get too close. What have I done to you, Zero. What have I done to us?

You looked at me, not with those cold eyes. But with eyes reminisce of those eyes that used to look lovingly at me. Once more, your eyes were a whirlpool of emotions that I had to sieve through. I looked back at you. What do you see in my eyes, Zero? Do you see it all, like you always used to. Do you see how much I'm dying to hold you, how much I want you to stay. You held my gaze for a second longer before turning away. "You're fine. Stay the night, you can leave in the morning," you turned and started walking away.

"_Don't leave." _I wanted to scream at you. But how could I be so selfish, how could I keep you here even longer when I knew how much you were hurting already. It's my fault. This, all of this is my fault. Leave, Zero. Leave me, I deserve it. Leave me, you deserve better.

You paused in your tracks. "Tell me."  
What is it, Zero? What is it you want to know?  
I heard the hesitation in your voice, you were choosing your words carefully. Why? What image are you trying to project? Are you trying to protect the Hunter Association, the people you're in charge of? Are you trying to pry information out of me? Are you trying to protect your damaged heart?  
Or are you trying to get over it? Closure. Is that what you need, Zero? The last time we met, there was no time to talk it through, no time to hash things out. I had left you on the floor, covered in blood, barely breathing, your eyes barely open. That picture had been burned into my mind, it's all I see. When I close my eyes, I see that expression on your face. Dazed, confused. Hurt.

"I'll tell you everything." If that will help ease your pain, I'll tell you anything you need to hear.  
You turned your head to look at me. I know that expression on your face. Caution. Wariness. You don't trust me. I can understand why. I betrayed you, hurt you. The pain I've caused you must have been exhausting. You must be so tired, so weary. I saw you clench, your sign that you're scared. I know your tell-tale signs by now; you haven't changed at all.

But what can I say? Should I say that our memories were all lies? That they were all a fantasy, merely a story. Will that set all your slightest hopes to rest, send them crashing down in flames, send them to hell so that we can finally rest in peace? So that this poisonous relationship will finally end, this destructive relationship will die once and for all.  
Or should I say that I've loved you all along. That our love was real. That this love is still real. That this love, tainted and bloodied as it may be, is still the only love I've ever known and the only love I will ever know.

"Don't. I don't want to know."  
You closed your eyes tightly. It's your sign; that you give up. You'd rather continue hurting this way. You'd rather continue this way than to risk having your world crash down around you again. Maybe it's better this way. I don't know if the truth will save us all or consume us more. I'd rather continue this way, dying a little each day, screaming out in pain each night. I'd rather hurt this way than to risk hurting you further.

* * *

Tell me.

Before I could stop myself, those words escaped my lips. Tell me, did you ever love me, even if it was an hour out of the months we were together. Even if it was just a minute, did you ever feel your heart warm at the thought of me.  
Tell me, do you occasionally think of me? Even if it was an hour out of the year we've been apart. Even if it was just a minute, did you feel your heart long for me, your arms reach out for me, your hands craving to touch me?  
Tell me, did you miss me.  
Tell me, did you dream of me.  
Tell me, did you once think of me.

Zero, stop.  
What if the answer hurts you again? You have not even healed from the last crash. You have not even mended that shattered heart of yours. Your mind that had been blown apart had just barely been able to come to grips with what had happened. Can it take the truth, if the truth is going to hurt again?  
You'll never recover. This hurt that's so unbearable already, will kill you. This pain that's so torturous already, will consume you. You won't survive it. And you can't afford to die now. Not now when so many lives are counting on you. You can die later. There's time to die after winning the war.

That's what she was here for after all. She never loved you. Not even once. Never.  
She was here merely for the sake of her own kind, those wretched Purebloods. She was here for their benefit. Why should you die for Purebloods? They should die at your hands. Each and every one of them.  
She's lucky that she's not dead here and now.

"Don't. I don't want to know."

I rushed out, slamming the door.  
I was starting to choke as the pain crept into my system as I knew it would. This slow, burning pain that engulfed me in its cloak of darkness. I retreated to my room, just next to the room you were in. By the time I closed my door, I was shivering so badly I couldn't stand. What did I want? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had wanted you to reach out to me. I had wanted you to touch me, just slightly. I had wanted you to hold me, stop me from leaving. I had wanted you to hold on to me. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I had wanted you to love me. It didn't have to be as much as I love you. Even if you had just loved me a just little bit, that would do. Am I crazy? I think I've gone mad. I think I should call Kaito, tell him to chain me up in the dungeon again or put me in a hole somewhere.

Stop this, Zero. You don't have time for self-pity. Nobody wants to hear your sob story. Nobody wants to know how you feel. In this war, you're merely collateral damage. Just because you're broken doesn't mean you're off the hook. Just because you're damaged doesn't mean you're not a soldier. Because in this war, you're not just the infantry, you're the general. There are people relying on you. They are people who are depended on by others, who are needed by others. They are parents, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters and lovers.  
You are merely one single unattached individual. You're the one they're relying on. There's no time for you to sit and lament about the girl who betrayed you.

I picked myself off the floor and went to report to Chairman.  
"We should use her. Use her as bait."  
Chairman eyed me warily. I know what he's thinking. It's a cold move, even for me.  
"No. We need her."  
"Why?"  
"Because, her brother just murdered the whole vampire council. We need her as a rallying point."

What? This is news to me.  
"When was this?"  
"Today, 2 hours ago."  
"Why wasn't I informed?"  
"You were out."  
I was pissed. I was hurting over Yuuki. I was grieving over my parents' death anniversary. And I have not been sleeping properly for over a year.

"I'm supposed to be the one they report to," I hissed. That was the arrangement. I'm the general, the warrior they send out to the battlefield. I'm the one who receives those damn reports, come hell or high water.  
Chairman looked at me pensively, exactly the way I hated. Besides Yuuki, he was the only other person who could look through the bullshit. These two people cause an unnecessary amount of disturbance in my life.  
"When was the last time you slept?"  
"Yesterday."  
"Proper sleep."  
Hmm, I don't know. Maybe about a year ago?  
"Tell Yuuki."  
"You tell her yourself." I can't risk going back into that room again. I might not survive a second panic attack in one night.  
"She needs to hear it from a friend."  
Friend? In which universe am I her friend?  
"Tell Aidou to do it."  
"He's injured in Touma's attack earlier."  
Right, I forgot about that.  
"I don't want to talk to her."

Chairman looked at me. I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking of those hellish months where I had been so self-destructive bordering on suicidal. I had turned myself into a monster, turned myself into a savage out for blood. And that's what I'm verging on doing right now. If that's what it takes for me to get out of this place right now, I'll go on a hunting spree. Let me at them, those damn Purebloods who don't know how to stay put. I was starting to sound like some wild animal.

"Yuuki stays. That's final. This is the safest place for her. They'll be out for her blood. We have to protect her."  
"That 'we' does not include me."  
I'm done protecting her. I tried to protect her from myself the last time, look how that backfired spectacularly.  
That was the end of the conversation, with both of us just sipping the whiskey that Chairman loves collecting. I lit a cigarette, much to his chagrin.

"You'll kill yourself with those."  
"No faster than the rate I'm already dying." Which is quite true. The level E in me will overwhelm me sooner, faster and uglier than lung cancer.  
Kaito sauntered in. "Shit just got real," he remarked, stealing my glass and gesturing for me to go pour myself another.  
"How's it out there?"  
"We're trying to keep it quiet, but it won't take long for news to spread." He gestured for my lighter which I threw at him.  
"We'll need to double up on patrols. Get the intelligence unit on surveillance of Purebloods. Get that other unit to coordinate with the human councils. They'll need to be warned."  
I looked to Chairman, to confirm if my orders were appropriate. Yes, I was the general. But Chairman is still very much the backbone of the association.

Chairman nodded in assent, but obviously he was more concerned about other things, "I always wanted to ask. Was it you who taught Zero to smoke?" It was a question directed at Kaito.  
We both shifted around guiltily. Like children getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Trust Kaito to deftly manoeuvre. "Well, funny story about that. It's actually Yagari." And we both quite almost ran out the room. It wasn't actually Yagari sensei; he had been more of an unwitting supplier rather than the teacher.

"Drink?" "Sure."  
We both went to Kaito's room. This is where the good stuff is. Among his treasure trove of porn and collectible cards, he has the most impressive collection of alcohol. "How's life, lil bro." Kaito ruffled my hair. It's times like these when I realise I'm not as alone as I think. We used to sneak cigarettes when Yagari wasn't looking, quietly smoking behind the buildings, choking on the first few puffs. I can't even remember why we started, perhaps because we were both so broken so young, that we thought we had to grow up quicker, get to know the big bad a little faster.  
We visit graves together, the graves of the family we lost. On days when we're reminded how alone we are, we were there for each other; through the mother's day, father's day and every other day.  
The day I lost my family, I gained another. This is my family, where Kaito's my brother, Chairman's the dad/mum (it's hard to tell sometimes).  
It's not so bad. I'm not so alone after all.

"How is it that you can hurt like this?" Bloody bastard and his insensitive questions.  
"Shut up and drink." But his tone wasn't condescending, wasn't sneering or making fun of me. He was genuinely curious. But he didn't push it and we continued drinking in silence.  
"Was it worth it?" he asked again. I looked at him. We both knew each other's' stories. He saw the wreck I was when Yuuki left. He pulled me back from those times when I almost went over the edge. He's my brother who took care of me through the storm and hauled me through the worst.  
"Do you think it was worth it?" I asked him back. He saw both the best and the worst. He saw me happy, for the first time since we knew each other. He saw me in love, for the first time. He saw me genuinely alive.  
"You were so happy," it wasn't a question, more like a musing. I was, wasn't I? I was so happy, so very happy. She gave me that happiness, that joy. But she also gave me this pain, this horrible gnawing pain.  
"But now I'm not."  
"If you had the chance, would you have done it again?"  
"Yes." I would, a million times over. I would love her again, a million times over.  
"Even if you would hurt?" It's ridiculous isn't it, why I would be willing to hurt so much for something so temporary. It's simple. The same memories that kill me slowly are the ones keeping me alive. That same love that torments me at night is the same love that keeps me sane through it all.  
"Yes."

Kaito thumped me on the back. "I used to be that way. Then shit happened."  
"Well, shit's already happened."  
"That's true."  
And we continued drinking.


	28. Chapter 28 Happy

We drank, far too much, far too quickly. By the time I decided that I had to sleep, I was already too far gone. My head was spinning and my heart was hurting; the worst possible combination. They say you're brave and honest when you're drunk. Really? Why do I feel like such a fucking loser then. If I'm supposed to be that brave and that honest, then I should be able to do whatever the hell I want right. If so, why on earth am I being such a coward. So all those people that say things like that, they should just all fuck off.

I stumbled back to my room along what seemed like an endless hallway. And the nearer I drew to my room, the more difficult I found it to breathe. I gasped for air, pain pulsing through my body with each heartbeat. Black spots appeared in my vision as my body started to tremble and convulse. I collapsed on the floor, dragging myself along the walls till I reached your door.  
I was so hungry. But most of all, I was so angry.

I remember, being left alone to die in the cold. I remember everything.  
You cruel bitch. Selfish, heartless bitch.  
How could you do this to me? How could you smile at me, kiss and fuck me; as if you loved me? As if you truly loved me?

_She's a bitch. Go teach her a lesson. _  
Yeah, maybe I should. Maybe I should just barge in right now and do all the things that I could have done had I not been so damn injured and immobile when she left.  
_She's evil. She never loved you. She didn't deserve all that love you gave her.  
_That's right. That's true. She probably had a good laugh with all her Pureblood minions discussing how pathetic I was.  
_Their kind turned you into a monster. Go show them how scary monsters can be.  
_This monster couldn't even walk, couldn't even speak. All he did was stand outside your door.

I started to breathe. It's been so long. It's time to let go, to move on. Why can't you do it, Zero? What's holding you back? You should never let one person define your life, should never let someone be the reason for existence, or be the reason for not existing. She was one mistake, a learning experience. You fell down. Get up, dust yourself off, and start walking away. How long more do you want to stay on the ground? Why should you let life pass you by as you're down and out?

These thoughts all ran through my mind, but I stood there anyway, not moving. Had I been human, would I have been so hung up, so traumatized to the point I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of her. If I were human, would I have loved her to the point of insanity, to the point of no return and no redemption? No, I probably wouldn't have.

Because humans can live longer, have more chances at love, more people to love. Had I been human, I would have gotten over her quicker. I would have taken it as just another break up, just another girl, the first out of many to come. Had I been human, I would have taken it as just heartbreak, the heart will heal, the heart will move on. If I were human, I probably wouldn't have met her, so that solves the problem right away anyway. But I'm not human, so she's my first and probably my last. She'll always be my only one.

So pathetic, Zero. You're so pathetic.

* * *

I heard you outside my door, listening as you dragged yourself along the floor.

I could smell the alcohol. It's alarming how often this is happening.  
I heard as you stopped right outside my door.

In my head, I could see you already.  
I could see your hands clawing your neck. I could see the pain in your eyes. I could see your hands trembling, your shoulders shivering. I slumped to the floor. I wanted to cry, but I knew I had no right to tears, nor could I risk you hearing my tears. I wanted so much to hold you, but I knew I had no right to even touch you. But I've always given in, haven't I.

Each night, before approaching you, before unlocking your door, I tried to stop myself.  
No, Yuki. This isn't right, Yuki. You shouldn't do this to him. You shouldn't be entering his life, shouldn't even try. He's lived well on his own all this while, he doesn't need you. Rido is just using you, don't continue being his pawn. It's time to go back to Kaname, time to stop messing with Zero.  
But each night, I continued to hold you anyway. Because ever since the first time I saw you, I couldn't help but take care of you. Ever since I knew of your pain, I couldn't help but want to take your pain away.

It's the same tonight. I opened the door, just slightly to peek out at you. You were sitting on the floor, covering your face with your hands, still and unmoving.

"Are you okay, Zero?"  
You looked up and smirked, as if I had just asked the stupidest question. Perhaps I had.  
We looked at each other for a moment, both deciding the next words to say. It's funny that words used to flow so easily between us, that there was once upon a time when silences were comfortable. This silence now is deafening, holding a million questions with hurtful answers.  
"Are you happy, Yuki?"  
It wasn't a sincere question, it was mocking.  
"You must be happy, in that little palace of yours fucking your Prince Charming," you continued. There was no mistaking the spite in your voice, the malice and anger. I should close the door now, shouldn't I? But I couldn't, I had to hear it all, I had to listen to Zero's voice to make up for all this time pining for it. Even if that voice speaks words that cut deeply, it's still the same voice I fell for.

"Was it worth it, Yuki?" It wasn't a sincere question, it was accusing.  
"Was it worth it to leave your pretty little dresses and fancy balls to slum it out with me?" you continued, as you pulled yourself off the floor. Yes, it was worth it. It was worth it waking up next to you, worth it to kiss you, worth it to hold you. It was all worth it, to have a love like ours no matter how fleeting.  
You walked towards me, your expression cold and lifeless. "Did you have your bit of fun fucking around with me?" you spat viciously. "Did you enjoy it, each time I came home all fucked up from you vampires?" You paused for a while before continuing, "No… you wouldn't have. You'd have wished that I hadn't made it home instead. You'd prefer that wouldn't you?"

You were near enough to touch. I wanted to tell you no. No, Zero, you're wrong.  
Each time you left my sight, a piece of me died a little. With each passing day, Rido's plan progressed a little further, the weapons on the street would increase and your chances of survival decreases. Didn't you realize, how much I begged for you to stop, to just stay in the association, to just stay behind a desk strategizing instead of being at the front line. But each time I complained, you'll just smile at me, kiss my forehead, and leave anyway. Duty was your priority and, in spite of myself, that over-responsible nature of yours made me love you even more.  
Each time you came home safe, I thanked whatever God out there that had protected you that day and prayed that they would continue protecting you. I'm sorry, I was too weak to protect you.  
Each time you came home injured, I knew it was my fault. I think of leaving, that's the best way to protect you. But by then, I was in too deep. Leaving you would hurt your heart, the heart that had just been salvaged, that had just started to thaw and to warm. But staying would put you in danger.

I tried, Zero. I tried so hard to make the right choice. But none of it was right and I put it off. I delayed. I evaded. And because of that, you hurt even more. Whatever I did, it would have hurt us all. What was I to do, Zero? What could I have done at that time? I know now, that I should have left when I had the chance. I didn't know that the truth being forced out so brutally would have hurt this badly. I'm sorry, Zero; I didn't know how terrible this turn of events would be.

You pushed me against the wall, pinning my arms to my sides.  
"You little bitch, fucking Pureblood. You took everything away. That's what your kind do. Take things, take everything." You shouted as you punched the walls.  
I'm sorry. Punish me, Zero. I was wrong. If it makes you feel better, hurt me instead. Take it out on me, Zero. I deserve it. I won't fight back. Do it, do whatever you want.  
Your eyes flashed red and your breathing quickened.

"Take from me, Zero."  
You must have been starving. I've always wondered who you would take from when I was gone. But deep down I always knew you would never take from anyone else. You were a stickler like that. You probably wouldn't have been sated even if you drank. Vampires are only sated by their lovers. I should know; I've been thirsty ever since I've left. There wasn't anyone who could satisfy me. So take from me, Zero.

* * *

"Are you okay, Zero?"

What a stupid question. Which part of me looks okay to you? I'm drunk. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. All thanks to you. I looked up to see you standing before me.

Are you happy seeing this, Yuki? You succeeded in your mission, whatever your mission was. Was it to break the great Hunter Kiryuu Zero, to tear him to pieces, to destroy him to the core. You succeeded, hurray for you. "Are you happy, Yuki?" I asked.

You must be happy. You could let go of the parasitic Kiryuu Zero and go back to your fancy life of riches. You could go back to Kuran Kaname, your fucking brother/husband. How the hell does that even work. Tell me, does he satisfy your body the way I do, does he surpass me even in that? "You must be happy, in that little palace of yours fucking your Prince Charming," I spat viciously.

I pulled myself off the floor. It must have been difficult for the great Pureblood Kuran Yuuki to have had to leave it all behind to come stay in a tiny apartment just to get with me. Imagine a pureblood working and paying bills, doing groceries and laundry. I wanted to laugh, just thinking about it. It explains how helpless you seemed. But you got what you wanted, right. You managed to achieve what you set out to do, to fuck with the Hunter. "Was it worth it, Yuki? Was it worth it to leave your pretty little dresses and fancy balls to slum it out with me?"

You must have enjoyed it. "Did you have your bit of fun fucking around with me? Did you enjoy it, each time I came home all fucked up from you vampires?" You acted so well, it fooled me completely. Each time I left, you'd kick up such a fuss one would think that I was stepping into a toxic vat. Each time I came home safe, you'd act so relieved, showering me with kisses. Each time I came home all bloodied, you'd put on this big show of bandages and antiseptic one would think you were a part time nurse. I suppose those times were difficult for you too. You would have preferred it if they killed me off. That must have been a failed mission. "No… you wouldn't have. You'd have wished that I hadn't made it home instead. You'd prefer that wouldn't you?"

I pushed myself off the floor and walked towards you.  
It was all just a game to you, wasn't it. I was an easy target.  
Orphan, check. The loneliness made me easy prey, I would have fallen for anything.  
Tragic past, check. That was your way in, that act of being the one to heal me from my nightmares.  
It was simple math. I should have seen it. I should have noticed. Falling for you could have been due to your Pureblood charm instead of my own heart. That's what Purebloods do, they take away your right to choose. You didn't choose to live or die, the Purebloods decide whether to kill you or not. You didn't choose to love or not, the Purebloods decide that too. So you took it all, Yuki. "You little bitch, fucking Pureblood. You took everything away. That's what your kind do. Take things, take everything."

I was so angry and so drunk, the worst possible combination. I was shouting and punching walls, causing a commotion. I had you pinned against the wall, I wanted answers. Tell me, Yuki. Tell me that I'm wrong. I want to be wrong. Tell me that there had been a single element of truth contained in your words. The pain is kicking in, I'll lose myself anytime soon. But there are still so many things I want to ask.  
Are you happy, Yuki? Are you genuinely happy now? Are you happy with Kuran Kaname, does he treat you right? Are you happy with your life being a princess, or are you bored? Are you happy being without me? If you say yes, maybe I could let go.  
I am still that same foolish Zero, the Zero just wants you to be happy.

My throat started to burn and the monster starts to awaken. I felt myself slipping away and started to back away. Go, Yuki. Get away from this monster. You have no obligation to satisfy it anymore. It's never been your duty to take care of me and this monster in me. So leave, leave and be happy without me. I would never have been able to give you the happiness you deserve, so maybe things turned out for the better. I got a taste of this 'love' people praise so greatly, while you succeeded in your mission. I would have died and left anyway, regardless of who entered my life, whether human or vampire. So maybe it was good that you were a vampire who didn't need me. A win-win situation, isn't it?

"Take from me, Zero."  
Don't be stupid. Are you pulling this 'I volunteer as tribute' bullshit with me again? Please, don't.  
But then again, I'm not calling the shots anymore. This monster inside is rearing its ugly head already. It's hungry, it's thirsty. And your blood is sweet, or at least it used to be sweet. Will it still taste the same even though you've turned back to being a Pureblood? Will it contain your memories, your feelings, the truth? Drinking from you never enlightened me of your hidden motives, they just painted pretty pictures of love and all that. Maybe now in your true form, drinking from you would be more… informative?  
There's only one way to find out.


End file.
